Home→Forums→Relationships→Not sure how to function anymore??
- This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by Big blue.
August 7, 2014 at 8:01 pm #62859
So My kids were telling me about the fun they had at the go-kart track while I was at work the other night, when my youngest 6 said moms boyfriend was there….. Wow… I thought it was a joke she was suppose to meet her sister there to check up on her while my wifes parents were out of town. So i question my Wife about who all was there and she said That her “Friend” from school was there with them. No big deal i just thought i should have been told about it and it wasn’t kept from me. My kid was going through the laptop and looking at the photo stream and i notice some erotic pictures of my wife. I then Noticed there is another login for facebook, i type it in using old password of hers. Wow chats and messages from numerous guys that she is telling i am abusive to her and she want out our Marriage. This is a shock to me we have been Married for 15 year this coming February sending pictures and having a good old time. I question her on she says its just talk and a way to release stress. I asked if she had felt i have ever been abusive towards her in anyway , the thought of that just kills me. She says i am rough sometimes when I thought I was being playfully. I told her I was hurt and the secrets are what was hurting so bad. We talked cried and made up. the next day she fell asleep early and i was cuddling with her when her bra beeped, her ipod was in her bra and she had just recieved a text from one of the guys. I go back through the texts and right after we had made up she snuck away to the bathroom and was texting with this guy saying shit hit the fan and that I had found out. I was a jackass that she has been un-happy with for the last 15 years. Devestated i read through these and i wake my wife, I thought there were no more secrets…. Its just talk she said I asked her if she wanted me to leave she said no that she loves me but she is telling these others another story. It hurts so bad and i love her so much we talked she said she has some issues she has been trying to share with me but didn’t know if she could. I told here that unless it was out in the open we would have now way of dealing with it. She finally typed me a note stating that for all her life she has wanted to be with 2 guys and to raise a family with the love and support of 2 guys in her life. Having been raised in a conservative home this is all a shock and new for me. I am so in love with her and grow more in love with her everyday but it hurts to feel that she need someone else, i have given her my all and she says she is not complete, She says she want to try this poly lifestyle with or without me but perfers that i join her in it. She says its not about the sex only about feeling love by more than one person. I love her so much she is the mother of my 3 children but i don’t want to hurt my children with this news, kids can be so cruel. Our parents will not accept something like this and most of the general public. Not sure if i am ready for this step and now when i am at work and away from the family I can hardly breathe, get so depressed and just want to end it so that she can move on and be happy with out being an anchor weighing her down. When i get home from work I am ok when they are all right there but cant handle it away from them thoughts start racing and I can’t hardley do anything. If i am off for the weekend by sunday i am getting nervous and don’t want to go back to work beacause i don’t want to feel the way i doo when i am gone, when i am home i don’t want to sleep because i am afraid i will miss something. I have to work, I am the only one working in the house,and if i don’t go in we won’t be able to make it but it is so hard away from the house.So scarred that i can’t keep the bad thought out and i might do something stupid, My kids are the only reason I havn’t done something yet because I don’t want them to think its their fault. I Love my wife and my family so much just not sure if i could add someone else to the mix i get jealous just thinking about it. Anyone have any advise or can help me with the feelings I have?? I need to breathe again when I am not at home what can I do??August 7, 2014 at 8:42 pm #62862ScuttleParticipant
Holy crap. Sorry I’m starting with that statement, but that is an intense story. I’m sorry to hear that you are going through something like this. I have never experienced anything to this extent, but I know how it feels being in a false world with someone you’ve been with for a long time. It must be extremely devastating to find things out the way you did. It sounds like she is taking things way too far by what she’s telling these guys. I don’t approve of talking to other men/women in a sexual manner if you’re in a committed relationship what-so-ever. If someone is going on a whole different level to say that you are doing things that you aren’t doing, that’s even worse. What she’s saying could get you in a lot of trouble if she tells the wrong person. What if one of these guys decides he should inform law enforcement if she’s taking it to that big of extremes? That’s extremely unfair to you and your family. It’s clear that your wife is in need of some serious mental realignment or counseling. Telling such elaborate lies is a problem on top of being verbally unfaithful. You absolutely cannot have her doing that. If you are not being abusive, you need to at least get her to stop that because it could get you in SO much trouble. Fifteen years is a long time to be with someone. I understand that relationships may get stagnant at points, but being married is about being there for better or for worse. If there are issues, they must be discussed. If there is boredom, it’s time to change up the routine. If you are not comfortable with bringing in a third party into your relationship, you do not have to. You are a person too, and you have feelings. I’m not trying to be mean, but she’s being extremely selfish while you are in so much pain. I would have a serious talk with her. I know you said you have spoken with her about this already, but I would speak about it again. Tell her you are not comfortable with this idea. Ask her if there’s anything that can be done to get her to stop what she’s doing. It’s painful, but you may have reassess where your marriage is and if it’s worth going through all this deception if she doesn’t plan to stop. She has the love from you and your children, why does she need it from another man as well? Gosh. I wish I could shake her. She’s a grown woman. Self will run riot!
