Thank you both for all your kind words and insights. I’ll try and take them to heart.

Funny enough, I also tell myself not to feel positive emotions. When I’ve done something wrong or feel ashamed of, it’s hard for me to feel good about anything because I feel like I don’t deserve to. “Somewhere, out there, someone is suffering because of something you did or didn’t do and here you are laughing and having fun! No! That’s very mean and insensitive. You have not payed enough for your sin and need a little bit more punishment.”

Wow, just writing that makes me realize how sick and twisted that logic is. Where the hell does this come from?

I’ll hide negative feelings and needs because I don’t want to be perceived as childish, needy, foolish, weak, overly sensitive, superficial, stupid, cowardly, selfish, disorganized, unmanly, or dependent. These are my biggest shame triggers and once they’re triggered, BAM! I recede and isolate and the barrage of slings and arrows of my mind begins anew.

As much as I really don’t want to be, I think I’m also very judgmental and critical of other people. They’re horrible superficial judgements that prevent me from really connecting with people in the kind of way that I would like – real meaningful, long lasting friendships, interdependent support, and unconditional love.

Jealousy is perhaps my biggest vice, especially when I’m feeling down – everyone is a better friend, a better partner, a better employee, a better sibling, a better citizen, a better conversationalist, a better [insert any aspect of life here]. I try to accept everyone for who they are, admire them, love them, learn from them, and constantly tell myself to do so, but I think I sometimes harbor resentment towards them as well. “How the hell do they do it? What am I doing that they’re not? How can I be more like them?”

I think I’m a bit of a perfectionist, which prevents me from starting and finishing things and perhaps ending relationships and projects prematurely because I feel they’re too hard – I panic, I get anxious, I get bored, I don’t think straight, I get impulsive, I lose my filter and I fall into a shame spiral that’s really hard to come out of. Most recently, the anxiety and depression were so deep, I lost sight of all the beauty of the world around me, including my girlfriend at the time.

I say I’m a learner and that I learn from my mistakes, but I don’t think I really am. I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again using the only pattern of behaviour and reaction I know. A mental delete button would be the greatest thing in the world! Then I wouldn’t have to walk up and down these streets reliving every single experience I’ve ever had wasting so much mental energy thinking and remembering.

My parents growing up were always so proud of me when I was the best and I wanted to be the best at what I do. Life many times over is showing me that I’m not actually as smart as I think I am nor am I as good as a person as I want to be. If I’m learning anything, it’s that I need to show more and more humility to the world.

Somethings gotta change, but I’m not sure how to bring about that change. Do I need to move to another city? Get new friends? Get a new job? Find a new calling or purpose in life? Get a new hobby? All of these things seem external to me and I keep reading that happiness comes from within. I just need to find it.

I will continue to meditate, open my heart to the world, wishing us all the happiness, health, and inner peace we all deserve.

Peace Jasime and Jane! You are AWESOMEEE TOO! 🙂