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Stuck and Confused

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  • #62430
    Zoey Mcandles
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

    My name is Zoey, I’m 23 and I’m a college student. I have just recently had the worst semester and summer of my life, in terms of being anxious and depressed. When I think about writing about why I’m depressed, I feel slightly silly because I feel that my reasons for being depressed are not as terrible as they seem. But here goes:
    Last semester I met a guy, someone who seemed just really kind and sweet and responsible, and basically everything a girl could want. At first, I thought we were just friends because we would talk about things very casually, and also I had a very large crush on him (and guys who I seem to like never like me back,) so I didn’t think much of talking with him. Near the end of the semester, however, he wanted to start hanging out between classes with me, and he finally asked me out on a date. I was a little shocked at first because I really didn’t think he liked me, but I agreed and I was really happy. We saw each other several times, but I think I was still a little taken off guard by the fact that he wanted to go out with me that I was a little hesitant towards him. I also knew that he was leaving to a different state for a year for school, and I wasn’t sure how we would work our relationship out, if he wanted a relationship. After only going on about 4 dates however, he started to become very distant all of a sudden, and whenever I asked him if he wanted to see each other he would just say he was extremely busy with trying to move, however, he seemed to have plenty of time to hang out with our mutual friends, who kept talking about him. It got to the point where I felt like I was chasing him, and I didn’t want to do that. I stopped talking to him, just like he stopped talking to me, and we haven’t had a conversation for about a month now. We didn’t necessarily end on a bad note, but I just don’t know why he stopped talking to me or wanting to see me so suddenly, and it has made me feel very insecure.
    This whole situation feels like something stupid out of high school or something, but it has had such a negative emotional impact on my life. I can’t go one day without thinking about him and wanting him to contact me. I constantly find myself thinking about how I might have done something wrong, and I feel terrible that he’s ignoring me. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t want to do many things, I stay home and basically just try not to think about him. I have never felt this unhappy before, and have never been this dramatic about guys before, and I don’t really know what to do. I just want to feel like myself again, and I’m not sure how to do that.
    Does anyone have any advice? Thanks so much. Sorry for the juvenile nature of this topic.
    -Zooey

    #62445
    Hope
    Participant

    Hi Zooey!

    This is not a silly or juvenile topic at all! And I can totally relate. It really sucks when your brain knows that you have to move on from something that is no longer working, but your heart isn’t getting the message.

    I have found myself in similar situations, where I feel like I have to let a person go, but just can’t stop thinking about them. And for a long time, too! The relationship you had with this guy, though it surprised you, made you feel really special and that’s fantastic! What you need to remember now that it has fizzled is that you are still special!

    As for getting him out of your mind, it will happen naturally, eventually. But in the meantime, be kind to yourself. When I have felt really stuck I sometimes give myself something to focus on throughout the day when I feel that negative gut-wrenching “ohmygodwhatdididowrongwhydoesn’thewantme” feeling. Something as simple as “I feel afraid but now I will choose love instead.” This ‘mantra’ helps me nip the negativity in the bud, before it really takes hold. After a while I realize that ‘some guy’ is not the one running my mind, and I can choose to stop my negative patterns of thinking if I am paying attention to them.

    This is just something that helps me find some emotional stability when I’m in a pickle. I still feel sadness and regret and romantic nostalgia, but it is a way that I can stop it from taking over my day, week, month….

    I’m not at all looking to plug somebody’s book, but I was first introduced to the idea of using mantras from Gabrielle Bernstein’s book May Cause Miracles.

    Zooey, you will feel better! Don’t be hard on yourself, you’re not acting juvenile. I’m sending lots of love to you!

    Love,
    Hope

    #62462
    Zoey Mcandles
    Participant

    Hope, you just said everything I needed to hear, thank you so much! I will definitely try to focus on mantras throughout my day from now on, and I will definitely check out that book! I am still getting that negative gut wrenching “ohmygodwhatdididowrongwhydoesn’thewantme” feeling quite often, but I am going to stay positive!
    Thank you so much for your reply!

    lots of love,
    Zooey

    #62509
    Kelsi
    Participant

    Hi Zoey,

    I’m actually very happy that I came across your post as I just experienced a very similar situation of my own a few months back. Let me give you my story first & provide you with a different perspective and insight.

