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Kelsi

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  • #343438
    Kelsi
    Participant

    Thank you all for taking the time to reach out. Your advice is incredibly appreciated.

    I reached out to my childhood best friend last weekend to see if we could talk and figure things out. She ignored me. We’re also in a group chat together on Snapchat with our other 3 good friends and she posted a picture with the 4 of them (I was excluded in the picture), with the caption “Miss all of you” knowing that I would see it.

    Now she is intentionally going out of her way to HURT ME. I have made the decision of going separate ways from her. I’m getting too old to deal with the immaturity and passive aggressiveness. If she isn’t willing to at least understand my side and see where I’m coming from, then the friendship doesn’t seem worth it to me anymore. I can’t be friends with someone when things are constantly one-sided and I’m guilted into things I don’t think I’m doing wrong. It just doesn’t feel right and it’s leaving me feeling defeated time and time again. The pain is becoming too much.

    I’m hurting but I also feel a weird sense of relief. Perhaps it’s letting me know I made the right decision, after all. I keep having dreams about her almost every night now which I acknowledge is probably part of the grieving process, but I’m ready to move on and focus on more positive things in my life.

    Thank you all for listening to my story and taking the time to help me. xoxo

    #122177
    Kelsi
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your advice, UnconditionalPeace. That truly brought me a lot of comfort during this tough time for me. I will take your advice and start shifting my mindset, look for time to volunteer, and read more (which I enjoy doing to begin with).

    #108669
    Kelsi
    Participant

    Katrina,

    I just recently went through an identical situation with my boyfriend of 9 months. The whole situation has turned into a complete mess now, but that’s besides the point.

    Do not take this the wrong way…but the age gap could be a part of the problem. You have just begun your 20’s–a time where young adults begin to figure out their aspirations and life goals. You may find yourself wanting independence and trying to figure yourself out. The man that you have been dating is already in a completely different phase of his life now; he’s already accomplished his 20’s and went through all of that. He’s going to want to settle down, meanwhile, you’re still trying to “live it up”, for a lack of a better word. That could definitely become a conflict in the relationship.

    I also know that sometimes when you break up with someone you love (like I did), you question if you did the right thing because you still love them and have feelings for them. Do not let this distract you from your decision to end things with him. You broke up with him because you did not feel the same way. Why get back and put him through more torture when you know it’s not mutual? I know oftentimes it can hurt ourselves when we hurt someone else, and breakups generally do cause one or two of the parties some emotional pain, but he will eventually move on from that pain when there is space between you with limited to no contact. If you felt in your heart that breaking up with him was the right thing to do, continue to follow that gut feeling because you will have other people/things try to persuade you otherwise.

    Good luck sweetie, I know you will do the right thing for your own happiness.

    #108668
    Kelsi
    Participant

    That is a good point Anita.

    I suppose sometimes it takes an outside source to really see the issue in a problem. Thank you for your help!

    #108631
    Kelsi
    Participant

    Anita,

    When he has called me names in the past, he was aware of how I felt about those certain names. Truthfully, I cannot recall whether he apologized for them or not. There are times when he apologizes for hurting my feelings, and other times he does not. I will admit that both him and I have screamed at each other a few times out of frustration but would usually make up afterwards. But the things he says to me sometimes can leave emotional bruises. It is something I should probably bring up to him.

    I gave him the upper hand now because I told him I wanted to get back with him to work on things and now I gave him the power to choose whether he wants to be with me or not anymore. This wasn’t my initial intention because this whole break up was strictly my decision, but it somehow ended up being the other way around now where he is dictating where this relationship goes. It’s almost like I’m the one that needs to fix things about myself if there’s ever a chance of us getting back together. I don’t want him to sound like a complete bad guy, he really does have a good heart, but I also don’t want to justify his wrong doings either because he has hurt me in the past. I just don’t know whether this relationship is worth saving now.

    #64457
    Kelsi
    Participant

    Hi Eve,

    I completely empathize with you. There have been numerous occasions where I had no love or self-respect for myself and found it a difficult journey to try and pull myself up from that position of low self-worth. It’s a constant struggle, but let me tell you, when I can find ways to make myself feel whole again, it’s an indescribably wonderful feeling; I know that you can reach this level of self-love as well. We all go through dark times in life (whether it be sporadic, short-term, or long-term), and that is okay. It’s what we can take out of these dark times that shape our character.

