Forum Replies Created
November 29, 2014 at 6:19 am #68532
Thank you for the follow up Snails. Very insightful.
I am giving myself permission to have fun, but also keeping in mind that I have to always be honest, open, and respectful.November 26, 2014 at 4:11 am #68414
Thank you Snails for your honest response and your support.
You’re right on all accounts. Yes, there is an area in my life that is unsatisfactory. Namely, my job. I find it boring and unsatisfying and I have to muster a lot of energy to do the little work that I do. I used to enjoy the job and thrive in it, but now that spark is gone. I’m looking for ways to rekindle that spark and work hard at being present and of service to my colleagues and clients. The organization is very supportive, I get paid very well, the people are really nice, and the work itself is a noble service. And yet, I find myself very dissatisfied. Is this just a temporary lull? Would I fare better in a different organization or a different career? I’m not sure. The phrase, “The grass is not greener on the other side” keeps coming to mind. I do however have a variety of interests and activities outside of work which keep me engaged and help with my personal growth.
I did come out of a long term relationship about 4 months ago. It was very difficult, but I’m in a much better place than before. I feel like I’m ready to date again, but I don’t want to jump into anything serious too fast. Hence, I’m primarily driven by the desire for physical affection at this moment. It’s a somewhat uncomfortable place because, as I mentioned, I’ve never been that kind of person before. But I would never lie or manipulate to get what I need. I would never pretend I’m something that I’m not. And I don’t drink alcohol precisely because I know how it may impair my judgement. I don’t want to be a player, just direct and honest about what I need. Perhaps I just need to give myself permission to satisfy that need – while ensuring I’m safe and respectful of others.
Thank you for advice and guidance. I’m truly grateful.
NamasteNovember 7, 2014 at 9:42 am #67511
Check out this article entitled “26 Scientifically Proven Superhuman Benefits of Meditation”.
Number 17 speaks to your question directly.November 4, 2014 at 6:21 am #67296
I think that’s the right attitude and approach. Making connections with others is an important part of life – mental, emotional, physical, intellectual, but I feel like the key is never to try and force them. “Effortless effort” is the phrase that comes to mind for me. Open your heart to the universe. Make friends first and lovers will evolve naturally…or not.
Wishing you all the best
Namaste brotherNovember 3, 2014 at 11:36 am #67257
I can empathize completely since I too am riding the online dating wave. (And I use that metaphor purposefully)
There’s learning potential here and it sounds like you’ve already made some insights. You can see and empathize with the desperation of others. You can feel your own. Could it perhaps be that this is the energy that you’re giving off to the universe? Even if through the internet, could it be that you’re unconsciously communicating a certain vibe and hence you’re not getting the results you want?
What if you took a break from it for a while? Found some solid footing to stand on as an individual. Reconnected with yourself. Found confidence in your work, hobbies, families, and friends and let go of the longing for a relationship. And then perhaps, someday, casually, you take another peak behind the relationship door. No major expectations. No lofty goals. No desperation. Just curiousity and openess. “Que sera, sera”.
I say this to you as an anonymous friend who is going through something similar and if I were to give myself any advice, it would be percisely that – let go of the longing, relinquish control and expectations, and look within for that peace, happiness, and even excitement that you experienced when you were dating. If you find it, it will be a lot more lasting and not so depedent on external results.September 24, 2014 at 7:49 pm #65512
How do you let go? One breath at a time.
Step 1) Breath in
Step 2) Let go
Step 3) Breath out
Are you still holding on? Repeat steps 1-3.
And remember, you didn’t destroy anything. The relationship changed. You made an offer and she refused it. Had she accepted the relationship would have also changed. There wasn’t any malice intended, just learning and growth. You’re not wicked, evil, bad, and definitely not deserving whatever lashings your giving yourself. You’re just human and prone to errors.
Would you feel better if I told you you’ll probably make even worse mistakes with women in the future? It’s bound to happen.
Chin up. Shoulders back. Walk tall and chalk one up for the history books as future reference.September 24, 2014 at 11:11 am #65490
Ahhh, good old shame and guilt. We meet again. 🙂
Worse than any pain that she or anyone can inflict on you, is the pain that you inflict upon yourself. Even when forgiven, told to forget about it and move on, we continue to replay the scene in our head and wish it never happened. And down we’ve fallen into the shame spiral only to react and drown ourselves deeper and deeper and deeper into the abyss and lose sight of the sunlight completely.