    I’m a soon-to-be 21 year old college student who happened to meet a very charming 24 year old around a time that I probably was better off staying off the market. I went to a school 2 1/2 hours away from home, but made the decision to transfer back home a few months before I met this wonderful guy. He lived about 30-45 minutes away from my school so we lived in different towns, but the distance was not too terrible as I had my car with me and could easily find ways to see him. And that was my problem…I made too much of an effort to see him by driving back and forth to his apartment from my school; he never once came to see me. He was aware that I would not be living around that area much longer, but I felt blinded by the emotions I was feeling towards him and ignored the fact that if we became serious, our relationship was inevitably going to be long distance and probably more stressful. I felt that I was more emotionally invested in him, and it appeared that I was because he told me before school ended that he didn’t want anything serious (even though he gave me mixed signals and the impression that he wanted the same thing as me). That week when I moved back home I felt heart broken, hung up on him and wondering if I made all the wrong moves in trying too hard to gain his affection. It too made me feel very insecure about myself, almost as if I wasn’t worth holding onto or keeping. I made it obvious that I cared deeply about him, but it just somehow never felt like we were on the same page. There were days where he was attentive and was interested in how I was doing, and other days he was so distant (emotionally and literally physically). But I have to tell you, the 3-4 months that we saw each other, I ALWAYS had a gut feeling that what we had was wrong. And I ignored it.

    Have you ever heard the quote, “Never chase love, affection or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having”?

    That’s basically the moral of both of our stories, and for many others out there who care & love just a little bit more than the other person. If someone wants to be with you, they will surely show you and they will make the effort and time to be with you. It is unfortunate that you met him around a time that he wouldn’t be around to foster any type of relationship with you, but you know what? It’s probably for the best. I think as humans we’re prone to following what our minds tell us and ignore what our heart is warning us. When a person starts to distance themselves from you, it’s usually a good indicator that they are losing interest or are just emotionally unavailable. But this does not make them a bad person (so long as they don’t lead you on or hurt you). And it also does not make you undesirable, either.

    I completely empathize and understand how you are feeling. You probably feel vulnerable right now that you opened yourself up to the idea of seeing where things could go with him, and then he turns around and gives you the exact opposite of what you wanted. And now you are wondering where things went wrong, how you could have fixed it or if you should’ve just steered clear of him. You tried your best and that is all that matters in the long run. I also think that you are a very smart girl for taking the initiative to stop talking to him after you came to the realization that you were beginning to do all the chasing. Many people do not when to stop themselves from getting hurt and usually by then, it’s too late.

    The biggest point that I want to make is that you are worthy of love, and affection. I have no doubt that you will find the right man willing to give you that. I think everything happens for a reason so I truly feel that what you experienced with this guy was a lesson. It teaches you to never go out of your way for someone who won’t do the same for you. I would advice to focus on loving yourself first (many people lack in this area, I being one of them). That’s usually where our biggest insecurities come from and affect our relationships with others. Only after you learn to love yourself, will you be able to love someone equally. It also helps us and teaches us about self-respect; knowing when to walk away from someone or something that isn’t going to help you grow as a person.

    It will get better, as it always does but sitting around and constantly thinking about him will only make it worse. Find things you enjoy doing, read a book, hang out with friends, etc. You can vent about your situation with others as long as it doesn’t become an obsession. I believe that we are all entitled to a grieving period, but at some point we do need to accept that things no longer can be and then we move on.

    You are a beautiful, intelligent woman who only deserves the best and you should never settle for less. It’s completely cliche, but it’s also so undeniably true. Demand for the respect and love that you deserve. Things get better.

    I promise.

    Much love!

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Kelsi.
    #62560
    Zoey Mcandles
    Participant

    Hi Kelsi,
    Your story and kind words mean so much to me. I’m so sorry to hear that you went through an experience similar to mine, matters of the heart hurt more than it would seem. I absolutely love that quote, “Never chase love, affection or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having”. That I think for me was the hardest thing to realize about this whole situation, because there was a part of me hoping that if I kept trying to reach out, then there would be an equal response. Not talking to him is still hard, but I feel that if I do, it will make it just that much harder for me to move on. Some days I still panic and worry about never finding someone that I feel the same way as I did with this guy, but just like you said, one day we’ll find the right man! And I definitely think you are right in saying that I need to spend some time with myself, and remembering how to be me without this person, I genuinely want to find that place again, even if I’m not quite sure how to do that yet.
    I want you to know that you are also a beautiful, intelligent woman who also deserves someone who will love and respect her the way she deserves. Thank you so much for your response! It helps to know that I’m not alone in this matter.
    Lots of love!
    -Zoey

