Maureen,

A lot of your descriptions sounded very familiar to how I have felt. Outwardly very confident, but afraid of abandonment inside. In a way, the fear of abandonment can spur someone on to become lively and funny. It’s a way to guarantee that people would stick around for longer. Unfortunately the deep belief that one is actually not worthy of love tends to sabotage everything in the end. The created illusion of confidence can’t hide the deep seated beliefs for any prolonged period.

The good thing is that you can indeed overcome it. The bad thing is that it’s not easy to change fundamental beliefs.

Right now you are seeking attachment to someone else, so that you would feel loved, but the void within can not be filled by another person. It has to be filled by you. Others tend to treat you the way you treat yourself and how you see yourself: as likeable but not loveable. So you’ll probably have a lot of friends, but not that one romantic partner that you so crave to have. It’s not because factually there would be anything wrong with you. It’s because you fundamentally belief that there is something wrong with you. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so scared. But those are all things that you’ve created for yourself and aren’t the actual truth.

There are a lot of things that you could do. Try to stay active here and look around, read and participate. I would also recommend both Susan Anderson’s and David Richo’s books. Try Metta meditation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3uLqt69VyI

Above all, you’ll have to let love in. Believing deep down that you’re not worthy of love and then seeking love is like trying to push together magnets that have the wrong kind of polarity. You might be surrounded by love (and you are), but the fundamental belief will shield your heart from allowing anything in, and thus you end up depriving it of love as well. Don’t deprive yourself. Nurture yourself!