Forum Replies Created
July 5, 2014 at 3:08 am #60235
Here’s a hug for you ( ) 🙂
Sue xJuly 5, 2014 at 2:23 am #60233
I agree with all of the above advice.
I have just left a very similar relationship. We were together for 3 years before he moved in to mine. In the year we lived together, he became more dominant, more controlling. His needs became all important, my needs & feelings were suppressed as it sounds yours are being. I kept working on it, listing all his good points. But the fact was that spiritually & emotionally we were on different planets (as it sounds like you are)
He said so many of the things that your boyfriend has said to you. It is a method of control. He is saying you are not as important as he and therefore he does not have to treat you as an equal.
You should be cherished & nurtured in a loving relationship. I realised I was not and it was diminishing me inside. So I left. You need to ask yourself the same question.
I wrote about the end of my relationship in the Share your truth forum, which you can read. Maybe some of it will resonate with you. If it does it may help you in your decision.
Your values about love and happiness are spot on.
I agree, you deserve better!
You deserve to be appreciated for working hard inside & outside the home; you deserve to be complimented on your beauty and your size 8 body; you deserve to be cherished!
SueJuly 5, 2014 at 1:45 am #60232
I’m not going to rant about how I feel about DUI in order to add to your shame. You’ve been punished and you’ve had 2 years to reflect on your wrong doing.
Suffice to say that a close friend has been affected by the actions of a drunk driver and she has lost so much more than the things you list.
Maybe I am not the most sympathetic person to respond to you but you are here for advice not sympathy right?
Firstly you have listed things you have lost. Well the only one of those that you can’t get back is your licence (not for 8 years at least) So the decision you need to make is does the success of the next 8 years of your life depend on having a license? Are you going to put your life on hold until then?
If the answer is No then you have to start planning on getting your life back on track.
Freedom – I don’t know where you live but if there’s a public transport system use it, get yourself a bike, be creative advertise for car share buddies (except you won’t be driving)
Job & Financial stability – You’ll need to look outside the box, find employment that doesn’t require a license. You might need to re-train or start a home business there are possibilities. After all if you remain unemployed for the next 8 years you’like struggle to find employment when you do get your license back. Besides a license can’t be all you have to offer an employer. What are your other skills & qualities? Write them down. Ask others to continue. This will also help your self esteem.
As for the shame you feel, why not put that to good use? You have clearly demonstrated here that your license is not the only thing you lose if you DUI. The consequences of that moment of madness are severe. You could use your experience to volunteer to talk to groups who may be at risk of DUI, college students or something. Find a local organisation who might be able to facilitate you doing that. If not that then any voluntary work whilst you don’t have a job. You will be putting something back into your community and making some amends for your offence.
The only way to regain your self respect is to start doing things that deserve your respect.
If you start tackling some of the above your life will begin to piece back together and your self esteem will grow.
With best wishes
SueJuly 5, 2014 at 12:49 am #60230
Dear xxx & inthebliss
Thank you for your responses.
I am sorry to hear that you have both been through a similar painful experience. I sympathise and if you managed to find any solace and comfort in my words I am glad.
Broken hearts do mend. Given time they will heal on their own but given intensive care by us they will heal much faster and be healthier & stronger than before.
So my only advice to you is to direct any energy, thought or care that you are putting into trying to change what is past; work out “what you did wrong/could of done differently”; analysing the relationship & behavior of your ex or beating yourself up – direct that energy into the present, into you.
You are here now, this is how it is
Do things for you. All of those good things that got thrown back at you? All that love that you gave and was not received in the way it should have been? You have all that love and goodness to give. So give it to someone who needs it, deserves it and will appreciate it… YOU!
Whilst in the midst of this horrible time my friend threw down a challenge for me to find 3 daily positives for 7 days and declare them. It was just one of those social media games, and my first thought was “oh no this is not a good time”. But I did it anyway. It meant I was making a conscious decision to look for positives during a really tough time. I found myself making positives happen, simple things like a picnic in the park, contacting old friends or simply giving myself a pamper night.
Doing these things made me feel good, declaring them resulted in receiving lots of positive feedback and having some cheerful conversations.
Most importantly all the positivity and good stuff that I put out there was received with grace and reciprocated. I have realised that I have lots of loving relationships in which I am appreciated. I had just focused most of my energy towards the one where I wasn’t.
A couple of people at my workplace (who didn’t know anything about my personal life) commented that I was looking really well. One asked if I had been on holiday because I was glowing. Another said it must be love (how ironic!) But she is right in a way…. I tried for so long to make my relationship work I focused everything on it and neglected me… Now I was nurturing & loving myself and it showed from the inside out.
I’m not trying to make it sound easy or trivialise the pain I know you are feeling. My heart still aches and there are still quiet times of tears but this is recovery… it’s never a straight road. I just want to share my experience of what is helping me to heal with you.
You both seem like good giving people. If you had a friend in need I’m sure you would love & care for them… well you are that friend.
The time for analysing a broken relationship is when you are better. Then look back on it with fresh eyes, a rational head and strong heart. Only then can you learn the lessons it was meant to teach you and apply that learning to make future relationships better.
I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and share your feelings. Thank you.
I know that you will both heal and I am optimistic for your futures. I hope that today and every day after brings you comfort and happiness.
With warmest wishes
Sue xJune 30, 2014 at 1:47 pm #59978
I read your response after posting above. Thank you also for taking the time and for your thoughtful advice.
I did consider leaving a letter in his belongings but for a long time previous to our split I had tried to express some of those feelings only for them to be abruptly dismissed & cut short. On the day of our split after another emotionally controlling “argument” (I never knew how to label them as I always thought arguments involved 2 people talking) I decided to communicate some of the feelings above in a text. He responded in such a way with name calling and nasty accusaton, that it sounded like he had read something entirely different.
