If a Buddhist guru isn’t able to forgive you, then either he is not living according to his own beliefs or you have misunderstood him. It makes no sense that he would be so harsh. Emotional blackmail should not be part of any spiritual teachings.

Reality is probably not as complex as it seems to you. You are stuck in your mind in a situation that seems impossible, but if you knew all the sides of the story, you’d realise that the reality is not what it seems. Unfortunately, you are trying to solve a riddle that you’ve created for yourself and you’ve constructed it so that it’s insolvable as it is right now. You are trying to choose between A and B and both options seem impossible, but what you don’t see is that A and B are probably not what you think that they are.