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Looming Divorce, desperate for peace, need help

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)
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  • #61397
    Susan
    Participant

    Hello everyone, I am in so much pain sometimes it is hard to breathe. Here is my story. My wife (yes, I’m gay, we were married in NYC) and love of my life kicked me out of the house about a month ago. She has a long history of loving people and then pushing them aside but I thought I was different – I thought we were different. She talked of reconciliation, she kissed me goodbye our last morning together and told me she was hopeful and wanted to work on things. I left feeling sad but optimistic, she then cut off all communication as soon as I was out the door and I haven’t had any meaningful interactions since. She changed the locks and installed a security system to keep me out of the house (not that I would have ever gone back uninvited anyway), has only allowed me to see my stepson twice, has told her friends she is no longer wanting to work on things but has told me we will talk when she returns to town in 3 weeks. I have given her complete space and time to think, I haven’t made contact, I have left her alone. This is hard for me, space isn’t my best event at all, which was her main complaint. My heart is broken, I feel discarded and thrown away. I love her, I know she isn’t always perfect, none of us are, but I want her back so badly and don’t know what to do. I am so sad, so lonely, in so much pain, it is overwhelming. Any advice?

    #61472
    lucia
    Participant

    Hi Susan,

    I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain. 🙁 It is very difficult to have someone you care for so much do a 180 on you. Do you have friends to go out with? Hobbies or activities to go out and do? just taking out time to do something you love to do or be with others you feel a close connection can help ease your heartbreak a bit. It’s not a quick fix or a cure-all, it will take time to heal, you are literally going through a grieving process. Take care of yourself, you deserve to have love and comfort, especially when you’re feeling super blue.

    Sorry Susan, I hope some of this helps. It won’t be an easy experience, but be kind and patient with yourself.

    #61474
    Susan
    Participant

    Thank you Lucia,
    I am spending a great deal of time talking to friends and family but worry I am draining them. I’ve planned a couple of trips and am trying to stay busy. It seems regardless of how well I am going through the motions of doing the right things, I’m still feeling horrible. Everything reminds me of her, nothing is the same with her gone.

    #61476
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hello Susan,

    I read your post yesterday and wanted to respond then, but felt a bit shocked. I’m still not quite sure what to say, but I’ll try.

    Kicking someone out of a mutual home is a really cold and cruel thing to do. Unless there would be domestic violence or some similar type of situation, where people are under threat, there really is no excuse for such behaviour. A home should be a place where you can rest and be safe, and to take it away from another person without a warning is just…well the thought just makes me really angry. Aside from the breakup of the relationship, please do take some time to restore and heal your feelings of basic security and trust.

    I know we all want to think that we’re different when it comes to someone who has a pattern of behaviour in relationships. Love is blind and it feels so magical at first. Of course you are different and you were different for her as well, but that does not change the fact that she has her own issues that actually have nothing to do with you, nor anyone else she has dated previously. They are her problems that she should deal with. You can not change another person and romantic love isn’t a form of therapy.

    All that said, I can understand that you want her back. Or perhaps you want to restore the point when everything was still normal. Put the genie back in the bottle and wish that nothing had happened. I know it’s scary and difficult to accept, and I really am sorry for the pain that you have to go through.

    You can’t force peace, but surprisingly, sometimes when you allow the pain and sorrow to come out, accept it and greet it like a friend, it turns into peace. The lack of peace isn’t necessarily the fact that you are in a turmoil, but that you are in addition trying to fight the turmoil and the pain. You’ve been pushed to a certain direction in life and you’re trying to claw your way back, and that is not going to be peaceful.

    Would there be some kind of local support group where you could go and let it all out? You can let it out here as well, but it’s just not the same as physically sharing with people who feel your pain and understand. Have you ever spoken with her previous partners and do you know what happened there? Approaching it, not from a place of pettiness and desire for revenge, but from a place of desire to understand and to be heard, to actually hear from someone who has gone through a similar thing and has had a longer time to get some distance. Also, perhaps, and I’m not saying that’s the case, but you could look at some of the writings and discussion of the victims of narcissists. She doesn’t have to be one, but the lack of empathy is similar in those cases as well.

