Bryony,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and do understand self loathing and despair. Confusion, meeting up with a shitty self image, and soon we’re staring at a forest of shadows, inner gloom, and fear. Don’t despair, dear sister, it can heal with time, rebuilding what was lost. Buddha taught that for every beginning there is an ending, which to me notes the way these painful views and feelings can subside. To let go of the “critics view” of self, and find the reality of our beauty, the inner glow of our happiness and contentment. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that these things you do have a cause, they’re not cause-less. Meaning you’re not “flawed” or “randomly a bitch” or anything, rather you’re stuck with some uncomfortable feelings, and those express themselves sometimes. Like at the wedding, you see a horrible person, wishing to ruin a loved ones special day. I see a woman longing for home, and in her sorrow, felt jealous, bursting with creativity, an ugly plan. No biggie, makes sense, that happens sometimes. Of course you wouldn’t act on it, your heart is strong.

But the criticism also comes alongside, like a second wound. The voice of “the invalidator”, saying “how could you?”, as though the only answer is “because I’m a shitty being”. Ha! So ridiculous! We get grumpy, physiologically, when needs we have are going unmet. And I’ll bet you didn’t even stop smiling, your heart stopping you from doing anything with the emotion, maybe froze? Maybe excused yourself and yelled at yourself in the bathroom or in your head? You could have done anything with that emotion. Dumped the wine. Told a humiliating story. Stabbed her with a fork. Anything. And you chose to chew it. In Buddhism, this is called “do no harm”, and is considered noble. 🙂 So, why feel shitty about it? You did fine.

That being said, there’s still the discomfort with yourself, right? The sense that “I’m just wrong”. It wouldn’t surprise me if it even sounded like your sister (especially after interacting with her). Its a paper tiger, sister, an empty bubble of habit. Your sis, who ideally would have loved you like a bunny, hugged you and squeezed you, lashed instead, and so you have some stuff to sort out, heal. When we rest with compassion (such as the wedding example, accepting, letting what’s there actually show through, make some space) the clouds break. A positive self view begins to blossom. And not selfish, such as becoming self absorbed and making everything about us. Rather, a sense of positive self, such as buoyancy, gratitude, connection. Consider starting a metta practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship, the authentic smile, and brings a lot of much needed freshness to this kind of space. Like a vase of flowers we offer ourselves to brighten our desk, remind us of beauty. Or hopping in a tub with candles, feeling the water, watching the lights dance on the walls, letting go of the previous moments for awhile, and unwinding. One teacher said “if a million beings practiced metta, there would be a million happy beings.” 🙂 Consider “Sharon Salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Finally, don’t be so harsh with yourself. You’re a goddess, dear sister, with a heart that is strong and resilient. Considering the shit you’ve slogged through, you’re incredibly put together. Shuck this critic nonsense and you’ll see just how strong you really are. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt