Susan,

It may have been her property, but it was your home as well. That’s one thing. Another thing is that telling someone that they want to work things out and then cut all contact, change locks and install security system is not normal. That’s deceptive and paranoid.

I can understand that you defend her actions, because you’ve bought into the illusion she has created. You can’t have a healthy, rational relationship with a narcissist; you have to believe in the same illusions they do in order for it to work. Also, it’s not easy to accept that what was, actually really wasn’t. It’s not just about learning how to trust other people again, but you need to learn how to trust yourself again.

I have been in relationships with narcissists and I know how it works. I always blamed myself and really couldn’t understand that it wasn’t normal, so I defended them and tried to get back in good graces with them. If only I would be different and they would accept me again. Only, there never will be acceptance, because you aren’t a mirror. You’re a human being with your own thoughts, dreams and aspirations.

I don’t hate my exes and I can even understand their side of the story. They all had their own journey and childhood issues, just like I’ve had mine. I’m still never going to subject myself to such treatment again. I can be compassionate from a distance, hopefully with my feet firmly on the ground. I strongly urge you to do the same.

I also strongly urge you to seek a support group with similar stories to yours. You’re still caught up in your own illusions, but when you hear other people explaining theirs, you can see the patterns from a neutral point of view.

And of course above all, be kind to yourself and start to rebuild your confidence regardless of what the future brings!