Hi Dermot,
I want to acknowledge all that you have said. What’s wrong with having a disorder? Who made up the rule that once you leave your door you HAVE to socialize? You don’t. If you have trouble connecting to people, then don’t, at least for now, forget it. Connect with nature; connect with trees, flowers, connect with the sun and feel the warmth of mother nature. You have four months? Learn how to meditate and connect with your breath. What is wrong with being yourself? I am telling you, nothing!

Exercise really helps with fighting depression, and is something you can do in your own comfortable space. There are lots of fitness videos online, just pick one and follow it. You will be surprised what changes it can bring, but not in a day or two, give it 2 weeks. I had depression and I know sometimes it can be tough just to get up from a chair. If that’s the case you can start with 10 push-ups on every hour mark, or 5 even. Just get your hands to push 5 times per hour! The key is persistence.

My first kiss came long after 20. Guess what? My “not done” list just kept growing anyways. You have to realize on the other side of “not done” list there is a “done” list, and you just added one to it -> “write my story online”. Take out a pen and paper, list out what else you have done already, you may be surprised.

Cheers,
TT

Hi Dermot, I just came across your thread out of chance (i didn’t even know tiny buddha had forums until a minute ago) and I felt compelled to create an account to offer my two cents.

I know people always say things like “I’ve been through it” or “I know how you feel” and it feels like it’s not true or that they think they understand. I don’t know you or the full spectrum of your struggle, but what you said really spoke to me because I’ve dealt with similar issues and I was at a really low and dark place for many, many years. After 7th grade I started a new school and this is where the worst of it began. I was in a foreign country, I felt completely isolated, I missed being surrounded by my language and at school I was heavily bullied and tormented by all the men in my class every single day. It was really unsafe where I was living so I was never allowed to go outside or hang out with everyone. I would literally be driven to school and then back to the house when it was over. I was terrified of how dangerous it was and I could not even go out for a walk around the block. I was completely focused on my studies as it was the only thing that I had at that time. I felt so helpless, low and useless. I would spend all morning and afternoon at school being told I was worthless, that no one cared about me, etc they would also get somewhat physical at times and throw things at me so I was also constantly scared for my safety inside of school as well. I wasn’t going to parties or doing all of the stereotypical things we all assume teens are/should be doing. I would cry myself to sleep more times than I care to remember and there were periods of months at a time when I would go completely numb and just sit in class or at home completely out of it desperately hoping for the feeling to end.

I can honestly say that I used to believe in my heart it would never end and I’d be isolated, misunderstood and alone forever. That i’d be stuck in the same headspace and desperate feeling forever. Let’s not even talk about self love because there was 0 confidence after 6 years of constant, daily verbal abuse. This all drew me to isolate myself even more. I was always quiet around strangers and I would avoid eye contact with everyone. I would rush in and out of places so I could get back to what felt like a safer place. I was so deep in my comfort zone that it’s boundaries were a small dot in the distance. It also cause my problems with overthinking to reach new heights.

It makes me so sad to read what you are going through because I’ve felt those things too. I wish I had the solution that would fix it all instantly. I also wish I could put into words my journey and transition from that horrible place to the completely different person I am today. I don’t recognize myself at all, and that is a great thing! What i want you to take away from this is that I want you to know and to truly believe that there is hope and that you can get through this. I am almost 22 and I haven’t done any of the things you have listed but those experiences are not a measure of our worth and they don’t determine how happy we would be had we already done them. There isn’t just one thing to be done that can get us through these struggles, it’s a constant journey of daily ups and downs and focusing our energy on things we enjoy and fulfill us. I have discovered some activities I love and make me feel like myself like exercising, meditation, drawing and reading. Try to enrich yourself from within. And whatever you do, please don’t be hard on yourself for not being who you think you should be or pressure yourself for not making progress “fast enough”. You are doing the best you can, so be kind to yourself. I know it may sound silly but it’s the most important thing we can do four ourselves. Find kindness and compassion towards yourself. You are in this painful and difficult journey, yet you are carrying the heaviest of loads daily. It’s courageous to get up every day when we know the exact pain and struggle we have ahead of us. Even if you don’t see it now, i am proud of you for it and you should be too.

