Hi Jasmine,

It’s a number of things, really. I do want to let go of things and I get in my own way- causing myself to fall deeper and deeper into my rut.

My boyfriend, whom I love very dearly, hurt me (unintentionally) numerous times in the past due to his own selfish behavior. He has explained that he never really cared for anyone but himself before, leading him to act selfishly and that he hoped I would give him the opportunity to prove he will change. He is emotionally reserved, to the point where he tells me he loves me but fights it because he doesn’t deserve my love. I reassure him, time and time again, but it does become disheartening. I believe fully that actions speak louder than words, and sometimes people have a hard time opening up. But as much as I try to remember not to take his own problems personally, I have days where I feel like I failed him- even though his friends for years have told me they’ve never seen him so happy and open. I don’t know what my expectation is, but I know how foolish expectations are. We’ve known each other for almost 4 years, and the hurt I referenced happened early on. But it’s true I resent him for these things, and I am silently waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. When I’ve tried to speak about the lies, he closes down, admittedly because he cannot stand how much he hurt me. Truth is, I know that I have to let this go in order to ever move forward happily, but I just can’t figure out how.

Additionally, I’m not where I want to be in my career, and just recently the company I worked for the past 6 years, and turned down job offers to stand by my boss, abruptly closed. My boss kindly found me a position with another venture, for which I am extremely grateful. But it comes with a hefty pay cut, causing my finances to suffer. With no notice (he took us for drinks and told us we were closing and I would be starting somewhere new the following Monday) it was difficult to accumulate a savings and cut corners where need be. I am getting by, but it hasn’t been easy. I intend to find a new job, one that will make me happier. But my boyfriend currently uses my car to/from work, as he works an hour away, which leaves it difficult to attend job interviews, or leave my position. I am helping him look for jobs closer to home, so I can’t really leave until he finds a new job. Because this is what works right now. but 80% of my unhappiness is spent dreading M-F 9-6.

Finally, this month, I surrendered my condo I purchased when I was 23, after being basically bullied by my HOA. This was a better decision, as the neighborhood was extremely dangerous (it wasn’t that way when I bought it) and I was upside down due to the housing market. It is what it is, and I am much happier in my new house with my boyfriend, in a safe and adorable neighborhood. But I can’t help but feel like a loser. Like I did something wrong, though I know I didn’t.

It really is a number of things, mostly my mindset though. Life happens and I know that. But I just need to figure out how to remember that daily, rather than dwell on the bad.

Thank you both for your kind words. and reading my story book.