- This topic has 9 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.
June 30, 2016 at 10:38 pm #108646
Hi there, my name is Katrina.
Yesterday i broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for about 7 months. He is 32 and I am 20.
I just couldnt feel a connection anymore and could feel my feelings for him fade away slowly. We are also such different personalities. I am the childish, funny, hyper person while he is the more grown up, negative, depressed type and I had the feeling he is holding me back.
I thought about it for weeks, months. We were planning to move in together. I just felt like its not right to pretend like i am having the same feelings for him like he does for me.
And i also didnt want to waste my and his time. Didnt want to build up a future and then tear it down one day when i am already not feeling the love anymore.
So we talked on the phone and I tried to explain to him that things just won´t work out and that i feel miserable. It just totally surprised him and of course he became very emotional and said now he has nobody anymore and that I was the love of his life. That we can work something out. He never wanted kids, but he said I was the first woman in his life he would actually have kids with. (That was a point we argued about every once in a while)
As I said, I broke up with him. He told me he doesnt want to and cant see my face anymore. I was very hurt. I still love him and the breakup was the hardest one i ever had to go through.
A couple hours later he called me and told me he was in the ER. His heart started going crazy and he fainted (he has heart issues).
That just made me feel even worse. Great. He´s in the hospital because of me.
He was a bit calmed down. Wouldn´t tell me where he´s at though. He begged me to come back and said he loved me and he wants to do anything in his power to make the relationship work. He wished I wouldve said something earlier. He asked if we could just have a break for a couple weeks and then maybe try and see eachother again. Maybe connecting again. Fall in love again.
After this phone call I have so many things going on in my head.
Was it the right decision to break up?
I mean he was the best man i ever had. He would walk through fire for me. He always took me out for food, buy me things, go to the movies with me. He never stopped doing all these things.
And the break up was very sudden. I bottled everything up instead of telling him how I feel.
The problem is that I dont want him to change his character for me. He is an awesome guy just the way he is. I just dont think he is a good fit for me.
I am just afraid to hurt him again in case we do have contact again and try to connect and I still havent changed my mind afterwards.
I dont want to do this to him again.
Right now we both decided to have some time alone. Maybe I will think clearer then.
I´m not asking for “advice”. I would just like to hear what you think. What you would and wouldn´t do. Maybe you have some tips for me.
Well thanks for reading and hopefully answering.
I would appreciate just talking to you, maybe one of you had to go through the same thing.
🙂July 1, 2016 at 12:07 am #108649Nina SakuraParticipant
Can you tell me a bit more about the following things:
1) How have your feelings towards him changed? I mean in a course of time – what diminished over time?
2) Are your basic values and goals in life similar? You are in your twenties, so lot of things must be in transition career wise, personal life and growth wise. You will change the most in the coming years. Do you think he will be able to identify with you then?
3) What would you advice someone in your situation?
4) Is love only enough for a relationship to last? What is your friends and family’s opinion about this guy?
NinaJuly 1, 2016 at 9:12 am #108669KelsiParticipant
I just recently went through an identical situation with my boyfriend of 9 months. The whole situation has turned into a complete mess now, but that’s besides the point.
Do not take this the wrong way…but the age gap could be a part of the problem. You have just begun your 20’s–a time where young adults begin to figure out their aspirations and life goals. You may find yourself wanting independence and trying to figure yourself out. The man that you have been dating is already in a completely different phase of his life now; he’s already accomplished his 20’s and went through all of that. He’s going to want to settle down, meanwhile, you’re still trying to “live it up”, for a lack of a better word. That could definitely become a conflict in the relationship.
I also know that sometimes when you break up with someone you love (like I did), you question if you did the right thing because you still love them and have feelings for them. Do not let this distract you from your decision to end things with him. You broke up with him because you did not feel the same way. Why get back and put him through more torture when you know it’s not mutual? I know oftentimes it can hurt ourselves when we hurt someone else, and breakups generally do cause one or two of the parties some emotional pain, but he will eventually move on from that pain when there is space between you with limited to no contact. If you felt in your heart that breaking up with him was the right thing to do, continue to follow that gut feeling because you will have other people/things try to persuade you otherwise.
Good luck sweetie, I know you will do the right thing for your own happiness.July 1, 2016 at 10:55 am #108676AnonymousGuest
You wrote that you are not asking for advice, only what (the reader) thinks: I don’t know how to tell you what I think without it being also advising. Well, I think that given his heart issues and him landing in the ER following you breaking up with him, if indeed he could have died as a result of the breakup, I think it is very important that you don’t break up with him again. The surest way to not break up with him again is to not get back together with him.
For his health, I would think that is the responsible thing for you to do.
And for your health, if I was you, I’d go live my life and enjoy being childish, funny and hyper, those things you mentioned about yourself.
anitaJuly 1, 2016 at 6:52 pm #108699
thanks for taking your time and reading my story.
1) I became more distant, wanted more alone time. I´ve always been a loner, but i could feel that i stopped caring if i was with him or not. I wasn´t excited to see him anymore. He would text me and it would take me an hour to reply because I was busy doing other things and not really caring about texting back. For example.
He also told me multiple times that he has the feeling that i became a lot more distant and he feels pushed away.
And in my opinion in a good relationship you are always happy to see your partner, don´t want to say goodbye.
