Forum Replies Created
July 23, 2014 at 9:21 am #61582
There is a great thread on this site titles “You Don’t Need Closure”, I found it very helpful when my girlfriend of three years ended out=r relationship three months ago by a simple text, “My feelings changed”. I was (and still am) desperate for answers hoping to find anything I could “fix” to get her back..and only to realize it did not exsist- she simply was not in love with me. I know there is nothing I can do to bring her back. We went from looking at rings to no contact at all-I sent her a text a couple of weeks ago in a low blood sugar moment, to which she said there was nothing else to say, other than she had never been happy while we were together and had nothing but bad memories of our time together-in an instant I went from a “poor me, my life is over” to the horrible realization that she had been so unhappy all along, and that I didn’t see her unhappiness, and that I was unable to give her the happiness she so deserves.July 21, 2014 at 9:34 am #61396
I’m glad to see you have begun your recovery. You mentioned the first four weeks were the worst, but I find as time goes on it actually gets harder for me-I have to accept the finality of the situation. As time goes by I have to allow myself to think that many of her reasons might not have been entirely accurate-she simply said her feelings had changed, which is true, but she also said she had to find out what she wanted and who she was…this after three years together. The trouble I have is I of course checked her FB status and she seems very happy, and no hint of sorrow or remorse. Clearly it was the right move for her, she is happy which she said she never was with me. This is not my first heartbreak or serious relationship by any means, rather most probably my last. I have given her everything I had to offer, and it was not enough. I have no desire to get “better”, I am just numb. I don’t want to be bitter, I want her to be happy, I just wish she could have told me she was so unhappy during the three years prior-not after we were looking at engagement ringsJuly 20, 2014 at 1:24 pm #61322
@BigBlue..I have asked myself the same question many times. I too was involved in a relationship with someone much younger than myself, and honestly it was never an issue aside from providing some awkward moments for sales associates referring to me as my girlfriend’s father..the age difference was never an issue, at least so i thought. She recently ended the relationship of three years simply by texting her feelings had changed…I know since we both work at the same business it will be extremely difficult for me to see her, the first time we ran into each other she didn’t say hello, even though we were the only two in the hallway. To have shared every thought, every hope and dream of the future with someone and then have them pass you in the hall without even a hello is more than difficult-I know I will have to leave. But to sort of answer your question and the eternal question is it better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all, right now I would have to say I would rather never have loved as I loved her-while I wouldn’t know what life really could be, I also wouldn’t know how painful it can be, how it feels to lose everything and have your heart ripped from your chest. it’s really kind of funny, many of my past relationships have said I had a heart of stone, but it was really just armour built up over the years of seeing the true horrors of the world, what mankind is capable of doing to each other, of how man can behave, and on a personal level, how love can fail. So when I allowed that armour to be torn away and exposed my heart, I felt things I had never felt before…I allowed my heart to imagine a life with this woman, a future together….and now, after opening my heart, my heart is now empty, I have nothing left to give. I don’t want another relationship, even if she were to somehow change her mind.July 11, 2014 at 1:26 pm #60644
@Gladys Thank you for your kind words. the last line which read “but more so that I could give her the happiness she so deserves” was supposed to read “but more so that I could not give her the happiness she so deserves”. I did my best to please her, to make her happy, to make us happy. She was and is my life, my reason for being. To read her words and know she was so unhappy is unbearable. Why couldn’t I see that she was so unhappy? I actually did, I guess, just hid it from myself. She never once said “I love you” during the first three years, and when I finally mentioned it to her that she never said it or responded when I said it, she said it’s sued too much. Perhaps, but sometimes it’s nice to hear. She also never kissed me first-despite the situation. I know I’m just wallowing in self pity, but I always found those two things disturbing. All I can think of now is how unhappy she must have been.July 10, 2014 at 3:34 pm #60560
Hi @Blaise and @Gladys and everyone..
I had posted here a few days ago and found the advice very helpful, especially the intelligent words from Blaise. I cannot fathom the inner strength that Gladys has to deal with the issue as directly as she does.
An update on my situation: Yesterday, in a low blood sugar induced (seriously) moment I sent her what I thought was a fairly benign text, simply “what happened to us?”.
I had not texted her in the two months since she suddenly ended the relationship, at the time simply stating her feelings had changed. She was very blunt and didn’t hold back at the time, and she didn’t respond to my next several texts. I was, and still am, obviously devastated.
I thought, or hoped, that maybe she was just frightened by what she may have perceived as a change in her independence by her life changing-she just received her MBA, we had started looking at rings…until yesterday.
