Bryony,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and do understand self loathing and despair. Confusion, meeting up with a shitty self image, and soon we’re staring at a forest of shadows, inner gloom, and fear. Don’t despair, dear sister, it can heal with time, rebuilding what was lost. Buddha taught that for every beginning there is an ending, which to me notes the way these painful views and feelings can subside. To let go of the “critics view” of self, and find the reality of our beauty, the inner glow of our happiness and contentment. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that these things you do have a cause, they’re not cause-less. Meaning you’re not “flawed” or “randomly a bitch” or anything, rather you’re stuck with some uncomfortable feelings, and those express themselves sometimes. Like at the wedding, you see a horrible person, wishing to ruin a loved ones special day. I see a woman longing for home, and in her sorrow, felt jealous, bursting with creativity, an ugly plan. No biggie, makes sense, that happens sometimes. Of course you wouldn’t act on it, your heart is strong.

But the criticism also comes alongside, like a second wound. The voice of “the invalidator”, saying “how could you?”, as though the only answer is “because I’m a shitty being”. Ha! So ridiculous! We get grumpy, physiologically, when needs we have are going unmet. And I’ll bet you didn’t even stop smiling, your heart stopping you from doing anything with the emotion, maybe froze? Maybe excused yourself and yelled at yourself in the bathroom or in your head? You could have done anything with that emotion. Dumped the wine. Told a humiliating story. Stabbed her with a fork. Anything. And you chose to chew it. In Buddhism, this is called “do no harm”, and is considered noble. 🙂 So, why feel shitty about it? You did fine.

That being said, there’s still the discomfort with yourself, right? The sense that “I’m just wrong”. It wouldn’t surprise me if it even sounded like your sister (especially after interacting with her). Its a paper tiger, sister, an empty bubble of habit. Your sis, who ideally would have loved you like a bunny, hugged you and squeezed you, lashed instead, and so you have some stuff to sort out, heal. When we rest with compassion (such as the wedding example, accepting, letting what’s there actually show through, make some space) the clouds break. A positive self view begins to blossom. And not selfish, such as becoming self absorbed and making everything about us. Rather, a sense of positive self, such as buoyancy, gratitude, connection. Consider starting a metta practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship, the authentic smile, and brings a lot of much needed freshness to this kind of space. Like a vase of flowers we offer ourselves to brighten our desk, remind us of beauty. Or hopping in a tub with candles, feeling the water, watching the lights dance on the walls, letting go of the previous moments for awhile, and unwinding. One teacher said “if a million beings practiced metta, there would be a million happy beings.” 🙂 Consider “Sharon Salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Finally, don’t be so harsh with yourself. You’re a goddess, dear sister, with a heart that is strong and resilient. Considering the shit you’ve slogged through, you’re incredibly put together. Shuck this critic nonsense and you’ll see just how strong you really are. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Bryony,

I have similar experiences to what you went through. Although it’s not exactly the same, I can still understand where your feelings are coming from and empathize with you.

I, too, have sisters who do not want anything to do with me unless they need something from me. I tried my best to please them but I still feel like an outcast. My sister even had threatened to stop letting her kids to come to my house for visit because I didn’t do what she wanted me to. I remember there were times that I tried to turn to my sisters for comfort to sooth my broken heart. My feelings would be invalidated and I felt so inadequate for feeling sad. Growing up in the this lack of love and appreciation atmosphere, I too have internalized this belief that I’m not worthy of love because I will never be enough.

Not until recently, I realize that not everyone has it all together. My sisters have their own struggles to face. A loving and compassionate person would not have said such mean words to anyone. My sisters might have harsh judgement for themselves internally and said the same mean words to themselves when they were vulnerable and hurt too. Maybe they thought it was the way to combat hurt feelings. Your sister might be quite critical of herself too. She might believe her own harsh judgements and slowly started to see the world through such a darkened lens. She might not even realize those judgements she holds for herself are toxic. Let alone to realize the power it has to destroy others. Trying to see from a broader perspective allows me to bring out my inner compassion for people who have mistreated me. Their actions are still not acceptable but it’s much more understandable. From there, we can channel more love to ourselves and others as we try to see the obstacles that are blocking their way to becoming a genuinely loving person.