That is why I decided against the note. I was too afraid of being hurt I did not feel strong enough to risk a negative reaction.
I took the safer risk of putting it out in the ether and it has transpired as a good decision.
Thank you for your compassion, but I don’t think you need to be sad for that missed opportunity. As you can see I have been blessed with kindness and yes I feel some peace in my heart and am breathing easier.
Thank you for your affirmation. At the moment it does feel like I have done the right thing.
With best wishes
SueJune 30, 2014 at 1:17 pm #59976
Dear Chris & Matt
I am a bit overwhelmed and truly touched by the warmth of your responses. Thank you so much for taking the time.
This conversation just proves to me that you can find beauty in the ugliest of situations if you look for it. I’m glad I reached out, it has helped me tremendously.
Chris, I am so glad that my experience resonated with you and hopefully helped in sharing the burden of unexpressed emotion. I hope you feel a little lighter.
This has taught me a valuable lesson – In those dark times when you question everything about yourself, when you are eaten up inside with hurt, self doubt or bitterness stop looking inside for the answers, tearing yourself apart with negative emotion. Look up, reach out and invite care hope humanity and warmth into your life. If you are open to it it will come to you and will begin to replace all those negative toxic emotions with positive healing ones.
I have lost a Love but I do not feel bereft of love.
Matt I feel positively lit up … by the kindness of strangers 🙂
SueJune 29, 2014 at 4:16 pm #59873
Thank you very much Matt.
I am looking forward to those adventures.
My inner smile is a little brighter today and maybe my experience can help somebody else now that it’s out there.
SueJune 29, 2014 at 12:42 pm #59856
Thank you for listening and thank you for your kind soothing words. I felt a bit self indulgent posting and am happy to receive your lovely response.
The stuff exchange wasn’t at all pleasant and i did not get to communicate my feelings to my ex.. but nonetheless I feel a sense of relief and not overburdened with unexpressed feelings.
Thanks again for taking the time and helping me through a tough day.
Warmest best wishes
Sue.June 10, 2014 at 3:01 pm #58536
Your post has made me feel so sad. You are only 20 and you have COMPLETED YOUR 1ST YEAR AT UNI! You really do have a whole lifetime of experiences, growth, change and happiness ahead of you
I know it doesn’t feel like that now. You are in a very deep dark hole which just seems impossible to climb out of. But please recognise your achievements. You are succeeding in college this gives you purpose & opportunity. Well done! I don’t want to dismiss your self diagnosis of a personality disorder but it doesn’t add up that you have functioned successfully through school and now college. Why couldn’t you do the same in the workplace? I don’t know how you have diagnosed yourself but you know what they say about Dr Internet… The most minor ailments can look like terminal illness. Please consider talking to someone about this who can offer sustained support. Your parents? I know if you were my son I would hate to think of you feeling so alone in your room. Or is there a cos ell or at college? Reaching out for help is the hardest thing but you have done it here. It is so brave to reach out with such honesty. I know how hard it is to seek help having suffered depression myself and wanting to “flick the switch” just like you. I did get therapeutic help and 20 odd years later I think often how close I came to not seeing those years and the rest that are ahead of me. I breathe a sigh of relief most days that I am still here and the world seems like such a different place than it did then. What I’m trying to say is as much as you can’t see it now there is HOPE for a good future.
It’s not a disaster to have a “not done” list at 20 you have plenty of time to fulfil lists. Just make your to do list one that is personal to you and not one “society” tells you you should have ticked off by such a such age. Make a have done list instead.. I’m sure it’ll have more on it than you think… And so what if you don’t kiss a girl till you’re 30 say? How sweet will that kiss be… If you give up now your Haven’t done list will stay just that. Congratulate yourself on what you have done. There is a solution for you out there… you just might need a little help finding it.
With warmth love and optimism
SueJune 10, 2014 at 2:27 pm #58530
Sorry Corrine. I have just realised you said in your post that you have never acted this way before making some of my advice very unhelpful. On a positive note as it was a one off you have every hope of resolving it. We have all made mistakes and done things we regret (especially under the influence of alcohol) It’s how we put them right that is most important.
Again wishing you the best.
SueJune 10, 2014 at 1:10 pm #58516
Having been in your partners shoes, on the receiving end of spiteful things said by my partner (ex) I can try and give you some insight to how it feels. Despite knowing that things said in anger are often not thought out,especially if alcohol is involved, it is virtually impossible to wipe from your memory hurtful things said by the one you love and trust. Those words replay in your head and taint even good times. I don’t know if this was a one off for you and out of character. If so it has probably knocked your boyfriend for six and as well as hurt he is probably shell shocked. I know that on the first (or at least first couple) of times it happened to me I would have liked more than anything a big “gesture” from my partner. A really sincere apology and lots of affirmation to counteract the negative. He needs to know that you recognise the hurt you have caused him and that you will take responsibility for healing the wound. If it’s not a one off and saying hurtful things is your default mode in an argument then your boyfriend may be too weary of it and you need to look at yourself to figure out why you say things you don’t mean with the sole purpose of being hurtful. Learn how to argue not attack.
I hope you don’t feel I am being critical of you but you seem to be asking how to make this right with your boyfriend and I think to do that you need to put yourself in his shoes. He may need some space but he will be feeling hurt & confused. A letter of sincere apology explaining how upset you are with your behaviour and letting him know all the things you value about him might be a good start. Letters are non threatening not invasive and show the recipient you have made an effort.
Your boyfriend said he just wants to work it out, which resonates with me completely. He is reaching out to you & giving you the chance to put it right. Take it and heal the wound with sincerity honesty & love.
I wish you all the best