If I breakdown the events, you assessed a person and situation, came up with a hypothesis, tried an experiment by appealing to her sexual side, and your hypothesis was wrong. You acknowledged your error and apologized. She accepted your apology.
It sounds like she’s forgiven you, but can you forgive yourself? Can you be patient? Can you not react? Can you be okay with the discomfort? Can you be okay with the possibility that your relationship may change and go into a completely new and unexpected direction? Can you give her space? You’ve reached out and she hasn’t responded. She may or may not. Can you let that be her choice?
She can’t alleviate your discomfort, your pain, your suffering. She’s can’t make you feel better or make you feel less distraught. You can’t confront her and demand that she make this pain go-away. You can try, but I anticipate you’ll just get pushed away again and perhaps further away
Rather than confrontation and focusing on her, focus on you, forgive yourself, strive to be okay with who you are and what happened, learn from your experience, apply self-compassion, open your heart, and find inner peace. Then, maybe, you’ll radiate an energy that is calm, composed, confident, and more approachable thereby attracting her or perhaps another woman. Can you be open to that possibility?September 24, 2014 at 8:31 am #65475
Someone once told me that it’s not the contents of a dream that are important, but rather the feelings that it elicits. I’m not a big fan of psychoanalysis and trying to interpret what in your dream represents what in your life. However, the feelings the you’re experiencing may be indicators of how you’re feeling about your life situation. From your post, I sense fear and a need to feel secure and safe. So I ask, what are you afraid of? Do you feel threatenned or a need for security? Is there anything you really have to fear? Is anything really threatening you? If so, how will you respond to this real threat? If there is no real threat, could it simply be your amygdala unconsciously responding to perceived threats?September 24, 2014 at 7:30 am #65472
Your experience echoes something I myself often experience and so I wonder, did you ask a question because you had a question to ask only to find yourself nervous when asking it OR did you feel compelled and pressured to ask a question in order fill a silent void, relieve the uncomofortable tension in the room, and “make others feel better”?
If it’s the latter, I’m not surprised that you had trouble formulating the question and were feeling nervous. The question may not have been genuine. In my experience, I find that if there’s something I really want to know and something peaks my curiousity, the question just comes up naturally. I still might get nervous once all eyes are on me, but because the motivation to speak stems from a personal need to know, once I get going, the eyes around me disappear and I’m simply conecting with the person I’m addressing. Others may benefit from hearing what I have to ask and the response, but the primary driver is personal and they just become observers in the exchange.
However, if I’m asking a question for the sake of asking a question, I’m not doing it for me. I’m doing it for everyone else in the room. I’m not really looking for a response. I’m not really engaging with the person I’m addressing. I become highly aware of the feeling and mood in the room and I’m unconsciously scanning the situation to see if I’ve successfully broken the tension. If you’re attention is split (addressing the recipient and scanning the room), you’re bound to get anxious and loose your thread.
Next time you feel the tension, see if you can just sit with it and not react. If the floor is open for questions, don’t look around, but look inside. Is there something you REALLY want to know? If so, take a moment to review your notes, reflect on what you heard, and maybe even write down your question before asking. If not, then just stay silent. You’re not there to make others feel better. You’re there to learn, engage, explore, and expand your knowledge.
And I agree with what others have said. Public speaking takes practice. Try out “Toastmasters International”. It’s a great organization that will help with your public speaking. However, always be aware of where your motivation is coming from and make sure you’re speaking because You have something YOU want to share or YOUR asking a question because YOU want to know. Not for the sake of others.
September 18, 2014 at 3:30 pm #65180
- This reply was modified 8 years ago by Little Buddha.
Yes, I agree, it might be a fear of failure. But then what is underlying that fear? I believe it’s the desire to be perceived as something or someone by other people. It’s a self-image that were desperately trying to preserve. If you succeed, that image is maintained. If you fail or fail to meet others expectations about your success, that image is shattered. The ego will fight at cost to preserve it self including avoiding any potential criticism or judgement.
Similarly, are you afraid of your own judge within? What standards are you setting for yourself and are you afraid that you may not live up to them? If everything fell apart and people around still supported you unconditionally, would you hate yourself for failing? In the past have you failed only to have your inner critic lash out at you and make you feel bad about yourself? That judging voice inside our heads can be very powerful in limiting our actions and moving forward with change.