There were times that I wished my sisters to be the kind of supportive, loving and nurturing sisters that I always dreamed of having. I realize I put my fullest life on hold when I wait for someone to treat me better. Why wait for someone to be my support? I can be the kind of sisters I wish I had to myself. I believe you can be your own pillar of strength too. From the awareness you have for your own struggles, the courage to end a unhealthy relationship that you cared a lot for, the love you have for your niece, I see your strength. You’ve got to see it for yourself to believe it no matter what others tell you. You validate yourself. Nobody’s validation can replace your own. Self loathing thoughts happen to the best of us. Our work is to search for the strength within and focus on that. Soon our voice of self love would become louder and the voice of self hatred would become lower. It will still be there from time to time. Accept that it will be there. What you resist, persist. Instead of feeling bad about self-hatred or trying to push it away, accept it’s there and see it as a sign of it’s time to nurture yourself with love. Once our voice of self love gets loud enough, nothing will have the power to affect the way we feel about ourselves. You deserve unconditional love. There will be times that you don’t like yourself so much that you believe you don’t deserve love for yourself. These are actually the times that you need the most love for yourself. Be gentle towards yourself. Imagine if your niece would go through this inner turmoil like you do, what would you tell her? Even if she made all the same mistakes, would you still love her for who she is? Even if she harbored feelings of unworthiness and self hatred, would you still love her no matter what she felt about herself. Try to think of the love you have for your niece to channel out the love you have for yourself.

Everything will fall into place when we have a good relationship with ourselves. Take the time and space you need to empower yourself. Try to set some boundaries with your sister. Say no to others’ demands when your heart tells you to. You need some space to untangle yourself from the knots you’re tied up in. Love yourself for where you are now. Don’t wait until you become the “lovable” person you expected to be. Love yourself now. Try to write down your strength or something you love about yourself everyday. It can be as little as one thing. Like how you find the courage to seek help when you feel vulnerable, how you choose compassion and kindness over bitterness. It helps to change the way you see yourself on a daily basis. It’s not easy to shake all the conditioning that is so engrained in us after all these years. But it’s possible. How far deep down in the valley we are now will show how high we can fly to reach the top later. It’s not about how we prevent us from falling into a deep hole. It’s about how steady we rise from the bottom. Our strengths get stronger each time we face adversities. We will be faster to recover our broken hearts each time.

The man I thought I was going to marry after dating for him for three years completely cut me out of his life when he met someone new in a matter of 3 days. As much as I wanted to blame him as though it’s all his fault, I knew what I did to contribute into sustaining an unhealthy relationship. I reclaimed my fair share of responsibilities. After that, I no longer see myself as the victim. I had let him treated me with less than love and i believed I deserved it. Now I know what I need to work on in order to build a stronger and healthier relationship next time around. I no longer to be in a passive role for change when it comes to relationships. As much as I believe in taking the time to enjoy being single and enjoy your own company to build a solid foundation of self love before jumping into a relationship, you sounded like your withholding yourself because of fear. If you find it hard to trust other, you can choose to trust yourself for your ability to differentiate unhealthy relationships from healthy one, to protect yourself from harm and the capacity to radiate love inward and outward. You can trust yourself to have the ability to rise out from the dark. All you need to heal yourself is within you, just waiting for you to discover the strength underneath all those layers of self blame.

Try to go out and volunteer for something that you strongly believe in. Do something good for your community. Anything would be great as long as it ignites your passion and puts sparks in your eyes. People are like islands. Separated at the surface but deeply connected below the surface. You will discover more about your strength and share it with the world as you see how we all are connected through our struggles and desires. Reach out (at your own comfortable pace) and see how much you can offer to the world!

See this struggle you are going through now is the birth of your new strength and the growth of your self love. This misery gives birth to a stronger, more resilient and more loving version of you.

When questions are answered no one replies.

I think that is rude.

It would be nice to know if people have been helped.

No Matt,
I don.t believe in goddess making
compliments are an escape from reality.
communication on a message board is vital
to ones well being,
anything else (usung your favorite
expression) is shitty.)
Such a word is gross.

Louise,

What? What word is gross? Escape from what? Is there a conversation we’re having in your head that I’m not included in?

With warmth,
Matt

Correction,

My last post was to a quote from Lilia, not Matt.