How wonderful to see so many people coming together here, having also seen the dark side of humanity.

Regarding silencing the negativity, I’ll share the way I learned to do it. I was told by someone that I have to stop talking and thinking badly about myself and that I was no longer allowed to do it. I agreed to do so. To me it became almost like a game of where’s Waldo 🙂 Every time I realised that I was starting to speak ill of myself, I interrupted those words. They popped back again, I interrupted them again. Every time I noticed that happening, even when I was being kind of sarcastic which was supposed to be “funny”. I had promised to do this, and I was going to keep my promise. I hadn’t even realised how much I had put myself down. When you have a negative belief of yourself, it comes so naturally to put yourself down that you don’t even notice all the ways you’re doing it. Yet, I kept on interrupting my inner nemesis. And just like when you are trying to tell someone something and they keep interrupting you all the time…my nemesis started to quiet down and kind of forgot to say those things anymore.

The way I felt after I had been doing that for a while was so liberating. Like I had been carrying these heavy chains around me the whole time and I started to feel so much lighter. I had no idea that words could carry so much effect on how you feel.

I started to expand this interrupting technique to other things as well, when I just wanted my mind to quiet down for a moment. Regardless of what kind of chatter was going on. I just allowed the words to dissolve into thin air and I just tried to focus on my senses and my surroundings. Kind of like DIY meditation practice 🙂 I still do that and it’s a wonderful way of getting a short vacation from hectic life. Now I have this safe place where I can go to and relax for a while. It’s safe, because what are fears other than thoughts that keep popping into your head?

I also went to meetings. Again suggested by the same person who told me not to speak badly about myself. This was for friends and family members of alcoholics (my father was an alcoholic). I pretty much went there kicking and screaming. Not literally, but I didn’t want to go. I thought it was really stupid and unfair that because of other people’s behaviour when I was a child, now I had to sit in a stupid meeting and seek forgiveness for my actions. But it did help in various ways. It was good to see my own behaviour in other people. You’re kind of blind to yourself, but when you see it in others, it becomes more clear.

Letting go of anger and resentment really isn’t easy and it requires so much humility, but it is so worth it. I would never want to go back to where I was a few years ago. Now life feels vivid and I enjoy even the smallest of things. I’m still learning how to take care of myself, but at least I feel like I deserve to be taken care of. The anger and resentment are pretty much gone. Not completely, but that’s OK. What I’m trying to say is that while it is a long road and you’re not going to be magically transformed overnight, every little bit of light and love that’s allowed back into your life will nourish you and you’ll get stronger, and every time you manage to slay down the negative words and thoughts that keep you down, you’ll be more uplifted and stronger again.