    You are still probably in shock, in mourning and it is understandable that you can’t see the situation from a neutral point of view. Heck, I can’t see it from a neutral point of view, as I’m still so angry about the fact that a person would have been thrown out of their home! So I’m hoping that other people with less emotional reaction would pitch in 🙂

    Susan, don’t fret. Things have a way of working out in the end, and down the line you might realise that this was a blessing in disguise. I know it doesn’t seem like that now, and you have a difficult road ahead of you, but it might lead to something pretty wonderful.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by The Ruminant.
    #61496
    Silvia
    Participant

    Hi Susan,

    I too went to a very similar situation with my ex wife. yes, I’m gay too from New York. We were together for over 12 years, and it was devastating, I think I was in shock for the first 6 months. What got me through it was a lot of self help book, and a little bit of therapy. talking about it helped at lot. I talked it about it over and over until eventually I talked about it less. It was not easy to let go, but eventually I did. There is light of the end of the tunnel, believe me.

    #61500
    Susan
    Participant

    The Ruminant,
    Thank you for your response and the time and effort you obviously placed into the communication. I feel validated and heard. I found a few of your points very interesting. Love not being therapy certainly rings true. I am actually a therapist and have often if my desire to help her heal is part of the problem, especially when she is unable to see her own brokenness. Another very interesting point; the mention of narcissism. Yes, I firmly believe she is not a little bit of a narcissist, but a severe narcissist. She actually meets all of the criteria for narcissism in the DSM, and only a few of them are needed to make the diagnosis, yet she meets them all. That has both helped me realize I can’t control this situation and actually have very little influence on it, and also caused so much more pain for that very fact – I cannot change this. This leads me to another very important observation you made – I am trying to go backward, to get back the peace I had before. That isn’t possible yet I am working my fingers to the bone to get there. I suppose I should mourn the loss, but to be honest she still hasn’t told me she isn’t going to work to save us. I know the answer will be this she is gone, but we haven’t talked yet so in still holding out hope. Maybe delusional on my part. Oh, and about the house, it’s her home, has been for years before me and she has a young son, so moving wasn’t a surprise for me. It was painful, but the logical step since she had decided to discard me.

    #61501
    Susan
    Participant

    Sylvia,

    Thank you for sharing a but of your past. It is helpful to know I am not alone in this experience. I am talking to my friends more than I want to admit, and I worry I am draining on them. I feel stuck in limbo, knowing on a core level she is done yet hoping she isn’t. We are supposed to talk in about a month and I will, I’m assuming, get the answer from her that she is done with me for good. I dread that day. You mentioned books, which ones helped you?

    #61559
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Susan,

    It may have been her property, but it was your home as well. That’s one thing. Another thing is that telling someone that they want to work things out and then cut all contact, change locks and install security system is not normal. That’s deceptive and paranoid.

    I can understand that you defend her actions, because you’ve bought into the illusion she has created. You can’t have a healthy, rational relationship with a narcissist; you have to believe in the same illusions they do in order for it to work. Also, it’s not easy to accept that what was, actually really wasn’t. It’s not just about learning how to trust other people again, but you need to learn how to trust yourself again.

    I have been in relationships with narcissists and I know how it works. I always blamed myself and really couldn’t understand that it wasn’t normal, so I defended them and tried to get back in good graces with them. If only I would be different and they would accept me again. Only, there never will be acceptance, because you aren’t a mirror. You’re a human being with your own thoughts, dreams and aspirations.

    I don’t hate my exes and I can even understand their side of the story. They all had their own journey and childhood issues, just like I’ve had mine. I’m still never going to subject myself to such treatment again. I can be compassionate from a distance, hopefully with my feet firmly on the ground. I strongly urge you to do the same.

    I also strongly urge you to seek a support group with similar stories to yours. You’re still caught up in your own illusions, but when you hear other people explaining theirs, you can see the patterns from a neutral point of view.

    And of course above all, be kind to yourself and start to rebuild your confidence regardless of what the future brings!

    #61569
    Anyone
    Participant

    Hi Susan,

    I feel really sorry for what you had to go through. Also, angry and upset, for I don’t know why sometimes some people are not satisified with one person in relationship… Sigh!