2) Well kinda. As I mentioned he never wanted kids for example. That was a point where we kinda collided.
It just seems like he is ready to settle down with me. The age gap could be the issue.
While he is in his early 30s and straight edge (in case you don´t know: no drugs, no drinking, no smoking) I am about to wanting to go out, have fun, have a drink or two. Enjoy life. And I am not saying I want to force him to go out and drink with me. No. But he never cared about people. He´s a loner himself. He´d rather have dinner together with me. Which is nice. But I want more, you know?
I will never be one of those “party chicks”, but I am sure I will be wanting to have fun, meet people. I want a social life, that i unfortunately don´t really have. I moved last year and it´s kinda hard for me. But he´s just totally different. Doesn´t need friends.
3) To be honest, i really don´t know. It´s hard and there´s no right and wrong. Try to listen to your heart. But also think logical. Will it make sense to get back together? What would you miss? Why would you want him back?
4) That is the question i´ve been asking myself. I know love is very very strong. But it needs two partners to work. I know he loves me so so much. But I don´t think i feel the same. So I feel like I would be forcing myself to love him, you know what I mean? And one day I would end up having to hurt him again.
I still feel miserable. Of course I still have feelings for him. Theyre not just gone overnight. Just not the feelings i am supposed to have. Not the feelings he has for me.
They do like him, especially because they saw what he did for me
But they also saw the huge difference between his and my personality.
Said he is grumpy and in a bad mood very often.
But I haven´t told anybody about the breakup yet. Maybe I will hear more about theyre opinion.
-KatrinaJuly 1, 2016 at 7:00 pm #108700
thanks for sharing your story with me.
I am very sorry to hear that and hope you will figure something out and feel better soon!
No, you are absolutely right. He does act like my age most of the time, is in a band, is childish sometimes. But when it comes to the future he is ready to settle down. He also isnt interested in going out, meeting new people. He´d rather just spend time with me. But I don´t want that. Of course its nice every once in a while. But I want a social life outside my relationship. Since I moved I´m having trouble meeting people. I pretty much know family friends and my ex´s friends. That´s it.
And yes, I have been saying that to myself a lot lately. Love is strong, but only when it comes from both sides.
And as you said, I don´t want to go through that again and having to hurt him a second time.
I am a mostly logical thinker when it comes to relationships (even though i sometimes wish i wasnt.. lol), so I know that one day i will be at the same point again.
But thank you so much for your advice!
And good luck with the trouble you are going through! Sending hugs 🙂July 1, 2016 at 10:50 pm #108706Nina SakuraParticipant
Katrina, I think your reasons are very basic and you may have prevented more pain had both of you gone longer, deeper into the relationship. Basic differences in needs, lack of willingness to adjust And reduced sparks at such an early stage are all red flags. It’s important you focus on your personal growth at this point rather than constantly adjust and go through relationship drama.July 2, 2016 at 6:38 am #108718AnonymousGuest
I want to try again to reply to your thread without giving you advice, as you asked. Here is my new input:
You wrote: ” I am the childish, funny, hyper person while he is the more grown up”- the amazing thing that occurred to me just now is that all through your posts on this thread you display a type of maturity, “grown up”-ness that is rare not only for a 20 year old but for… well, any age.
You are so very thoughtful, so logical, balanced, responsible, clear- you responded so thoroughly to two of the people who replied to you. As far as the boyfriend, you held your (lack of) feelings in for a long time, not a good idea, but not something a child would do, not a childish thing, neither is you being so careful about hurting him before and after the separation- that is not childish.
On the other hand he did not at all behave “grown up”- he was the impulsive one, not wanting to see your face, then begging you, and so forth.
So your initial statement, you seeing yourself as childish, funny… not on this thread. Here you are very serious, mature, grown up and other-concerned.
anitaJuly 2, 2016 at 9:20 pm #108752
sorry for not replying to your answer, totally overlooked it 🙁
To your first reply: Yes I agree with you, and that´s another reason I am pretty sure now that I do NOT want to give it another try. I don´t feel like it is going to work out and as you said I don´t want to make him go through that again.
I really think its for the best for both of us, as hurtful as it may seem right now.
And to your second response: Thank you so much for saying this. It really made my day. 🙂
I know that I am pretty grown up for my age when it comes to making life decisions and just in general.
With being childish i meant being silly, playful, that kind of childish.
But as you said, I am VERY other-concerned and always put others feelings in the first place. That´s the reason I had such a hard time breaking up with him. Because i knew it would tear him apart.
But I also know that I have to put me in the first place. I know its the best.
Thank you for replying and giving me advice! And also making me feel better about myself.
-KatrinaJuly 4, 2016 at 5:18 pm #108825AnonymousGuest
I answered your post three times yesterday. Each time my post disappeared. For more than 24 hours the website was broken. So here is a forth version of my response from yesterday:
Thank you for your thoughtful reply to me. I am very impressed, again, by the mature and correct nature of your thinking and at 20- that is amazing to me.
Build on it- practice your thinking by learning about people’s motivations. For example your ex boyfriend’s motivation in telling you the ER story may have been to manipulate you through guilt to get back with him. If you were to continue a relationship with him, you could ask him questions, gently so to not elicit a defensive response, an untrue response, and listen. Learn and evaluate what kind of a relationship, if any, will be a Win for you.
Not relevant to this relationship as I agree, this one should remain in the past.