Hello all,

I’ll offer a bit of my own story as an example and how things have turned out for me. It might not seem to answer the original question, but since there has been discussion about codependency and holding back feelings, I think it might be appropriate.

I grew up being very codependent, and other people’s needs were much more important to me than my own. I don’t think I even understood my own needs. I was just focused on trying to keep everything peaceful and safe; if other people would feel good, then I would feel good. So I handled myself through handling other people. I did so through subtle emotional manipulation. Of course, I didn’t see it as manipulation, but that’s what it was. To me it was just business as usual.

A few years ago I met someone who started to point out to me the reality of my modus operandi. I had heard before that the codependent way of dealing was actually manipulation, but I discarded the idea, as it was too difficult for me to accept. That me, who was always so worried about other people, would actually be doing something wrong? Anyway, occasionally, he would point out to me that I was trying to make him feel or do something with subtle ways. To me it was just normal way of behaving, so it felt weird to see it from another perspective. He told me that if I needed something, or wanted to discuss something, then all I had to do was say so. It should be common sense, but for me it felt like the most groundbreaking idea 🙂 That I should actually directly say what I wanted?

After this I started to be more aware of my behaviour patterns. It was actually quite horrible, because I noticed that every time I opened my mouth and words came out, I was manipulative. I said things that I thought the other person would want to hear, or that would make them do something or feel something. When I tried to examine what it was that I myself actually wanted or needed, I had no idea. I couldn’t comprehend such simple task.

My relationship to this person broke down and that was the catalyst to my recovery. It was too much to take that my lifelong behaviour patterns would’ve cost me someone so precious. It has now been around 2,5 years of work, setbacks and breakthroughs.

What Matt is saying sounds incredibly simple, but that is exactly what I have been trying to practice. If you want something, ask. The other person might say “no”, or they might say “yes”. I have to say though, the feeling that you get from expressing your desires honestly and then getting a “yes”, without any manipulation, is such a rush. It’s amazing. Interestingly, getting a “no” is much easier to handle now than when it was when I wasn’t communicating honestly. It doesn’t crush me. It’s so simple now. You ask for something, if you don’t get it, then fair enough. Then you can move on and you don’t have to keep wondering if you should’ve said it in a different way or in a different time.

I’m aware that I still might have ways of dealing with things that aren’t straightforward. I’m aware of my possible unawareness, let’s put it that way. Which is why I have asked people to tell me if they perceive something that I can’t see, and which is why I have a tendency to point out something I see in others, even if it’s something they might not want to hear.

I danced around other people my whole life and I was joined by other similar people who danced around me. Looking back at it now, life was horrible. Now, when something arises in me, I acknowledge it, accept it and then deal with it accordingly. Who I truly am is now connecting in an authentic way with the world around me, and it’s like life has colours now. Even the simplest things feel so vivid, because I connect with them directly, without any buffers or filters. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I hope that same for others. It takes time, it’s not easy, and I don’t think I’m fully there yet, but it has been all worth it. I’m actually alive now. A wholly recommended experience 🙂

• This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by The Ruminant.