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Still confused after breaking up with my ex a year ago

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  • #63871
    Sarah
    Participant

    I wanted some advice on my situation as my head is melted by now and I’m still confused.

    My ex and I had been going out for 4 years when I moved to the UK (from Ireland) to study. The plan was that once he finished his course he’d move over and we’d find a place together but when the time came I couldn’t commit to it and we broke up. Im not sure why I couldn’t commit but at the time it didn’t feel quite right (a lame excuse when trying to explain it all to him). Since then he has wanted to get back together. we see each other every now and again and we have such a great time together – like nothing has happened and we’re going back out together. A few weeks ago we decided that we can’t do this anymore and its causing more damage than good and we’ve cut all contact.

    I am by nature an extremely indecisive person and i have agonized over this decision since we broke up, have i done the right thing? We had an amazing relationship and loved each other deeply, neither of us had ever felt that strongly about someone else and we were comfortable in each other’s company right from the start. I sometimes find it difficult to make good friends and when socialising i worry constantly about what to say or am I being boring. This has got so much worse since the break up and i can never see myself being that happy again with anyone else. He, on the other hand, is a very outgoing, warm person with the ability to charm anyone and i have always been slightly jealous of this and found that jealousy hard to deal with. He’s not perfect and is lacking in motivation and i would always be trying to spur him on to do more with his life. I was the optimistic one who wanted to do things and felt slightly held back by him. The ironic thing is that now he’s not here ive become very negative and don’t want to do all these things with anyone else. I feel stuck and can’t seem to make a final decision about it and its mentally draining.

    Sorry for the length of this post and thanks for taking the time to read it!

    #63920
    Kelsi
    Participant

    Trust your instincts, even if they don’t make sense to you at the time. Your unwillingness to commit to him and living together was not random, there was a reason for it and you listened to your heart–which is always always a good thing.

    There are some people we come across in life that make absolutely wonderful companions. They share your dreams, they build you up and they make you feel beautiful. I completely empathize and understand why it is so hard to let that go, because you fear you’ll never find someone like that again. Understand though that often times we search for people to fill our voids, rather than being content with someone who can complement us when we’re already whole. Make sure that you aren’t depending on him to make you feel complete; that is a journey that should be reached entirely on your own.

    Time apart from each other with minimal to no contact is the best for now. This makes you reevaluate your priorities, your wants/needs, etc. Time alone is time well spent–it helps you reflect without the influence of another person.

    Also, keep in mind that while it is essential and vital to work on any and ALL problems in a turbulent relationship, there are some obstacles that simply cannot be fixed and like you said “causing more damage than good”. Your goal is to always make progress with someone, not regress and take one step forward, two steps back.

    If you two are meant to be together, it will happen. Maybe not now but somewhere down the road. Until then, listen to those gut feelings you have and if any part of you feels hesitation in being with him (even a slight speck of doubt), trust it. Your heart is telling you what’s best for you.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Kelsi.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Kelsi.
    #63924
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Sarah,

    I understand what you are going through. I agree with you and Kelsi that you follow your gut instinct. There must have been enough wrong for you to back away. This could be you needing to sort things out, or him or both of you. Or, you’re just not meant to be together.

    I had one such situation and I gave it a go. I tried hard to make it work and after much trying and communication we broke up. I had another situation where my gut took over and led me away early on. Both were tough but in the end, I’m better off. A long-term success was my marraige of more than 20 years. My gut was in. Eventually she kicked my butt out – ouch – but hey I call 20+ years and two beautiful kids a win. 🙂

    Big blue

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Big blue.
    #63953
    Sarah
    Participant

    Thank you, and I know a lot of what you say is probably true and I think a bit of us breaking up was about me doing things for myself, becoming more confident and more secure in myself, without being dependent on anyone else. But it seems to have had the opposite effect: Ive become more insecure and even more self conscious than ever before and I feel tense and anxious more often now. I used to be very laid back and easy going but now I worry about where my life is going and what everyone thinks of me. I tend to feel a bit trapped in relationships but now I just feel lost

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