I know this reply probably isn’t what you were looking for, so I’m sorry if you don’t find it useful – I just hope it can help you in some way. Know that you are not alone with this pain.
Sending you lots of warmth.

Dear Dermot,
I think you’ve spelled out part of the key already, routine.
You feel comfortable in your existing routine, but routine is not fixed.
Start changing your routine bit by bit, by following some useful advises by others above, such as taking a minute walk around your own house. Start with 3 minutes, slip this into your routine maybe after dinner or something. Turn it into a habit and let your physical body do the work.
Hope this helps!

Cheering you!
TT

Hi Dermot,

I’m a twenty year old university student just like you (In September I’ll be on my third year, last summer on the huge break that I can truly empathize with,
I wasn’t feeling all that optimistic about my studies either).

I too, felt (and it still creeps back) huge loneliness. I was begging to find new people to bond with to fill the big void in my chest, but after taking time to open my e-mail each day and read an inspiring article from TinyBuddha, and learning to change my toxic thought processes, I am beginning to heal.

I found I wasn’t looking for love and support in the right places, not seeing that just the strong, silent presence of my mother, farther and sister was there way of
showing love. They weren’t the knight in shining Armour I’d dreamed would whisk me away and show me the perfect vision of love, but when I began to open my heart and finally see, the quick smile from my sister first thing on
a morning became to mean so much more to me, realizing this made me smile more often… and I let my heart open more and more, let myself feel all the love and pain that came with it.

I began to practice love and compassion to people around me, small steps like offering a quick smile to a passing stranger , and friends I had (but often complained were not good enough, i felt didn’t truly love me) showed me love in so many ways when I began to open up… I even inspired some of them to open up,
and I found problems inside them that I wouldn’t have ever believed to be true, and now I have beautiful, honest relationships with my friends, where we help each other.

Please, never give up, nothing will happen overnight but try at least opening your heart to your family… When I told my mother how I felt she cried for almost an hour,
horrified I didn’t feel I could tell her before, and she told me she felt similarly at our age, she had no friends and felt too intimidated by her family to open up to them
. She told me how she pushed herself out of the house, even if they did just end up on walks alone… became more open to the people around her and eventually, found
some friends that she still speaks to today.

Don’t compare yourself to others either; There were points Id look at pictures of groups of friends on nights out, and felt overwhelming jealousy… but then I realized that might be fun to them, but that is far from the perfect picture of life (In the past I was part of groups of people who continuously searched for thrills in clubs,
and I didn’t find it fun anymore…. In fact, it led me down a very dark path of reliance on alcohol that also, took slow recovery). I heard a very nice phrase recently, that
you’re missing things that could be happening outside if you weren’t sat inside… just by going on a nice walk, sitting on a park bench alone for a few minutes, anything could
happen… even if it doesn’t, your out, moving, and living…. try appreciating the small things like the air you breathe before you push towards finding the bigger things.
Trying to change my thoughts not only helped me find support in what felt like unlikely places, it gradually helped me become more motivated in my studies, which I know
would say I enjoy.

I hope what I’ve said makes some sense, don’t give up!

Hi,
I dealt with my depression by joining a buddhist organization. I was always then surrounded by amazing non judgemental people who helped me to overcome my depression and problems. Am part of SGI community. Its a beautiful organization.

Hi Dermot
I understand what you are saying about avoiding people and I think that by reaching out to talk to others on here you have made a huge step. Even though it is hard for you to have face to face interactions with other people maybe you can try forming some friendships by talking to others on here. I imagine even this can be difficult for you as well but I’m sure there are many people who will listen and offer advice or even just have somebody to vent your feelings to. If you ever need someone to listen or even just to let off steam I would lend an ear. I may not be as young as you are anymore but I have kids your age and many of their friends call and message me for a neutral party to vent to. I hope that you can find comfort in knowing there are many of us here willing to help. Hang in there.