Jane,

I figured that might be your dream. You just have to be with the person who shares your dream.

At first I’d like to say that even though I’m happy that you seem so psyched about taking your power back, when you actually do, you don’t have to be forceful about it 😉

This is a dream that you need to prioritise and if your partner does not share your vision of the future, then you’ll need to find someone who does. And I don’t mean that you need to blackmail him into it, but that it is the reality. This is something that I’ll probably go and share in the thread about expressing feelings as well, but I do think that it is very important that adults can discuss reality without having to resort to different tactics or becoming overly emotional. Of course you can have feelings about the subject, but discussing the facts of life needs a bit of detachment.

Taking the power back also means that you shouldn’t give up on something you really want just because other people might not share your vision. You’ll then need to find the people who do share your vision. If you give up on that because you’re placing other people’s desires first, you’ll end up bitter, and a bitter Jane isn’t going to be a fun person to be with later in life.

I have this friend who was dating a man for about five years. She was around your age when they were dating. They did live together, but didn’t get engaged and weren’t moving towards marriage and kids, something that she really wanted. Well, I’m not so sure about the marriage part (she had been married before), but she did want a family and children, very much. She wasn’t able to conceive during her marriage and she knew that if they decided to have children with her BF, that they might have to resort to all kinds of treatments and that it would take time. So she was really pressed for time. They had a painful discussion around the topic around once per year. I’m not sure how that discussion went, but clearly they never decided to move forward with their relationship. It was pretty painful to watch as I knew how much she wanted to be a mother. He wasn’t at all sure about being a father.

Then after about five years they finally broke up. I can’t remember what broke the camels back, but it was slightly dramatic and not as amicable as it could’ve been. Then really rather soon after the break-up, he got involved with a single mother and they became a little family unit. They got married later and I think they have a child or two of their own now. Harsh? Well, things turned out well for my friend as well. She started seeing a man, she was direct about her feelings about motherhood right from the start and said that she truly can’t afford to wait around. Some time after that, she got pregnant. She had a child and bam! Pregnant again. Now she is a mother of two and lives a suburban life with the father of her children.

It is so weird how things turned out from the perspective of watching those two feel awkward around the subject for five years. But it is one of the greatest stories I’ve witnessed that teaches about letting go in order to allow things to come to fruition. If they wouldn’t have let go, I don’t think things would’ve turned out that well.

I’m not saying that you need to let go of your boyfriend. Just that if it starts to look really difficult, then it’s better for everyone’s sake to let go and move on to other people. It is scary, but it’s better than growing old and bitter with each other. I also wouldn’t dance around the topic and then once per year have a huge emotional discussion about it that felt anxious to everyone (even those of us watching from the sidelines).

Be honest with yourself about what you want and then be honest with other people. I hope you’ll get what you desire.