    It seems to me that you are letting your past define you. Because your parents did not show interest or care in your emotions, you felt unworthy of their attention & love and therefore carried this with you into your adult life. No matter what your inner critic tells you, I’m here to tell you that you ARE in fact worthy of love. Your first obstacle and something that you need to acknowledge is this–you need to let go of your past. It’s nothing but a chapter in your book of life, and it’s over. You now have the capacity and room to start a new chapter and make a “new beginning”. How you overcome this obstacle is entirely up to you, but I know you have the strength to surpass it. To give you some guidance though, I would start with forgiveness. Forgive your parents, and forgive yourself.

    As for your significant other, I think it’s natural to let some of our insecurities spill over into the relationship. But we can’t make this a permanent thing. Having someone who is patient with you and understands that you are struggling with some inner conflict is definitely someone worth keeping, but even the most understanding and loving person can only take so much after awhile. I do not tell you this to discourage you, it’s just a fact that many couples go through. Your boyfriend should complement who you are, not try and make you whole. I ALWAYS ALWAYS encourage others to make themselves whole and not seek out this responsibility in someone else. My advice, and you can take it with a grain of salt or carefully consider it, is to be single. Loving yourself is a journey that must be completed on your own, otherwise it becomes a viscous cycle of looking for other partners to fill your voids (and believe me, it never ends well).

    Maybe right now you need to focus on a career. Or you need to go out there and socialize with new people. Don’t worry about the so-called-friends who couldn’t stand listening to your problems after awhile. Do they sound like genuine friends to you? Look for people in life that are only going to lift you higher and raise you up. Of course some of this must be done on your own because not everyone can carry your whole weight, metaphorically speaking. Surround yourself in an enriching environment with mindful and wonderful people who are going to bring out the best in you. Take up new hobbies and rediscover your strengths and passions. Start reading (read self-help books if it’ll repair some of your confidence and esteem), or write in a journal everyday and let your thoughts out. There are many creative outlets to expressing our emotions.

    You are not alone in this, and I’m sure if you found the right crowd, they would be more than willing to hear you vent and to get rid of some excess anger/frustration/sadness.

    Try your best to keep a positive attitude and remind yourself that you will get through this dark time and that things always get better. But keep in mind that you must take action in order for things to get better. I have faith in you and I know you will do quite well. You seem like a wonderful and thoughtful woman. You just need to believe in yourself more, but you’ll get there. Best of luck, dear!

    -Namaste

    #63969
    Kelsi
    Participant

    I think writing to her mother is a wonderful idea, honestly. You have nothing to lose by doing so. I’ve always felt strongly about expressing my gratitude to the people I love; you never know…they may be here one day and gone the next. It’s slightly pessimistic to view it that way but it conditions you to not take anyone for granted.

    Anyway, you have a great opportunity to write to her and I would take advantage of it. I think she’ll be extremely happy to hear from you and it shows that you are a mature and thoughtful being for wishing happiness and good health upon the family. There’s no need to address the breakup or the guilt you feel–deep down they know you mean well.

    You will feel a great weight lifted off of your chest once you do this, I can assure you. Unspoken words have a way of gnawing at us until we voice them. And then suddenly…we feel light again. We feel rejuvenated and refreshed. I say go for it!

    Best of luck 🙂

    #63920
    Kelsi
    Participant

    Trust your instincts, even if they don’t make sense to you at the time. Your unwillingness to commit to him and living together was not random, there was a reason for it and you listened to your heart–which is always always a good thing.

    There are some people we come across in life that make absolutely wonderful companions. They share your dreams, they build you up and they make you feel beautiful. I completely empathize and understand why it is so hard to let that go, because you fear you’ll never find someone like that again. Understand though that often times we search for people to fill our voids, rather than being content with someone who can complement us when we’re already whole. Make sure that you aren’t depending on him to make you feel complete; that is a journey that should be reached entirely on your own.

    Time apart from each other with minimal to no contact is the best for now. This makes you reevaluate your priorities, your wants/needs, etc. Time alone is time well spent–it helps you reflect without the influence of another person.