    I have been in a relationship with a lesbian for 2 years; although I discovered that she has been a flirt in her life,but she always made me feel I was special. I was going through a low phase in my life and I liked the comfort, love and care she extended to me. I later discovered she was dating another colleague during weekends. Thought it would work but I didn’t have the answers I was looking for. To cut the long story short, sometimes we miss to take the clues God sends our way. You’re looking for a formal communication from her on your relation, but you might as well have to gather the clues here and figure out the answer for yourself. She must have already moved on in her life. Why would you want to be stuck in past? You’re a wonderful person and you deserve love, care and compassion! Sending lots of love and compassion your way. Be gentle and kind on yourself. Focus only on yourself at this moment. Keep posting your thoughts here whenever you feel low…

    Blessings to you dear Susan…

    #61582
    Michael
    Participant

    There is a great thread on this site titles “You Don’t Need Closure”, I found it very helpful when my girlfriend of three years ended out=r relationship three months ago by a simple text, “My feelings changed”. I was (and still am) desperate for answers hoping to find anything I could “fix” to get her back..and only to realize it did not exsist- she simply was not in love with me. I know there is nothing I can do to bring her back. We went from looking at rings to no contact at all-I sent her a text a couple of weeks ago in a low blood sugar moment, to which she said there was nothing else to say, other than she had never been happy while we were together and had nothing but bad memories of our time together-in an instant I went from a “poor me, my life is over” to the horrible realization that she had been so unhappy all along, and that I didn’t see her unhappiness, and that I was unable to give her the happiness she so deserves.

    #61669
    Susan
    Participant

    The Ruminant,
    Thank you for your wise words. I am going to a support group once a week and see an individual therapist who is helping me work through some of this. Yesterday my wife hid her relationship status on facebook and actually that seems to be the one thing that has actually gotten me to a little bit of a mad place. I realize it might sound silly, but that high school behavior is just obviously not of high integrity. To tell the world you are moving on before you actually sit and tell you wife is a cowardly move. My ability to see things clearly comes in waves. At times I can see things as they likely are, but most of the time I am still sad, and desperate to fix this.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Susan.
    #61671
    Susan
    Participant

    Anyone,
    I too don’t understand why some people cannot seem to remain loyal to one person. I have never cheated on anyone, can’t imagine doing that, but I know and am close to many good people who have. It is a mystery to me. I thank you for sharing your story. It must have been hard finding out about the affair. It is awful when you realize you have been deceived. I am trying to take care of myself, but caring for her is what I am best at… I’m learning.

    #61673
    Susan
    Participant

    Michael,
    I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I find some similarities. Although we were married, her decision also seemed to be sudden and swift so I can imagine how hard that was for you. I also really related to your mention of your girlfriend saying things had always been awful and not really agreeing. I know my wife and I had some problems and some arguments and some tension sometimes. I know we didn’t always agree on things and had very opposing needs at times, but we also had some wonderful times. WE laughed and loved each other… I was there, it happened. Yet, she is now saying the entire relationship was awful. She actually describes our relationship as her “time of misery” but I know that cannot be the entire truth. If it was then she wouldn’t have married me. I wouldn’t have so many text messages in which she says I’m wonderful. So what’s true? I just don’t know.

    #61678
    Anyone
    Participant

    Dear Susan,

    Some words that crossed my mind…. For some people it is not necessary (for them) to communicate that they don’t want the relationship anymore. And when it happens, it’s always a hide and seek game. They hide and we try harder to find out the answers. And it’s very difficult to find out what’s going on in their life; so we must take the clues and carry on rather than waiting for somebody else to come and say that ‘it’s over’.

    I too, had the habit of checking the status on social networking sites (which is not healthy at all); and since I inculcated a habit of not going to Facebook atleast, I gained the peace of mind which was lost. It does help! Try it out. When you notice yourself thinking about your ex; occupy yourself in some activity, and try to be with people as far as you can. This too helps to be in another world.

    For the words that hurt us; it somehow gets stuck in our head and we keep rewinding it. Try to forgive her for all the harsh/hurtful words. Not for her, but for your peace of mind! Because you’re a worthy, wonderful and an amazing person!

    Muah…Stay positive…:-) Cheers!

    #61679
    Susan
    Participant

    Anyone,
    I agree with you that it isn’t necessary for some people to discuss the end of a relationship. Here is the hurtful part. Our last night together ended with her kissing me goodbye, telling me she loves me and it will all be ok. Then she disappeared. We aren’t just dating, we are married, we have (had) a life together, were raising her son together. We need to talk about what is going on. If she decided to change this from a separation to a divorce I have no choice but to accept that, but I would like to talk about it, not just sit here with my wedding ring on like an idiot while she is off starting a new life. It is awful.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)

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