What should I do when he wants to find himself?

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This topic has 16 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 28, 2014 at 3:04 am #59802

Anonymous
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We’ve been together for 4 years now. But he broke up with me recently saying he feels we need to “grow apart”. Mostly because he says he needs to find himself. He says he loves me and really cares for me but he doesn’t know whats going to happen to him. If he’ll still be the same person, if he’ll still want the same things. It took me aback at first. Because we never had any major problems and we always solve our fights. We were really good together and we were already talking about the future (he brought it up). I was also hurt because I was never demanding as a girlfriend and I always made it a point to cater to his interests. I never wanted him to “lose himself”.

Anyways, I’ve been reading advice online about “finding yourself and being on a relationship/breaking up to find yourself” and I pretty much understand how this is good for him. Even if it hurts me and I sometimes still feel we could have worked it out. I keep telling myself its not my life, its not my decision to make and ultimately, I should just be happy for him that he had the guts to do it.

My question is for me however. I cant seem to find advice for those who were left behind. They usually tell people to just let go and move on but my situation is kind of different and I’m kind of clueless on what to do.

You see, we work together and will be working together for the next 5 years (unless he decides to move companies). It’d be kind of hard to just “magically disappear”. I’ll be seeing him everyday and I don’t know if it’s right to stay close to him especially when he’s at this sort of stage. Especially when he said he doesnt want to think about me all the time at the moment. He just wants to think for himself. He says he wants to be friends and that he wants to see me grow because he still “loves” me but I’m questioning how that is any different from being in a relationship? Right now, I really feel we should grow together. Even as friends but I’m not entirely set on being just friends (which will be a problem). I feel bad about the possibility of losing us and abandoning him in his time need. I’m not sure whats good for me and whats good for him anymore.

What should I do?

June 28, 2014 at 3:36 am #59806

@Jasmine-3
Participant

Hi Sea Monkey

I am sorry that you find yourself in this state. You seem like a highly evolved soul and I know you will do what is best for you and you wont struggle too much with it.

If it was me in this situation, I would let him have the space he needs to grow but without any expectation for reunion. Your first priority is YOU and then comes everything else.

Use the time to grow yourself more, do things that you enjoy, get to know new people and try new territories. I feel that this break might be a huge blessing for you and anyways, nothing ever happens for no reason. Your higher self is doing you a huge favour that you cant appreciate currently 🙂 but will in a few months for sure.

Focus should be YOU. Be respectful towards your needs and desires. Dont develop passive aggressive traits. Treat him and his needs in an assertive manner with you being the first priority.

Hope this helps,

Cheers

Jasmine

June 28, 2014 at 3:49 am #59807

Anonymous
Inactive

Thanks for the reply Jasmine! It means so much to me. Don’t really have anyone to talk to about this since we share friends and I don’t really want to bother anyone with my whining.

I’ve been keeping myself busy actually and I’ve found myself smiling more often. Ive been giving him space but time and time again he’s been trying to talk to me. I don’t know if I should even entertain him. I reply but most of the time, I reply coldly. I don’t want to be in bad terms but I dont know how well both get space. Also I’m really dreading work now because I dont know how I should act around him…

Sorry about this. I’m just really hitting a rough patch on this.

June 28, 2014 at 3:55 am #59808

@Jasmine-3
Participant

Hi Sea Monkey

This is what I meant by not developing passive aggressive traits. I know this is hard on you and there is no denying that this will take time to resolve.

Do not reply coldly. Dont be afraid of going to work. Hey, you have not committed any crime here. Instead you should feel very proud of yourself that you have the decency to let this guy sort himself out. How many women are capable of such an act ?

Stand proud and act with pride. If someone judges you, let them do so but you pls dont judge yourself. If you are not kind to yourself, who will be then ? Take some time to show love to your inner child and adult. @lightsource, your insight will help sea monkey greatly.

Be YOU around him. If you cant be, then take this as a challenge to become more authentic YOU. Treat it like a life test in which you are going to come out a winner regardless.

