I wouldn’t get too hung up on the pathology. You are your own individual and your ex was her own individual. Some of the definitions might help when seeking help or trying to understand something, but the reason I’m gravitating more towards the idea of immaturity/maturity is exactly so that I would not start to place labels on people.

I did not go through all the 12 steps. I did get a lot out of the experience, but things started to unfold for me so rapidly that the support group became kind of obsolete rather soon. There is indeed something in the program that I think might help with the shame. I think steps 4 and 5 would help you with that. That’s when you’ll make an inventory of wrongdoings and admit to them. We all have done all kinds of things that we regret, but have tried to bury deep down, deny or otherwise not process. Whilst I didn’t do it during the program, I have done my own work on looking at my past and myself with as much honesty as possible. It is so very helpful in letting go of the past and the shame.

Also, throughout the meetings, you get to expose yourself in a safe setting. People are there only to listen and not judge nor comment. It really is very healing to go there and talk and let it out in front of other people. When you keep things in, they’ll blow out of proportion and become bigger than they really are. There is nothing that you could’ve done that could not be forgiven.

When you are being authentic, there really is no need for shame anymore. Also, being authentic means that you accept yourself as you are, and there is no room for self-loathing in that scenario. You can’t deny yourself and be yourself in the same time.

I had a bit of a spiritual experience during one of my meetings, when I finally felt and understood unconditional love. It changed me forever and it pretty much got rid of any self-loathing. I understood that it is I who has to allow myself to feel the love; I am the gatekeeper. Other people could do everything they can, but if I was not ready to feel loved, then it didn’t matter what others did. I think it was really a key to my recovery and gave me the strength to move on.

The advice that I would give to you is to not think too much and just move forward with honesty. Simply practicing compassion and striving to be honest will do more than all the self-help books in the world. Life is actually really simple, but we tend to make it so very complex and difficult 🙂