Jess,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how paralyzing a blank canvas can become. Anything? Nothing? Good enough? Left? Right? Yeehaw. Anything could happen, good or bad, and we get distracted (often painfully) by the possibilities. And so our concentration disburses, whatever we were about to do, gone. Path appearing obscured. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The simple answer, don’t dwell. When we hit a block, its better to set it down awhile, step away, go do something else. Perhaps do some cleaning, help a neighbor, go exercise… try to do something active and nurturing to yourself or others. Then, as you’re out dancing your dance away from the canvas, if an idea pops in your head, pull out a napkin and jot it down. “Oh, maybe I could apply…” or “oh, I could check with…” or whatnot. An idea comes up (often inspired by auspicious coincidence), just make a note, keep going. When its time to be in front of the canvas again, pull out the notes, and pick the one you like the most. Even if it feels bleh, with fears and such, pick the best of what you have. Then, jump into one of them. Courage, girl! Follow that dream! Plant the seed! Charge! Heartfelt hopes have a way of blossoming when tended skillfully! Said differently, put some energy behind the seed, accepting that it might not grow… but hoping that will.

Finally, consider starting a metta meditation practice. As we cultivate metta, our mind becomes more stable, smooth, open. Much like a chef might eat before cooking, so her pallet isn’t influenced by her hunger, if we cultivate metta before trying to paint, job search, or whatnot, our discomfort at something new isn’t compounded as much by our daily stress. This let’s our attitude remain positive, seeing potential success alongside the potential failure. Balanced, stable. Some seeds grow, some seeds don’t. Conditions favorable sometimes, unfavorable sometimes, we do our best, pray for rain, etc. Our happiness, contentment, arises from the planting, trying, tilling.

Such as, who knows just how perfect this next job might be for you! Maybe the blankness of mind has been cropping up so you don’t do something hasty, from fear, anger, greed, entitlement, or whatnot, so you can find a path that really sings to you. Slow blossoming dreams are often the best. 🙂 Said differently, when we’re open, working to see our heartfelt dreams come true, its good to spend time growing more heartfelt, feeling the heart, before trying to make decisions. It makes it much easier to navigate, less mental noise clouding everything. 🙂 Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Namaste, dear sister, may heart set your path aglow.

With warmth,
Matt