Infinite,

Thank you for sharing, and I’m sorry you carry such a burden of shame for who you are. Its unnecessary, things happen, allure us. Like an itch that pesters us until we’re free of it… there’s a need you have that is filled by such things. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Why tell your parents? To make you feel better? That’s rude! If they have strong attachments to their views, it may trouble them. You don’t have to tell them, your choices are between you and nature, and forgiveness and freedom from such choices is within. Grieve the loss, be done. They don’t need to hear that you pooped this morning, either. Ya know? The abortion choice doesn’t somehow define you. Nothing to share.

For the porn, it could be a number of things. My guess is that you have all this tension inside you about what “perfect” means, and because you’re not that, feel cruddy. Almost like you’re undeserving of a woman’s tender grace, and so she has to blert out how you feel about yourself, almost as though then, she is clearly accepting the “real you”. Said differently, you have a strong sex drive, and like sex, women. Yep, you’re a guy, get over it. 🙂 Keep the drool off your chin, be respectful, but play!

Part of the tension might be the “machismo” garbage fed into males. As though it is weak to surrender to a woman, to set down the hunter/conqueror, and accept just how amazing, alluring, sexy, and beautiful they are. They drive us nuts, and thats good, OK, part of the design. Why deny it? Appreciate it instead… they’re darn good at it! Perhaps if you felt comfortable with that, accepted that as part of your perfection, even with all the hooha it causes, you wouldn’t have to experience such extreme poking to feel safe enough to surrender. Or, maybe humiliation is just your thing, which is OK too, if you can experience it without feeling shitty later.

For the cheating thoughts, its normal, and just born of impatience with your sex drive. Don’t tend them, such as watching a movie in your brain with popcorn and tissues. Not that its bad, but it can interrupt your feeling of dedication to your partner, which is where the deeper joy of sex blossoms. Giving up the lesser for the greater. You are hers, right? So be hers, mind and body, as best you can. If you’re on the road, consider a fantasy of her… or if you feel like porn is needed, instead of “wow, I wish that pornstar was doing that to me”, consider an attitude of “wow, I wish my partner was here to do that to me”. If you can be patient, and just wait, your energy can stabilize, swell like a balloon, making your reuniting with her quite a spectacle. But do whatever you wish, dear brother, you’re OK, and will find your unique balance if you keep watching your desires and thoughts.

Namaste, brother, may your self contention ease.

With warmth,
Matt