Forum Replies Created
July 25, 2014 at 8:33 pm #61776
@dreamer: Please, DO NOT waste any more of your time on your ex. I really liked your first post, and I think you should stick to it. This guy really is not worth your time. I really feel sorry for his future wife or any women involving with him. Through what you wrote just now and earlier, he surely does not know how to love, or he only loves himself. Your past relationship obviously lacked respect, one of the core factors. You yourself felt that it was totally wrong, but I know, we women always tend to brusk more pinkness into the relationship and convince ourselves with false logics just to bend our decision into what we want. But seriously, close the chapter with your ex. Maybe he will change, maybe he will never do, and it’s not your responsibility to wait or to make him happy. Heck, I don’t think he will ever change or be able to realize what he missed. You’re a wonderful person, so find someone more worthy to give your precious love to 🙂July 22, 2014 at 7:19 am #61475
@ Susan: Dear Susan, please know that you are not alone in your pain. Everyone posting on this thread experienced/experiencing the same thing. I know how dark it feels. For me, I missed him like crazy, all the plans of marriage, even naming our kids, all, have gone to pieces. The scariest thing have come to me, living or leading my future life with ruined plans, and even worse, without him by my side. I don’t know much about your story and how long your break up happened, but if you think you still did not try all things, then try it all. Some people say that when your lover wants to end a relationship, the best thing is to let that person go as trying is useless and will only make you feel bad later. But I don’t think so. Just try everything, and after all, if it doesn’t work, then at least you have nothing to regret about it. It’s also the slap of reality that we need to pick ourselves up and give up on false hope. I personally think that we as human are living lives in different lines, it’s great that our lines and our exes’ crossed at some point, but once that crossing passes, we have to move on with our lines. When the pain is still fresh, I thought to myself that okay, he has already moved on, so if I ever want us to get back together, I has to move on too. He’s no longer standing at the crossing point, and if I keep lingering there, I will achieve nothing but sadness. Say to yourself that you have to move on, and maybe, who knows, at some points in the future, your paths will cross again. For now, even though the false hope of getting back is still there, I felt better by doing some things:
1) No contact. Remove the person from your life, as much as possible
2) Keep myself busy so I don’t have time to think unnecessary things
3) Make plans without my ex in it, such as attending a class, joining some clubs and associations, making more friends, travelling
4) Make a list of healing activities and do it one by one (I’m still researching about it and will post it here when I’m done with my list)
5) Share your pain. Like here, in Tiny Buddha. It helped a great load knowing that there are many others suffering from the same pain
The last few words, I know how impossibly hard it is to surrender, but you do not have to do it abruptly, it doesn’t work like an On/Off switch. Just do not think about it right now and do things instead to distract yourself from it. Let me know if it helps. If it doesn’t, we can look onto other things to try! 😀July 22, 2014 at 7:01 am #61473
@Michael: You are not the one struggling with it. I know it might be not 100% correct to say that the first weeks are the worst, and to me, the first weeks acted like a knife stabbing into my heart, the later weeks (even the current weeks) feel like the lasting aching pain it left. I know it’s hard, and I myself spent months clinging to the hope of getting back. But in every relationships, it takes 2 to work it out. If it’s just you doing the work, it’s not fair for you and for your love too. I know you must have been a great lover in the relationship, as you gave her everything you had. However, sad but true, doing your best doesn’t guarantee that you will get the same back. Things which some cherish and appreciate mean nothing to others, and it’s such a waste of love to be spent on someone who doesn’t care or want it. The love will always stay with you, but direct it into loving yourself first after this breakup. And then, from there, you will find someone who truly cherish your great love and give you back the love you want. I understand your pain, as I’m going through it right now. Many bad days and only very few good days, but I realize and believe that, the only way to go through this and possible future breakups (gosh, I don’t want those though :D) is learning to love yourself more, be a person who is happy no matter what with or without a partner. I’m trying it right now, by making a list of stuffs I want to, or at least want to try doing. Make your life busy and create new interests, try something new. I found it really effective, even though at the end of the days, after all, I felt empty, but that emptiness will lessen, I promise. About Facebook stalking your ex, I suggest you STOP IT RIGHT NOW. It will only drag you down. I know it because I did the same thing. I cut it off for 3 weeks, felt great, and checked his FB and went back to depression (even though he did almost nothing on FB). You have to remember, what she’s doing right now is NONE of your concern. She’s living her life, and you have no control over it anymore as you guys broke up. Trust me, just block her or unfollow her if you can. Life now is about YOU, not HER. Focusing on yourself instead and what you will do from now! Reading books, watching movies.. just try to do everything that you think might help regain yourself. For example, writing on this thread on Tiny Buddha really helped too 🙂July 20, 2014 at 7:10 am #61300
As I seem to cannot edit my first post, I posted a new one here instead 🙂 I want to keep this as a diary on my progress and to hear from people who are interested in the topic. Hope that can help some passerby too.
