It is good to see some of our own behaviour patterns, but do look at it from a neutral perspective and do not use it for any kind of self-shaming. We all do the best that we can with what we’ve got and how we’ve learned to deal with things. Our world view is based on our experiences and if the experiences haven’t been that good, it’s easy to fall down and stay there, unable to get up, because we firmly believe that we belong there.

I look at root causes as the really, really fundamental beliefs. Believing to be deserving and worthy of love, care (physical and emotional), compassion, and so on. Not entitled to, but worthy of them. What ever would be the cause for someone thinking that they’re not worthy of those things is actually kind of unimportant in my opinion. What ever it is that caused it did cause it and is in the past, and now we just have to get back on track.

The entanglements can be solved with meditative practices. Get rid of the clutter, and don’t dwell on it too much. I know it’s easier said than done, but I’m trying to be simplistic for the sake of portraying a picture that is easier to understand.

I had a rather spiritual experience in an Al-Anon meeting where I realised that as much as I longed to be loved, I never actually allowed myself to be loved. I didn’t let anyone in my heart. In that moment, I decided that I will allow love in. I focused on my own heart and aimed all the compassion that I could muster towards it. I also silently asked to be loved. I felt this surge of energy flowing in, and I wish I could say that it felt great, but I actually felt really nauseous and I could feel my muscles tensing up, trying to prevent this feeling from happening. But I was determined and powered through, and it was then that I truly realised that it was always me who didn’t allow the love in, and that the love was always there. It was I who saw myself as unloveable, and out of fear decided to keep my heart shielded. That love has never left my heart. There are good days and there are bad days. I fall down sometimes and then I ask for help and get back up. The general direction is still upwards. I don’t think I could ever fall into an abusive relationship again, because my view of myself is so radically different. I, as a person, am still the same, but I light up differently. I feel balanced and there is much, much less clutter in my mind.

What I wanted to illustrate with my story was that it was something very simple that happened to me that changed everything. It wasn’t the only thing, and I still keep learning clearer ways to see things. I’m not sure if such an exercise would work for everyone. The place where I was at that point was also very healing, as it was a support group, and I was in a particular state of mind, really ready to finally accept love, no matter how scary it felt like and knowing that I had to be humble to accept it. But it was still very simple and the key wasn’t to understand everything that had happened in my life which has lead me to that point of being in that support group meeting in the first place. The key was so simple and it was always there, had I just chosen to use it.

I was also completely unable to make any lasting, positive changes before I changed my core beliefs. I was always in an emotional whirlwind and always thinking and trying to understand. So don’t fret. I know how frustrating it can be when you try to change things, and you keep falling back down, but it doesn’t have to be like that forever.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by The Ruminant.