Hang in there.

June 28, 2014 at 12:25 pm #59824

Big blue
Participant

Hi Sea Monkey,

I feel for your situation and am impressed with how you are handling it.

I agree with Jasmine that you will benefit greatly from personal development. Ready or not, here it comes! Might as well see it as lemonade rather than lemons.

Selfishly I may be in the guy’s situation in a sense. I’m trying to figure out a possible relationship and I am wondering if not stressing and instead taking time makes sense. I see her all the time and I admit I am not 100% myself. I think I have been passive aggressive. Would not saying hi qualify? At times I’ve been not my finest. After reading this, I see why I should be and I will take this as an opportunity to just be me around her. Then either way things turn out, I am me. At my best. This is powerful, thank you!

Sea, I am happy for you that you are smiling more. That is a good sign and it is a good feeling – yes?

Question: if he is talking with you sometimes, would it help to ask him how he is doing? How’s your job going? What’s new with you type stuff? I ask because that is probably what you do with others, and it might get you to a less awkward place. Let me know what you think.

People try to do their best and sometimes face difficult challenges like you have now. Please see it as a time to accept yourself and to grow.

Big blue

June 28, 2014 at 6:31 pm #59831

Anonymous
Inactive

@Jasmine-3

Thanks for getting back to me! I understand the passive aggressive thing more now. I will. Right now though, I’m still prone to attaching myself to him whenever we talk. So I’m trying to avoid contact. Not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. We stopped going out after I told him I can’t be friends with him especially when I still feel like we could end up together. I didn’t want to lie. Still trying to gauge the right amount of “caring”…enough to show I still love him but at the same time show that I’m trying to move on. Pretty hard. Sometimes I think maybe I’m a little “selfish” for wanting to be more than friends to give that kind of love, or to give love at all. I really cant justify that bit. Feel guilty about it all the time and he actually called me out on that one. but you’re right. Me time, first and foremost. HAHA.

your inputs really helping me out here. Thank you so much 🙂

June 28, 2014 at 6:47 pm #59833

Anonymous
Inactive

@talkingwithtinybuddah / Big Blue

Taking your time is never a bad thing!!! We’ve got all the time in the world. I feel it’s better to take a walk in the park than run past everything only to find out you’ve missed a lot.

Honestly, you shouldn’t be afraid to be yourself. Don’t ever lose yourself in any relationship. I feel that’s what happened to us. He was so busy trying to prove himself to me, he actually forgot who was now. It’s better to be honest in the long run. Not being you will only hurt you both. You’ll feel lost and she’ll feel like the entire thing was a lie. I honestly wished we could have done that with each other. Like communicate better, allow ourselves to tell each other if we feel lost or caged. But its done. You still have a chance to make it work so go for it. 🙂

Also, dont be afraid of not being at your best. I think growing together and seeing how one becomes better is a true bonding experience. its what we should aim for in any relationship 😀

Hope I made sense and that I got it right.

These articles help:
http://www.tressugar.com/Can-You-Find-Yourself-Committed-Relationship-3482704
http://umiji.org/more-of-umis-words/544-relationship-while-finding-yourself
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201204/are-you-more-likely-lose-yourself-or-find-yourself-in-relationship

As for the question, I think it’d help me feel less sad. As much as possible, I want to keep him in my life (whatever he wants to be) but I find myself feeling bad afterwards cause I still miss “being with him” and it reminds me of how we’ve fallen apart, how I used to know everything and now I don’t have a clue. Personally feel I should just take the time off first and maybe when I’m emotionally ready I could be friends with him.

My plan of action is to be friendly but a little distant til I’ve moved on completely.

Also! Thank you for the kind words!