    #62565
    Alpal
    Participant

    Hello there Zoey:)
    First of all I would like to say that you are going through something that is VERY natural to go through when relationships dont work out so stop being so hard on yourself and saying that you are acting like a kid or obsessing over a guy. It is only natural to worry that there is something wrong with you and that is why he doesnt want you , and trust me when you gave up on him he probably felt the same way and wonders why you dont want him anymore. Sometimes relationships just don’t work out and some people just aren’t meant to be with eachother , imagine if some amazing man who was made for you is waiting out there somewhere in the world for you while you are just “settling” for someone else, you would loose your chance on something beautiful thats why some relationships work out and others don’t , its the ones that were meant to last that do! There is NOTHING at all “wrong” with you , and you probably did nothing to upset him or turn him off , but maybe he could be going through something and not want a relationship anymore, maybe he has issues with himself and doesn’t want to start anything until he fixes himself, or maybe he decided it wouldn’t work out if he was far away from you,there are endless possibilities which are more likely true other than something being wrong with you. As for thinking about him , slowly but surely you will start to forget him and Eventually he will be nothing but some funny memory you have of some guy you used to know, just try to keep your mind busy with people that DO make the time in their day to spend time with you and try to keep your confidence high and fall in love with yourself. Remember that before you can love or start a healthy relationship with anyone you must first love yourself and when somebody asks you out you should feel as though it was only natural for someone to want to hang out with someone as amazing and fun as you are;) And if something doesn’t work out always remember that there are beautiful things and people waiting in the world for you to meet.
    Hope I could help in someway 🙂
    Alapal

    #62650
    Zoey Mcandles
    Participant

    Hi Alapal,
    Thank you so much for your reply, everyone’s kind words really help to hear. Something you said really resonated with me, I think that I’m unsure of the person I am when I’m alone, and if someone asks me out, I shouldn’t feel like that’s weird or anything, and lately I have been. I really need to boost my self confidence, I’m not quite sure how to do that though. I think the hardest part about this whole thing for me is that I still really want him and am a little in love with him, and I need to shift my attention to creating a healthy relationship with myself. Why is that so hard to do?!? I want to be happy though, and I don’t want him to take the joy that I used to have before this whole ordeal, and with the help of positive and helpful words like yours, I’m determined to make that happen!
    Thank you so much, you helped more that you know.
    Much Love!
    -Zoey

    #62657
    Alpal
    Participant

    So glad I could help Zoey and yes the most important thing a person can do is fall in love with themselves! When it comes to confidence I myself have been on the journey to becoming the person I would love to be (which is the funnest thing to do) and it has taken me years and years of practice I am not 100% there yet, but I can see a huge change in myself and in the people around me and the way they treat me. You need to start slow with yourself start with deciding what your most important values are in life and what you find to be most important such as respect or loyalty or fun or inner peace , whatever it may be you need to decide that in order to start sticking to it. In order to have confidence and love yourself you must mirror what you admire and you must stick to what you believe and that is why I think starting with your most important values should be first. After doing that you could sit and think what you don’t like about yourself or what you think your weakness is and start focusing on that for a while it might touch some sensitive places in your heart , but in order to grow you must really get “naked” with yourself:p. Then you could start from there and decide whether its a part of you you would like to accept or a part you would prefer to change. I myself have an entire folder on my laptop of my journey, if you would like I could send you more information about what I did , but I was a bit obsessed and still am with personal growth haha:) but it really has paid off:)
    When it comes to him I am not sure exactly what is in your heart and prefer not to judge , but I do think that it is probably more of a crush than true love , for me I believe TRUE love comes only once in a lifetime and it is mutual, if someone doesn’t like you back than that wasn’t your true love and it was probably just some attraction you had for each other. Once you fall in love with yourself you will not want him anymore trust me ! You wont want to have anything to do with someone who doesn’t want to be with you , be that a friend or a lover 😉
    Good luck on your journey 🙂
    Alpal

    #62719
    Zoey Mcandles
    Participant

    Hi Alpal,
    That is so true, and I definitely want to become more comfortable and just be happy with myself. I would absolutely love to hear more information about this! That would be so kind of you! I just feel constantly anxious and antsy, and I want to find that inner peace that I used to have. And what a great thing to be obsessed with, I hope I do the same! 🙂
    And you’re probably completely right about my being in love, I’m just thrown off because I’m usually not this way with guys, and for some reason I can’t stop thinking about this one. It does’t help that we have the same friend group either. I just wish the weepy, emotional part of all of this would speed up and end already 😉

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