She responded to my text, but not in the way I wanted or even expected. She was surgical, brutally honest. She said our three years together was a mistake, and that she had nothing but unhappy memories from our time together. She said she had never been happy in our relationship, and there was no chance for any kind of reconciliation, and didn’t want any contact from me ever again (as we work in the same place, passing in the hallway is inevitable).
So now more than my pain of losing her, I have to accept that I never made her happy during our time together. I was worried that the age difference between us might have been a factor (I am considerably older) , but that never appeared to bother her. She has everything going for her-beautiful, brilliant, and witty. I honestly think she hurt me more yesterday than when she left, maybe its because I now know and have to accept there is no hope, but more so that I could give her the happiness she so deserves. Thanks everyone.July 7, 2014 at 1:43 pm #60359
As one who has just been just devastated by my girlfriend of over three years suddenly saying her feelings had changed and we were done,let me ask a question. Please excuse the cynicism, as I find each day a struggle as I try to accept the reality at hand…
From reading the posts, both of you were the ones that decided to end the relationship, and no you are questioning your decisions? Maybe you should have thought about it a little more initially, or as in my case, perhaps mentioned that something was bothering you. I really resent the “See if there is someone better” outlook…silly me, thinking love would be involved. It’s not a deli folks, you don’t get to try a sample and expect your old standby to be there waiting for you if you decide you still like the old..These are peoples lives, their hearts.Are you perhaps missing the relationship more than the person, or maybe you are just grieving..a relationship ending is a loss, and we feel loss and pain, but that is not the same as missing someone and the love you had together. I was, by all accounts,a “good guy”- never drank, never did drugs or gambled, never abusive, good career, doting over her…but none of it matters-she just isn’t in love with me. She has moved on. I am crushed.
Sorry for the anger in the post, I’m just amazed people choose to end a relationship rather than put the work in and then question their decision.July 5, 2014 at 5:39 pm #60257
Thank you @Blaice,
You appear to have great insight and compassion, so I will push my luck with another question-last summer the same thing happened, she said she wanted to find herself, though she didn’t use language she did this time to leave no doubt it was now over permanently. We got back together in September..but only for those few breaks in the academic year when she had a couple of days off and she wasn’t busy with work or school…I tried to make each opportunity quality time together, but here is the part I am questioning, but probably just looking for hope or closure…the summer is really the only time we had to spend any extended time together due to work and her classes-(she received an advanced degree two weeks after she ended our relationship). With this degree done there was nothing keeping us from spending all our free time together. Now suddenly when we would have the time it’s over. Coincidence? I was always the one pushing the more permanent relationship. There is a considerable age difference between us, but I never thought it was a factor for her. Both of us have been in more than our share of less than healthy relationships, and after finding what I thought was “The One” it is tough to stay positive. I think most of us here are probably much better at giving advice than following our own.July 1, 2014 at 11:53 am #60050
Do you miss him or do you miss the companion aspect of the relationship? You said you don’t have many friends in the area, and now you have lost your best friend. I was fortunate enough to be best friends with the woman I love, so when the relationship just ended suddenly two months ago I also lost my best friend. And even though I love her with every fiber of my being, she does not feel the same, and unfortunately, reason and logic cannot change what the heart feels.July 1, 2014 at 11:40 am #60048
I too am searching for closure that will never come and also found the article very helpful and insightful. I was also unaware of any problems until she said (via text) we were done as her “feelings had changed”….this after three years and looking at rings very recently. No attempt to talk about anything bothering her, no chance to make amends, just “Done”.June 30, 2014 at 4:32 am #59924
Thank you SeaMonkey!
My initial thought were to keep it as simple and respectful as possible-just a smile and a Hello, but when she didn’t even acknowledge me I began to question if this is what she wanted from me as well. I literally have no idea why this happened, and how it happened so quickly-as I mentioned I met her parents in March when we flew down for a weekend and I thought it went very well. There was no fighting, no argument, just a sudden “feelings changed”.And since it was by text I never received any of the questions I had, many of which there probably is no answer to. Like many, she was also my best friend, so that compounds the loss.
I’ve now deleted her texts so I can’t reread them and look for hope, though she was brutally clear in her desire to end it.
Thank you again for listening to my rant!June 29, 2014 at 5:43 pm #59878
Unfortunately I am in a similar scenario, and I’m writing this as I try to hold it together after rereading her last text messages to me for the hundredth time… I thought things were going very well, we had just flown down to meet her parents for the first time when she ended the 3 year relationship by text…saying her feelings had changed. I’m devastated, but like you I work in the same company as she does. When I saw her for the first time in weeks she didn’t even say hello…I want her to be happy, I know all too well life is not a fairly tale, but how do I act when I see her at work? Do I say hello? She has chosen not to respond to me last few text messages and emails, so I stopped sending them. She knows how I feel, and she has been brutally honest with her assessment of a future for us. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.