    Also, keep in mind that while it is essential and vital to work on any and ALL problems in a turbulent relationship, there are some obstacles that simply cannot be fixed and like you said “causing more damage than good”. Your goal is to always make progress with someone, not regress and take one step forward, two steps back.

    If you two are meant to be together, it will happen. Maybe not now but somewhere down the road. Until then, listen to those gut feelings you have and if any part of you feels hesitation in being with him (even a slight speck of doubt), trust it. Your heart is telling you what’s best for you.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Kelsi.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Kelsi.
    #63814
    Kelsi
    Participant

    It’s perfectly normal to linger on after a breakup, have your thoughts consumed by your ex and cling onto whatever last shred of hope there is. Is it healthy? No, I wouldn’t say so, particularly if it becomes an unhealthy obsession. But this is a part of grieving, and sometimes this process can take awhile. Embrace this pain (I know that sounds a little weird), but you have every right to feel the way that you do. A lot of times when we go through emotional pain, we do anything we can to avoid it and that doesn’t allow us to fully heal the proper way. Take all the time you need to get him out of your system; whether it be crying, eating chocolate, venting to friends. It seriously helps when we can understand and feel this pain but acknowledge that it’s only temporary. When we feel emotionally and mentally stable again, that is when we learn to let go.

    Start doing yoga or meditation. This fosters mindfulness and helps us become in tune with our soul and inner needs. You’ll find that the things you were stressing about over your ex are becoming more insignificant as time goes by. Or perhaps write in a journal each day and thoroughly explain the emotions you are going through…write it all down and don’t skip a detail! While spending time with these journal entries, consider writing what you are grateful for, or what made you happy/smile that day. This will shift your attention to a more positive outlook on things.

    In the end, time is your only solution to moving on. Trust the journey you are going through and the emotional pain you are going through, and you will come out of it as a more evolved person who grew through the pain rather than avoiding it.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Kelsi.
    #63479
    Kelsi
    Participant

    Well, then you answered my question. 🙂 Essentially what I was asking was if you guys ended on peaceful terms or if there was some tension between the two of you after the breakup. If he didn’t explain or elaborate to you in person why the relationship needed to end, then you might be finding yourself seeking some type of closure. Although you said he mentioned about the distance and that he felt pressured, maybe the reasons he DID give to you were not good enough.

    You also mention that you hated him–perhaps this is another indicator that you did not receive the closure you wanted and in return built up some repressed feelings? But if you are looking to find peace in your life now, then it is best that you let go of all the anger and frustration you felt towards him. It is only toxic to your soul. You are on the right path!

    I do wish you the very best towards this difficult but rewarding journey you are embarking on. Letting go of any remnants of your past can be difficult, but just keep focusing on you and achieving your goals and you will get there!

    #63393
    Kelsi
    Participant

    If you feel that a psychologist would help, there is no shame in looking for one and making appointments. I do agree that we become stronger and grow more as humans when we can overcome our adversities on our own, but there is never shame in seeking help from others if you get stuck.

    When we are with someone we love and adore and someone that makes us happy, we have natural chemicals released in the body such as dopamine and serotonin, along with others. It gives us this natural high and of course with any high we feel, it can become addicting and delicious. So maybe looking back onto his profile releases some of these chemicals you have been familiarized with when you were with him. And maybe in some ways, you don’t want that feeling to go away.

    Ultimately you are in control of your happiness and you have to realize this. Your friends and family are there to comfort you, but they can’t make your decisions for you. You are the only one who can decide whether this habit of yours is benefiting you or not (which you’ve made it clear that you do not wish to continue what you’ve been doing because you feel you are wasting your life). So now you need to find ways to overcome this, with or without help.

    Also, did you find closure with your ex when you two broke up? Because often times we obsess over finding answers and clarity when a relationship ends unexpectedly. Maybe what you need is closure? Just tossing some ideas out there.

    #63385
    Kelsi
    Participant

    Hi Popi,

    I use to have this problem with an ex of mine back in high school. I had a nasty habit of checking his Facebook profile, seeing if there were any statuses that might be hinted towards me, if he had a new girl in his life. I also texted him once and awhile “asking him questions”, or telling him I saw something that reminded me of him…anything to get a response from him. But it only went so far considering he had no interest in keeping the conversation going. It hurt. I had to accept that he was moving on.

