Hi Zoey,

I’m actually very happy that I came across your post as I just experienced a very similar situation of my own a few months back. Let me give you my story first & provide you with a different perspective and insight.

I’m a soon-to-be 21 year old college student who happened to meet a very charming 24 year old around a time that I probably was better off staying off the market. I went to a school 2 1/2 hours away from home, but made the decision to transfer back home a few months before I met this wonderful guy. He lived about 30-45 minutes away from my school so we lived in different towns, but the distance was not too terrible as I had my car with me and could easily find ways to see him. And that was my problem…I made too much of an effort to see him by driving back and forth to his apartment from my school; he never once came to see me. He was aware that I would not be living around that area much longer, but I felt blinded by the emotions I was feeling towards him and ignored the fact that if we became serious, our relationship was inevitably going to be long distance and probably more stressful. I felt that I was more emotionally invested in him, and it appeared that I was because he told me before school ended that he didn’t want anything serious (even though he gave me mixed signals and the impression that he wanted the same thing as me). That week when I moved back home I felt heart broken, hung up on him and wondering if I made all the wrong moves in trying too hard to gain his affection. It too made me feel very insecure about myself, almost as if I wasn’t worth holding onto or keeping. I made it obvious that I cared deeply about him, but it just somehow never felt like we were on the same page. There were days where he was attentive and was interested in how I was doing, and other days he was so distant (emotionally and literally physically). But I have to tell you, the 3-4 months that we saw each other, I ALWAYS had a gut feeling that what we had was wrong. And I ignored it.

Have you ever heard the quote, “Never chase love, affection or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having”?

That’s basically the moral of both of our stories, and for many others out there who care & love just a little bit more than the other person. If someone wants to be with you, they will surely show you and they will make the effort and time to be with you. It is unfortunate that you met him around a time that he wouldn’t be around to foster any type of relationship with you, but you know what? It’s probably for the best. I think as humans we’re prone to following what our minds tell us and ignore what our heart is warning us. When a person starts to distance themselves from you, it’s usually a good indicator that they are losing interest or are just emotionally unavailable. But this does not make them a bad person (so long as they don’t lead you on or hurt you). And it also does not make you undesirable, either.

I completely empathize and understand how you are feeling. You probably feel vulnerable right now that you opened yourself up to the idea of seeing where things could go with him, and then he turns around and gives you the exact opposite of what you wanted. And now you are wondering where things went wrong, how you could have fixed it or if you should’ve just steered clear of him. You tried your best and that is all that matters in the long run. I also think that you are a very smart girl for taking the initiative to stop talking to him after you came to the realization that you were beginning to do all the chasing. Many people do not when to stop themselves from getting hurt and usually by then, it’s too late.

The biggest point that I want to make is that you are worthy of love, and affection. I have no doubt that you will find the right man willing to give you that. I think everything happens for a reason so I truly feel that what you experienced with this guy was a lesson. It teaches you to never go out of your way for someone who won’t do the same for you. I would advice to focus on loving yourself first (many people lack in this area, I being one of them). That’s usually where our biggest insecurities come from and affect our relationships with others. Only after you learn to love yourself, will you be able to love someone equally. It also helps us and teaches us about self-respect; knowing when to walk away from someone or something that isn’t going to help you grow as a person.

It will get better, as it always does but sitting around and constantly thinking about him will only make it worse. Find things you enjoy doing, read a book, hang out with friends, etc. You can vent about your situation with others as long as it doesn’t become an obsession. I believe that we are all entitled to a grieving period, but at some point we do need to accept that things no longer can be and then we move on.

You are a beautiful, intelligent woman who only deserves the best and you should never settle for less. It’s completely cliche, but it’s also so undeniably true. Demand for the respect and love that you deserve. Things get better.

I promise.

Much love!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Kelsi.