Kristopher,

You are being quite hard on yourself, talking about whining and manning up. The things that you’ve been through have been painful and hurtful, so hurting is normal. You can try to run away from it, but it’ll be there until you acknowledge it and accept it.

It’s usually not just that one particular thing that has happened that brings the hurt. There’s a chance that it’s not really her that holds any special place in your heart, but she abandoned you without a warning, and that can trigger some major fears, including reviving all past fears of abandonment.

There’s a book called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing (which I recommend, it’s by Susan Anderson), which has some interesting thoughts about how a sudden break-up can all of a sudden be completely devastating, even if it hadn’t been a very important relationship. All the past hurts and fears that have been left unresolved all of a sudden come to the surface again, and the whole thing becomes a much bigger issue than it actually was. Smaller past traumas, all the way from childhood to present day, become one big bundle of dramas to be faced and resolved. After such experience, you can get stuck mentally, sort of in a state of fear, like in PTSD. There is nothing uncommon about that, so give yourself a break and don’t make things even more difficult by blaming yourself over getting stuck.

Do you do any self-nurturing? Men probably aren’t taught to do such things, which is a real shame. Be kind to yourself and to your heart. Instead of drowning yourself in the outside world and keeping busy, try to just be still for a while to find peace. You’ll have lots of thoughts popping into your head when you’re silent, but you’ll just need to allow those thoughts to come and go, to pass through your mind, without holding onto them. That is how you become the master of your own mind, yourself and your own life.

If possible, look for some local meditation groups, where there is a guide to assist you on how to approach and deal with silence and the thoughts that come to your mind. There are also some exercises in that book I mentioned.

Facing your fears isn’t easy and requires courage, but if you don’t face them, they’ll stay at the back of your mind, hampering your efforts in life.