Please remember to breathe, every single day. This is very hard to deal with, but there are so many others who have felt the way you have. You are never alone. If all else fails, do think of your children. Know that you are an amazing person and this is not your fault. Sometimes people suffer from excess greed and you may have nothing to do with it. Do not do anything you don’t want to to, but don’t keep letting her persist with these actions as long as you both are still together. Try to meditate. It may be hard, but focus on your breathing. Try to find one good thing out of your day, even if it’s the fact that you are breathing. Follow YOUR heart.August 7, 2014 at 9:19 pm #62863
Thanks for replying, I do love her so much and feel blind sided by the whole ordeal, I grew up in a single parent home and don’t want our children to go through that. We have been talking She knows now that she needs to be more open but these feelings I have when I am not right there to monitor her or to hold her are making me crazy, I can’t function anymore. The most important thing in my life has always been my family and I feel I can’t function and be there for them when I am this depressed when I am away from them. It’s almost an ultimatum either i do this with her or she is going to do it without me, but she has also stated she might not like it it may be just a fantasy. I am in a whirlwind don’t know which way is up or down. I did talk to her Parents about what is going on we tried to have an intervention, but her parents basically told her that what she is doing is wrong and she is so upset with me for involving them in this, but i don”t know what to do, I didn’t know if it was just a hormonal thing or a mid-life crisis or what is going on. Both her parents and I agree that something inside Sara has changed recently but she thinks she has to try this to see if she will feel complete. I hurts me so much to know she doesn’t feel complete makes me feel like I have not done my job as a husband. So scared she is going to just take the kids and run while I am at work. I don’t think she realizes all the risk of the relationship that she wants has. People talk and the kids would get the brunt of it. I know the world is more open to different lifestyles than it was years ago but still think poly-marriages are taboo to most of the world. Also every fiber in my being says that this is the wrong step for our marriage but don’t know what to do to make her see that. I am trying to show her all the love and support I can but I feel so drained emotionally and physically I can’t seem to function any more, like I said while I am away it is so much worse. The past is the past and I want to move toward the future and let the past go, but just cant stop the pain of what I am feeling.So scared and confused right now.August 8, 2014 at 9:04 am #62877InkyParticipant
Well, as long as you involved her family why not go all in? Meet the guy and tell him to move on, that you won’t allow it. Find out who his family is and tell THEM. She wants to pretend she’s a male king in an ancient world with concubines? Hello, she is a woman living in modern society. There will be fall out. She’ll be upset? “Hello, Sweetheart,” you tell her, “you want a poly relationship, you have to earn it.” Everyone knows. And everyone doesn’t approve. Tell her you will stay married to her until the kids leave for college. That if she ever wants a divorce in that time, she has to earn that too. “But, Honey, given your lifestyle, the judge would grant me custody. Think hard. Think very hard.”August 8, 2014 at 10:46 am #62883WillParticipant
I’m pretty sure that under the law you can divorce a man you don’t want to be married to. You don’t have to earn that. Not anymore.
But that aside.
Matt, your wife is acting like a jerk. “It’s just talk”? No, that makes no sense. She wants out of her marriage. That’s what she’s telling this guy, that’s what she’s telling herself, she just can’t bear to tell you. Yet.
Sorry to give you bad news, but from what you’ve said, I just can’t imagine this marriage working out. At all. Never mind if poly marriages are taboo – it’s not what you want. And poly relationships work only if all members can count on each other to be truthful and each of the members are devoted to making it work. This is not going to work. If she doesn’t have a change of heart dead quick and starts working on gaining your trust back, I don’t think there’s any way out of this but filing for divorce.
There’s worse things than growing up in a single-parent marriage. And maybe you can find someone new in time to be a mother to your kids.
This is tough, man. I hope you have people you can talk to while you go through this. Know that things won’t always hurt this bad. Keep moving. All my best wishes.August 8, 2014 at 12:15 pm #62891InkyParticipant
By “Earn” I mean she has to do the work (whether being a for real poly person ~ not hiding it from parents, say. or getting a divorce) and not live in a fantasy world.
But for sure Matt should stay so his kids don’t find themselves in a “strange” household, or he should get sole custody.August 8, 2014 at 2:08 pm #62894KelsiParticipant
I am so truly sorry to hear this, Matt. It is certainly devastating to, after 15 years, discover your wife’s skeletons in the closet. And even more so, her not being honest and open about it. What’s a marriage if you can’t trust your significant other? What’s a marriage if there is no honest communication between the two? Your wife has made it clear that she wants to test the waters of a polygamous relationship, but how were you to know? When you wed a woman or man, you usually don’t have intentions of finding another partner to share your marriage with. It is typically kept monogamous, unless of course the both of you discuss that you wish to live a polygamous lifestyle. But even then that is something that is decided WAY before you tie the knot.