June 28, 2014 at 9:15 pm #59836

@Jasmine-3
Participant

You are right. Focus is YOU so do what makes you happy in a dignified way 🙂

Best wishes

J

June 29, 2014 at 8:28 am #59850

Kecia
Participant

Hello Sea Monkey! I joined this site just now because I am experiencing the exact same situation as you and I am struggling on how to deal. I understand the concept of doing me while he figures things out. The problem I have I feel I have done all the necessary work on myself after a previous relationship where I had a hard time getting over the relationship. In this relationship I feel like I am left just waiting while he goes through his process and I’m in limbo. We also work together and I struggle with ways of communicating without bringing up our relationship. It all seems very fake to me and I try to live an authentic life. I don’t hate him. I love him. But this let’s be friends stuff and forgetting about and not talking about the things we could talk about just days ago boggles my mind. I am struggling with giving him what he needs and staying true to me. My thoughts are just to drop the charade and pick myself up and move on the best I know how but I don’t want to confuse our situation further. Does anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how to deal with this?

June 29, 2014 at 5:43 pm #59878

Michael
Participant

Unfortunately I am in a similar scenario, and I’m writing this as I try to hold it together after rereading her last text messages to me for the hundredth time… I thought things were going very well, we had just flown down to meet her parents for the first time when she ended the 3 year relationship by text…saying her feelings had changed. I’m devastated, but like you I work in the same company as she does. When I saw her for the first time in weeks she didn’t even say hello…I want her to be happy, I know all too well life is not a fairly tale, but how do I act when I see her at work? Do I say hello? She has chosen not to respond to me last few text messages and emails, so I stopped sending them. She knows how I feel, and she has been brutally honest with her assessment of a future for us. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

June 29, 2014 at 7:40 pm #59882

Big blue
Participant

Hi Sea,

Thank you very much for your reply and the suggested readings, which I just went through. Very thoughtful of you to share.

Kecia and Michael, I hope you can focus on yourself and move ahead soon as Jasmine says.

Reading about breakups at work … It’s awkward no matter what, but the idea of just being yourself is the right goal.

It’s hard though like to be the Vulcan side when the human side is in pain. I figure Inky might like this reference. 🙂

Big blue

June 30, 2014 at 12:54 am #59919

Anonymous
Inactive

@Keciak723
I know how you feel! But you’d be surprised. Life is a neverending process of finding yourself. I also thought I was done figuring myself out but I surprised myself these past months. If anything, just go out and have fun. Don’t wait.

Also, I’m actually still trying to figure that out! We’re hanging out this week to try to set some boundaries and get some closure. I’m not sure how that’ll work out but Im guessing it’ll help. I put it out there already that we couldn’t be friends mostly cause we both haven’t moved on and it will only confuse us. I’m thinking of suggesting that we stay apart for awhile and just say hi to each other if ever. Then we could hang out when we’re both ready. I’m hoping that will turn out right. I know how it feels. Its scary right? You actually love them but you have to do things that show the opposite. Leave it to fate I guess. At least, thats what I’m gonna do. (Dont get me wrong I’m still prone to crying. Not as okay as I sound)

What’re your plans of action?

June 30, 2014 at 1:05 am #59920

Anonymous
Inactive

@quidproquo
Oh, dear! Any ideas on why she broke up with you? I’m not the best advice giver out there but if it were me, I’d try to act like it was nothing and be the better guy and say hi when she passes by. Even if she doesn’t you know? At least you werent the one snobbing. If you have to talk, do! But I guess don’t initiate it til you feel its safe. It sort of worked for me. I mean we’re still not together but it got him to stop avoiding me.

Maybe when she cools off try to ask her out just for closure. But try not to be desperate about it.

As for now, just keep smiling (even when you’re sad) and move forward. we’re all in this together with the “pretending we’re having fun til we’re actually having fun” charade. Also, you deserve someone better. Someone who can tell you straight without just texting. Breaking up through text shows a lot of character…or rather the lack of. Delete those messages. I did and even if I wished I didnt I kind of know it helped me get through this whole thing faster.

