Hello N,

I just read your post and wanted to share something with you in hopes that it might put your mind at ease.

I’ve been through that self-examination and that feeling of emptiness, and yes, I felt like panicking as well. It was really, really scary. But I stayed with it, for several reasons which are unimportant now. After a while it kind of stopped being empty.

I am no longer a religious person, so to me it’s not really about searching for God. It is not because I would be overly rational, but because I have accepted that there are things that I do not know and can no comprehend, so it’s better if I focus on the smaller things, which actually are within my grasp. It is not my job to define a God or what might happen after death. I will do the best that I can as a human being, and will surely make a lot of mistakes, but we can’t be expected to be perfect.

All that said, I have found the stories of near death experiences very interesting and how people have repeatedly told that it’s not someone else judging them, but rather, they themselves have judged their own lives, and subsequently process it and then forgive. I find that same thing happening in life in general. We can be so harsh towards ourselves and judge ourselves and hold onto those past mistakes. It is as if we’d rather carry some guilt with us than rip off the bandaid and face and deal with the things that we regret and then move on after learning from those mistakes.

You say that you are not ready to accept His love yet because you haven’t put the work in, but you have heard of unconditional love? If you had to put some work in, it would make it conditional 🙂 Meaning that you are already loved, accepted and forgiven. Whether you want to accept that is up to you, but unconditional love does not judge or value you according to your thoughts and deeds. Also, paradoxically, if you do accept that you are loved, the thoughts and deeds start to change as well from destructive to loving.

You are not the first one to have gone through such thoughts and fears, so don’t fret that you are going crazy.

Sometimes when I have trouble with too complex thoughts and wondering what’s the point of me or anyone, I tend to think about plants. They strive to grow regardless of their environment. A small flower can push itself through asphalt. It doesn’t just decide to stop growing or to be alive. This growing, and tending to life and blossoming regardless of the obstacles is somehow a very invigorating imagery for me. A flower doesn’t think that it’s pointless, so why should we? We are here, we’re alive, so let’s live!