Trying to Change

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    Lately, I have realized I would like to make some changes in my life. The problem is, I do not want people to remark on these changes. They are private changes, not relationship based, and I just want this part of my life to be about me. I don’t want to have people saying, “oh, good for you, you did __”

    I cannot figure out why this attention bothers me so much. The response I’m expecting is that it is fear of failure – if people know I’m trying, they will know if I fail. Even though that sounds convincing, I don’t think it is the real reason. It just doesn’t ring true for me.

    I want to move past this – after all, people are trying to be supportive with these comments. I want to appreciate that rather than finding it uncomfortable. I just can’t figure out why I feel this way, and I don’t think I can overcome it until I know the reason.

    Has anyone else experienced this? Any ideas about what could be causing these feelings and how to move past them?

    Your wisdom is appreciated!

    Little Buddha

    Hi Richele,

    Yes, I agree, it might be a fear of failure. But then what is underlying that fear? I believe it’s the desire to be perceived as something or someone by other people. It’s a self-image that were desperately trying to preserve. If you succeed, that image is maintained. If you fail or fail to meet others expectations about your success, that image is shattered. The ego will fight at cost to preserve it self including avoiding any potential criticism or judgement.

    Similarly, are you afraid of your own judge within? What standards are you setting for yourself and are you afraid that you may not live up to them? If everything fell apart and people around still supported you unconditionally, would you hate yourself for failing? In the past have you failed only to have your inner critic lash out at you and make you feel bad about yourself? That judging voice inside our heads can be very powerful in limiting our actions and moving forward with change.

    In either case, I empathize because I believe a suffer from both – fear of external judgements and fear of my own inner critic. It can be debilitating and prevent you from living your life to its fullest potential. A book that I’m going to be re-reading is entitled “A Soul without Shame”. I started reading it awhile back and it really opened up my consciousness to the negativity I’m inflict upon myself despite how supportive everyone is around me. Time and time again, if life has taught me anything, it’s that you are your own worst enemy.

    I hope you find the peace you so rightly deserve.


    Monica Dubay

    Dear Richele

    We are always so hard on ourselves…especially as women. I think if I look back on my life, I was always thinking I had to live up to someone’s expectations. I had a deep need to please others. If you can do something just for you, do it. Nobody needs to know about it. You have nothing to prove. You are already perfect and whole.

    Hope this helps.





    We cannot change ourselves by our will power.
    change comes _when are honest with ouselves, seeing our character flaws.
    such as resentments and just desiring to change, it happens all by itself.
    no trying, just desiring.

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