June 30, 2014 at 4:32 am #59924

Michael
Participant

Thank you SeaMonkey!
My initial thought were to keep it as simple and respectful as possible-just a smile and a Hello, but when she didn’t even acknowledge me I began to question if this is what she wanted from me as well. I literally have no idea why this happened, and how it happened so quickly-as I mentioned I met her parents in March when we flew down for a weekend and I thought it went very well. There was no fighting, no argument, just a sudden “feelings changed”.And since it was by text I never received any of the questions I had, many of which there probably is no answer to. Like many, she was also my best friend, so that compounds the loss.
I’ve now deleted her texts so I can’t reread them and look for hope, though she was brutally clear in her desire to end it.
Thank you again for listening to my rant!

February 4, 2016 at 12:30 am #94921
Thrownback
Participant
Well its almost 3am and after having a conversation with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 gears he tells me be needs time to find himself. This is not the first time he has said this. Only he says it and then quickly acts as though everything is OK by asking for a hug, but with a smirk. He cheated on me twice I took him back. And now he constantly is up and out of the house all day everyday. Says he hates living where we live and the people around us, but let me add he talks to and does favors for everyone he says he can’t stand. I’m pretty much simple and laid back. I don’t like where I live nor do I like the people either, but I just stay away from them. I don’t say hi and I don’t say but. I don’t associate myself with them . he has been very abuse in a verbal kind of way. Pointing out little flaws of mine mostly physical attributes. Picks fights and leaves. Then comes back like maybe 6 to 8 hours later. And not to be to personal but is always looking for sex right when he comes back. Like OK I did all my running and do your job please me. I already do everything he gets treated like a freaking king. You name it he gets it. And all I ask for is time. Not 10 minutes here and then go, or maybe a half hour. Then maybe most of the day, but then just when I’m happy and comfortable he finds something else he just absolutely needs to do. When I address him he just responds with I can go where ever I want to go do whatever I want. He says he doesn’t feel like it should be a problem if he wants to go somewhere he should just be able to go. Mind you I’m sick with several different illnesses and don’t do much as I’m limited, but he knew this when he met me. I to was in a 14 year abusive marriage and ate absolutely everything he did to me or said. I mean I was his wife I have four kids with him. This was my thinking. Then I just wanted to be free of the abuse. I did and ended up in this now 2 1/2 year relationship. My kids call him dad. Because he portrayed himself as someone else with the same interest as mine. And now he wants to leave me to find himself. I don’t know how to deal with this right now. I’m struggling with how someone can just walk away from a person who has giving every part of them to this person my love, my trust, my loyalty, introducing my kids and allowing them to get comfortable and now them having to adjust to bit having him here. The normal routine. Which in my opinion not so normal. I really thought if I just loved him enough. If I just accepted as much as I could it would work. I simply said how I felt and of course he twist everything to totally disregarding my feelings and making himself the victim. I know its better we split our ways because we just don’t live the same. But he always comes back.saying he has strong feelings for me. He even asked me if he could come back to visit with the kids here and there. I responded by telling him I would rather we didn’t speak after this. It would only make things harder on me, that I respected his first time honesty that its just really a shame he took me this far. You awaken my heart with no good intentions. I feel betrayed. Adn hurt even more for my kids. Because if this is gonna be a devastating loss to me and its hard for me to handle. How are they gonna deal? They are so young. I already have no trust for people anymore. No friends because of such betrayal using me only to they’re benifit being emotionally, financially, sexually. I’m just drained. I need some strength right now. I’m trying to be calm and just accept. After telling me this he still lays there in my bed and is comfortable enough tobfall asleep, and here I lay awake. What was I thinking. I just don’t understand I’m a powerhouse with or without a man. I pay for everything, I take full responsibility. I try to keep it light for him so he will be around more often, but why??? He breaks me down when he’s here and I drive myself crazy wondering what he is doing when he not here. Please any advice would be great at this point. Thank you so much in advance if you have read this whole longgg rant lol.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Thrownback.
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