I know you shared your life with this woman for a long time, but my personal opinion and something I think would be best for you is to file divorce. She is not taking into consideration how you feel on the matter. She doesn’t seem to show remorse that she’s willing to put another man into the picture, even if you feel uncomfortable with it. Not only would this affect you in many negative ways, this would also have a tremendous affect on your children. They would have to become accustomed to two men in the household now. The fact that she put you in such a bad light and made you seem like an “abusive, hateful, mean husband” shows more of her character, than anything. A wife/husband should never slander their spouse. I would take that into consideration while trying to find a solution to this problem.
You are entitled to have a say in this, and to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. You are a part of this marriage just as much as she is and you also have the choice to end it or not. You’re human with raw emotions, and you deserve to be loved fairly. I have old-fashioned beliefs and truly do not find polygamous relationships worth-while, but I don’t judge those who live that way. You seem like a man who feels the same way I do, so if your wife can’t give you a monogamous relationship (like you expected right from the beginning), find the strength and courage to find someone else who will (after much needed time of healing and reflection, of course).
At the end of the day, you are in control of your life and happiness. I’m not saying you absolutely have to leave your wife, because if you feel you can find ways to compromise with her and fix this situation, by all means do it! But I want you to be fully aware that your happiness is a priority and should never be taken advantage of by someone else. You will get through this no matter what. And it helps when you have children you love deeply; they get you through the day. Just breathe and remember there are options..this could be the end of something but the beginning of something more beautiful. It all depends on how you look at it.
Much love!August 8, 2014 at 3:53 pm #62895Big blueParticipant
While this really aweful news will understandably put you back on your heels, I agree with the advice above – to be assertive now. She’s your wife, it’s your marriage, family and all. However, resist getting out of hand emotionally which could happen.
Here’s to everything getting better for you!
August 8, 2014 at 4:47 pm #62900
- This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Big blue.
We are talking more and more each day! Which Helps tremendously she is letting me read her texts and chats now but it still hurts tremendously. She is not putting me down anymore in the text that she lets me read. So I am willing to work with her because I just want her to be Happy. She and the kids are the best part of me without them i am Nothing. I have become clingy i don’t want to go to work or sleep because i am afraid i will miss something. When I am alone I can’t get these thoughts out of my head that she would be better off if I was dead, I just couldn’t do that to my kids but i am not being a pillar for them with me this way i am a mess, cry uncontrollably at times just don’t understand why my love is not enough when it is my whole life and soul. She says she wants this to work, and she may not like the lifestyle but she wants to live it and try it. Still overwhelmed and confused, i just want my old Wife back. My oldest just turned 13 last month so I am not sure if this was a trigger or what but I hope she realizes what she is doing before the damage is irreversible. The alone at work time is whats killing me the most I hate feeling alone and wanting to end the pain.August 8, 2014 at 4:53 pm #62901
We are talking more and more each day! Which Helps tremendously she is letting me read her texts and chats now but it still hurts tremendously. She is not putting me down anymore in the text that she lets me read. So I am willing to work with her because I just want her to be Happy. She and the kids are the best part of me without them i am Nothing. I have become clingy i don’t want to go to work or sleep because i am afraid i will miss something. When i am alone i can’t get these thoughts out of my head that she would be better off if I was dead, I just couldn’t do that to my kids but I am not being a pillar for them with me this way I am a mess, cry uncontrollably at times just don’t understand why my love is not enough when it is my whole life and soul. She says she wants this to work, and she may not like the lifestyle but she wants to live it and try it. Still overwhelmed and confused, I just want my old Wife back. My oldest just turned 13 last month so I am not sure if this was a trigger or what but I hope she realizes what she is doing before the damage is irreversible. My Family is my everything and this hurts so bad.August 8, 2014 at 7:38 pm #62911Big blueParticipant
I went through a surprising and painful end to my long marriage, so I feel for what you are going through. It can be very difficult, so I am going to give you some guidelines. Communication with your wife is key. Show her you love her, don’t just tell her.
– Tell yourself the truth which is that you are worthwhile as Matt no matter what is happening in the world around you.
– Acknowledge that life includes pain and tough times – this is a major one for you. You are not alone, trouble happens to good people like you and your wife every day.
– Talk in detail with a counselor and one or two close friends. It’s better than talking about this with many people in your life.
– Pay close attention to your wife, but dial it back if you are being clingy.
– Keep up your self care – eating, sleeping, exercising….
– Keep your kids out of this if you can, even though they know some things already.
– No one will be better off with you dead, so if this comes as more than a passing thought, call your counselor.
Others here can weigh in on these and other ideas from experience.
Hang in there!