The after math and the pain: I do not want to whine too much about the pain after a breakup, as I’m more than sure that those who had deep and serious relationships ended how how hard it is. I cried myself to sleep so many nights that I could not remember, cried in the shower, even spend a few days just laying in bed and crying. The butterfly in the stomach of being in love turned to the gut wrenching pain of a broken soul. What’s worse than that, I’m approaching my nightmare of turning 30 and being considered as a hopeless leftover in my country’s culture. I had a cancelled engagement, broken future plans and non-stop flows of negative thinking…
Week 1-4: The worst weeks after a break up. Also the weeks that I committed many of the “DON’Ts” after breaking up: stalking on FB, desparately contacting in as many ways as possible, trying to find a way to get him back…. But the funny thing is, if I get to choose to undo and re-act things at that time, I will still do the same. I learned that it’s just natural to do so. They are even necessary steps for you to reach further post-breakup phases. Some DOs that I found helpful in my case during this time:
DO cry as much as you want. Tears exist for a reason. It will help lessen your pain, and it’s not your job to always be the strong one.
DO confide in your loved ones and close friends. They might scold you, but they love you no matter what. They will help you see that there are my others worthing your love instead of someone who chose to leave you.
DO spoil yourself for sometime, let your mind run free with What If, Why, or replay the time you had with your ex. It’s just natural to do so, and soon, your mind and body will get tired of the pain those memories bring and switch to something else. It’s also highly impossible to force your mind into NOT thinking about your ex, so let it be. It will stop for sure.
DO clear things out with your ex if you stil have questions unanswered. It’s a legit reason to contact them. It’s better to clear once and for all, than to let those unanswered questions keep you back from healing, or worse, give you reasons to reach out to your ex here and there.July 20, 2014 at 5:24 am #61288
@ Yohannes: Thank you for your sharing. I found the part of letting go and accepting the most difficult. I still have the false hope hiding at the back of my mind that maybe things will work out eventually, and I still struggle with it. I’m surely not healed yet, but I already started to see the positive sides of my breakup, and am trying to make it become a momentum for me to be the best version of myself, and to open up for love again 🙂
@ kromn08: I really wish that I can meet you in real life and give you a big hug! Whatever has to come, will come. Brace yourself, and believe that you will go through all this and be a more beautiful person 🙂 Many people have managed to do so. I also can relate to your story in many ways. I loved him very much and even though I can sense something wrong and things starting to collapse, I still had chosen to pretend that it was all alright. But thinking back, I can still remember the pain of pretense, when we laughed and be loving, but after that, I still saw tears coming out from my eyes non-stop. I’m not really sure how much it will take for me or for you to health completely, but I know time will do its job. I have read your story and even though I don’t know you in person, I believe you are a wonderful woman and will surely get the love you deserve 🙂 Let’s try together, and make this painful chapter become a nice experience that we can be proud of in our coming years. A big big hug for you!!!!! 😀July 16, 2014 at 6:33 am #61035
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me!! 😀 I had a hard time just thinking about the pain that you had to endure. But your ex really don’t deserve such a great woman like you 🙂 You will surely find a man who can love you truly 🙂 I feel very encouraged. I am still in the healing process, but I am sure that I will do just great 😉