Dermot
Your post has made me feel so sad. You are only 20 and you have COMPLETED YOUR 1ST YEAR AT UNI! You really do have a whole lifetime of experiences, growth, change and happiness ahead of you
I know it doesn’t feel like that now. You are in a very deep dark hole which just seems impossible to climb out of. But please recognise your achievements. You are succeeding in college this gives you purpose & opportunity. Well done! I don’t want to dismiss your self diagnosis of a personality disorder but it doesn’t add up that you have functioned successfully through school and now college. Why couldn’t you do the same in the workplace? I don’t know how you have diagnosed yourself but you know what they say about Dr Internet… The most minor ailments can look like terminal illness. Please consider talking to someone about this who can offer sustained support. Your parents? I know if you were my son I would hate to think of you feeling so alone in your room. Or is there a cos ell or at college? Reaching out for help is the hardest thing but you have done it here. It is so brave to reach out with such honesty. I know how hard it is to seek help having suffered depression myself and wanting to “flick the switch” just like you. I did get therapeutic help and 20 odd years later I think often how close I came to not seeing those years and the rest that are ahead of me. I breathe a sigh of relief most days that I am still here and the world seems like such a different place than it did then. What I’m trying to say is as much as you can’t see it now there is HOPE for a good future.
It’s not a disaster to have a “not done” list at 20 you have plenty of time to fulfil lists. Just make your to do list one that is personal to you and not one “society” tells you you should have ticked off by such a such age. Make a have done list instead.. I’m sure it’ll have more on it than you think… And so what if you don’t kiss a girl till you’re 30 say? How sweet will that kiss be… If you give up now your Haven’t done list will stay just that. Congratulate yourself on what you have done. There is a solution for you out there… you just might need a little help finding it.
With warmth love and optimism
Sue