    And it hurt even more when I saw his relationship status changed to “In a relationship with ‘so-and-so'” a few months after we broke up. I would check up on his Facebook probably more so when I became aware of this fact.

    It just wasn’t healthy for me. I suffered because of it, and I can empathize with you. But darling, I promise it gets better if you allow yourself to get over him. You can definitely control your thoughts and actions, it just takes practice. The mind is a powerful thing, and sometimes it can control us. But with patience and perseverance, we can control it and achieve ultimate mindfulness.

    When you find yourself typing his name up on the search bar, quickly stop yourself and pause. Take a deep breath and tell yourself “There is no benefit of me checking up on his Facebook profile,” log off of Facebook and find something else to keep your mind preoccupied. Write in a journal, go running (it’ll help you maintain your goal), do anything that can distract you. Make this a routine, and it will work wonders. But you have to WANT to do this, otherwise you get stuck in this vicious cycle of checking up on him and becoming more vulnerable in the process.

    He has moved on it seems, so why can’t you? Don’t you deserve every bit of happiness as well? Why do you have to suffer from this and he’s perfectly content without you?

    You will get through this. I’ve been through this and can assure you it gets better with time. Let go of that crippling habit each day and you will truly feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders.

    Much love!

    #63198
    Kelsi
    Participant

    Hi Cyd,

    I’ve been in your position on more than one occasion; I just recently dealt with having to let someone go (and still in the process) because they could not reciprocate mutual feelings & desires.

    These experiences have taught me to walk away. I feel that holding on to something so tightly can actually make you lose grip of it all together. If you are truly meant to be with someone, both individuals would make an effort to grow and learn together. You can certainly wait and see how everything turns out in the end, but by doing so you are also missing out on other opportunities (other women) right in front of you.

    If someone can not see your worth and value and all that you have to offer, that is about the time you should walk away. It’s okay to remain as friends with a platonic relationship as long as it doesn’t hurt you by remaining in contact with her, but if she does not wish to have an intimate or romantic relationship, respect her wishes.

    You deserve to be as happy as anyone else so go out there and keep looking!

    The only reason I say this is because in my past I was infatuated with this guy who just couldn’t see us together after awhile. I held onto hope, thinking maybe we could have another chance in the future. He ended up dating someone for 3 years after me, and within that 3 year span I was desperate for his affection and love again. I wanted to be with him so badly because I had this illusion that some day we would get together again. Expectations are not good to hold onto. Sometimes you need to be realistic.

    But who knows, maybe somewhere down the road she will change her mind about you and fate will bring you two together. But for now, focus on other things, getting to know other women, and just be content with yourself and life!

    #62894
    Kelsi
    Participant

    I am so truly sorry to hear this, Matt. It is certainly devastating to, after 15 years, discover your wife’s skeletons in the closet. And even more so, her not being honest and open about it. What’s a marriage if you can’t trust your significant other? What’s a marriage if there is no honest communication between the two? Your wife has made it clear that she wants to test the waters of a polygamous relationship, but how were you to know? When you wed a woman or man, you usually don’t have intentions of finding another partner to share your marriage with. It is typically kept monogamous, unless of course the both of you discuss that you wish to live a polygamous lifestyle. But even then that is something that is decided WAY before you tie the knot.

    I know you shared your life with this woman for a long time, but my personal opinion and something I think would be best for you is to file divorce. She is not taking into consideration how you feel on the matter. She doesn’t seem to show remorse that she’s willing to put another man into the picture, even if you feel uncomfortable with it. Not only would this affect you in many negative ways, this would also have a tremendous affect on your children. They would have to become accustomed to two men in the household now. The fact that she put you in such a bad light and made you seem like an “abusive, hateful, mean husband” shows more of her character, than anything. A wife/husband should never slander their spouse. I would take that into consideration while trying to find a solution to this problem.

    You are entitled to have a say in this, and to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. You are a part of this marriage just as much as she is and you also have the choice to end it or not. You’re human with raw emotions, and you deserve to be loved fairly. I have old-fashioned beliefs and truly do not find polygamous relationships worth-while, but I don’t judge those who live that way. You seem like a man who feels the same way I do, so if your wife can’t give you a monogamous relationship (like you expected right from the beginning), find the strength and courage to find someone else who will (after much needed time of healing and reflection, of course).