In either case, I empathize because I believe a suffer from both – fear of external judgements and fear of my own inner critic. It can be debilitating and prevent you from living your life to its fullest potential. A book that I’m going to be re-reading is entitled “A Soul without Shame”. I started reading it awhile back and it really opened up my consciousness to the negativity I’m inflict upon myself despite how supportive everyone is around me. Time and time again, if life has taught me anything, it’s that you are your own worst enemy.
I hope you find the peace you so rightly deserve.
NamasteSeptember 16, 2014 at 7:52 pm #64995
Yes, I am a bit of perfectionist. Another thing I chastise myself for…too much perhaps. 😉
I do find it extremely difficult to block out negative thoughts and yes, I get very frustrated that I’m just not “getting it”. I’ve never heard it put so eloquently. There’s so much garbage in there floating around, new information just does not want to stay.
Interestingly enough, I’m not too interested in the “why” – my parents, my upbringing, a bully from school, genetics. Sure, all of those things may have played a factor, but I’m tired of digging in the past for the answer. I strongly believe that the answer is right under my nose, but once again, “I’m not getting it”.
If I was my own friend, I’d probably advise myself to look at my apartment situation from another point of view – focus on the positive aspects of the situation and focus on the things that are in my locus of control to change. I’d also tell myself to be grateful for what I have. So many others have it worse than I do. And who knows what the future may bring. Appreciate what you have now, because it could all disappear in a flash. Sure, you may have made a bad choice and the other apartment could be better, but who knows. Nothing is certain. You made a choice and accept it as there was no other choice you could have made. As if the other apartment wasn’t even available.
If we were talking about comparing myself to others, I’d tell myself to continue my metta medittation practice and opening your heart equally to all living beings. To see all people as equals with their issues, hang-ups, insecurities. Sure they might a better job at hiding them most of the time, but like you, they’re probably just faking it 99% of the time. All the world’s a stage.,,so continue to play this role you’ve been assigned. Read your lines. There is no such thing as a small part, just small actors.
@Matt, it’s funny, but I never once complained about my old apartment. It was really my sanctuary and I loved coming home to it. Hence the comparison to this apartment and it’s flaws. But I will use this experience to help teach me a new lesson in acceptance, not being so overly dramatic about it, and changing my perspective on things. I will get it or die trying. 🙂
I appreciate the advice that you all have given me. There are minor changes that I could make to improve upon the situation, but I will continue to work at accepting, being happy and grateful for what I have, and changing my perspective.September 16, 2014 at 7:59 am #64939
P.S. I recognize that this is all this is just Ego-ic thinking and responds to the question, “What do or will people think of me?” and the need for approval. Apple’s motto, “Think Differently” really applies here, but damns it’s hard! 😛September 3, 2014 at 8:03 am #64324
Thanks Big blue.
I’m hearing you say that adversity, challenges, and life experience have helped you build resiliency. With that, I can also hear Tony Horton’s words echo in my head, “Just keep pushing play”. 🙂
Tennis matches do show the full range of human emotions and I think that’s why it appeals to me. Tennis players or atheletes in general can be great role models when it comes to resiliency and perseverance. It’s choosing the right one that’s key. Do I want to be a Pete Sampras? Roger Federrer? or perhaps a John McEnroe? (Probably not the latter) 😉August 28, 2014 at 6:29 am #64048
Thanks for all your responses everyone. I wrote the email and sent it.August 21, 2014 at 2:15 pm #63766
Thank you Will. I really have to redefine my role at work, my views on leadership, and perhaps my role in life in general – always fixing, solving, wanting to make things better, being everyman to everyone, and what happens in the end? Drama! Nothing but mental proliferation and drama.
I do like your little joke. I think some part of me equates not caring what other people think with being rejected and lonely, which I end up doing to myself anyway because of the energy I spend trying to please people just depletes me completely and I end up alienating myself from those who may want to love me and get close to me.
If I don’t care what other people think, what’s is my compass? my barometer? How do I know I’m on the right path? I want my family to be proud of me. I want my bosses to approve of me. I want my colleagues to approve of me. I want my clients to approve of me. So much approval seeking, my god! It’s maddening! How else does one live if that’s the only program you know how to run?
Thank you for helping to open my eyes to this craziness.