    At the end of the day, you are in control of your life and happiness. I’m not saying you absolutely have to leave your wife, because if you feel you can find ways to compromise with her and fix this situation, by all means do it! But I want you to be fully aware that your happiness is a priority and should never be taken advantage of by someone else. You will get through this no matter what. And it helps when you have children you love deeply; they get you through the day. Just breathe and remember there are options..this could be the end of something but the beginning of something more beautiful. It all depends on how you look at it.

    Much love!

    #62509
    Kelsi
    Participant

    Hi Zoey,

    I’m actually very happy that I came across your post as I just experienced a very similar situation of my own a few months back. Let me give you my story first & provide you with a different perspective and insight.

    I’m a soon-to-be 21 year old college student who happened to meet a very charming 24 year old around a time that I probably was better off staying off the market. I went to a school 2 1/2 hours away from home, but made the decision to transfer back home a few months before I met this wonderful guy. He lived about 30-45 minutes away from my school so we lived in different towns, but the distance was not too terrible as I had my car with me and could easily find ways to see him. And that was my problem…I made too much of an effort to see him by driving back and forth to his apartment from my school; he never once came to see me. He was aware that I would not be living around that area much longer, but I felt blinded by the emotions I was feeling towards him and ignored the fact that if we became serious, our relationship was inevitably going to be long distance and probably more stressful. I felt that I was more emotionally invested in him, and it appeared that I was because he told me before school ended that he didn’t want anything serious (even though he gave me mixed signals and the impression that he wanted the same thing as me). That week when I moved back home I felt heart broken, hung up on him and wondering if I made all the wrong moves in trying too hard to gain his affection. It too made me feel very insecure about myself, almost as if I wasn’t worth holding onto or keeping. I made it obvious that I cared deeply about him, but it just somehow never felt like we were on the same page. There were days where he was attentive and was interested in how I was doing, and other days he was so distant (emotionally and literally physically). But I have to tell you, the 3-4 months that we saw each other, I ALWAYS had a gut feeling that what we had was wrong. And I ignored it.

    Have you ever heard the quote, “Never chase love, affection or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having”?

    That’s basically the moral of both of our stories, and for many others out there who care & love just a little bit more than the other person. If someone wants to be with you, they will surely show you and they will make the effort and time to be with you. It is unfortunate that you met him around a time that he wouldn’t be around to foster any type of relationship with you, but you know what? It’s probably for the best. I think as humans we’re prone to following what our minds tell us and ignore what our heart is warning us. When a person starts to distance themselves from you, it’s usually a good indicator that they are losing interest or are just emotionally unavailable. But this does not make them a bad person (so long as they don’t lead you on or hurt you). And it also does not make you undesirable, either.

    I completely empathize and understand how you are feeling. You probably feel vulnerable right now that you opened yourself up to the idea of seeing where things could go with him, and then he turns around and gives you the exact opposite of what you wanted. And now you are wondering where things went wrong, how you could have fixed it or if you should’ve just steered clear of him. You tried your best and that is all that matters in the long run. I also think that you are a very smart girl for taking the initiative to stop talking to him after you came to the realization that you were beginning to do all the chasing. Many people do not when to stop themselves from getting hurt and usually by then, it’s too late.

    The biggest point that I want to make is that you are worthy of love, and affection. I have no doubt that you will find the right man willing to give you that. I think everything happens for a reason so I truly feel that what you experienced with this guy was a lesson. It teaches you to never go out of your way for someone who won’t do the same for you. I would advice to focus on loving yourself first (many people lack in this area, I being one of them). That’s usually where our biggest insecurities come from and affect our relationships with others. Only after you learn to love yourself, will you be able to love someone equally. It also helps us and teaches us about self-respect; knowing when to walk away from someone or something that isn’t going to help you grow as a person.

    It will get better, as it always does but sitting around and constantly thinking about him will only make it worse. Find things you enjoy doing, read a book, hang out with friends, etc. You can vent about your situation with others as long as it doesn’t become an obsession. I believe that we are all entitled to a grieving period, but at some point we do need to accept that things no longer can be and then we move on.

    You are a beautiful, intelligent woman who only deserves the best and you should never settle for less. It’s completely cliche, but it’s also so undeniably true. Demand for the respect and love that you deserve. Things get better.

    I promise.

    Much love!

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Kelsi.
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