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Self loathing

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  • #64477
    Bryony Cardell
    Participant

    Hi there,

    I’m hoping that there are few other people out there who have been in a similar position who are hopefully in a better place now who can shed some light on what I’m feeling. I think it’s pretty complex so I guess if I write down everything that comes into my head it may give people a good idea of what’s happening.

    I think the root of it is a volatile relationship with my sister. She can be a difficult, selfish person but I think she is a good person underneath and I do love her. However I am feeling exasperated as I feel she uses me when she wants something and then doesn’t bother with me otherwise. She has a 2 year old daughter who I am very close to and totally adore, so I often have to bite my tongue and go along with her various requests. Part of me thinks she knows I would do anything for her daughter and so uses that. She does not have a good relationship with our parents and uses them also when she needs them.

    When we were growing up she was quite critical of me (looks/ability/weight etc) and this is why I do not like myself at all (especially the way I look). I have always had quite high standards of myself and when I messed up my exams at school the feeling became stronger. I idolised a teacher and he was so disappointed in me when he found out my results for his subject that I can still remember the crushing feeling I had when I saw his face on results day. I found my granddad dead when I was 17 – it was quite traumatic at the time and although I’m old enough now (early 30’s) to understand that these things happen I hold enormous guilt about not doing enough to try and revive him. The self loathing notched up another gear after that.

    I always wanted to have a family and just assumed in time it would come. It is now starting to dawn on me that this may not happen. A lot of my friends are married/in relationships/ have children so I end up spending more and more time alone. I do a lot of sport (I think it is the one thing that keeps me sane) and am a member of various clubs so I keep busy. My last relationship was not a healthy one – my ex boyfriend told me that he was with me as I ‘ticked all the boxes’, that he didn’t and never would love me but that I was better than him being alone. I knew all along that he wasn’t that interested but I cared for him very much and hoped things would change. A year later I decided for my own sake it had to end and that was 3 years ago – he has moved on with girlfriend and baby and I just avoid men/dating at any cost. I’ve never felt like I’m good enough and that totally confirmed it.

    I have quite a stressful job and work long hours but in a way I am thankful as it takes my mind off things. It is the one thing I am proud of. I recently discovered that I have instrusive thoughts (I thought everyone had these! I’ve had them since I can remember) that usually mean I think everyone is laughing at me or think that I’m stupid/ugly. Sometimes it’s imagining doing or saying something to someone else that would be horrible (for example, I was a bridesmaid at my best friend’s wedding and from nowhere I had the thought of throwing wine over her dress. I would never do this and hated myself for the thought).

    I have some very close friends but I only tell two how I feel and I try and alternate it between them as I don’t want to drive them away. I know I hide my feelings well and they were shocked when I told them; however it made me feel very vulnerable and I only now tell them a few things now and again. When I was younger my close circle of friends had found out my boyfriend at the time was cheating on me but collectively decided ‘not to rock the boat’. I have still never forgiven some of them for it fully, although I feel no anger now it’s the effect on future friendships I am cross with them for – I find it difficult to trust. My best friend stole money from me when we were 19 and she happened to see me by chance a few years ago. She sent a letter to my workplace to apologise and it made me so anxious and upset – I couldn’t believe how I felt so many years later.

    I have had CBT and it was successful but only for the duration I was having it. I am waiting for a re-referral. I have never liked myself and so I feel it would be difficult to never have that feeling as I wouldn’t know what it would be like.

    The negative voice is so strong in my head – I know it is only as strong as I let it – but after having it since I can remember I just have no idea how to get rid/cope with it. Has anyone had any similar experiences?

    #64482
    Matt
    Participant

    Bryony,

    I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and do understand self loathing and despair. Confusion, meeting up with a shitty self image, and soon we’re staring at a forest of shadows, inner gloom, and fear. Don’t despair, dear sister, it can heal with time, rebuilding what was lost. Buddha taught that for every beginning there is an ending, which to me notes the way these painful views and feelings can subside. To let go of the “critics view” of self, and find the reality of our beauty, the inner glow of our happiness and contentment. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Consider that these things you do have a cause, they’re not cause-less. Meaning you’re not “flawed” or “randomly a bitch” or anything, rather you’re stuck with some uncomfortable feelings, and those express themselves sometimes. Like at the wedding, you see a horrible person, wishing to ruin a loved ones special day. I see a woman longing for home, and in her sorrow, felt jealous, bursting with creativity, an ugly plan. No biggie, makes sense, that happens sometimes. Of course you wouldn’t act on it, your heart is strong.

    But the criticism also comes alongside, like a second wound. The voice of “the invalidator”, saying “how could you?”, as though the only answer is “because I’m a shitty being”. Ha! So ridiculous! We get grumpy, physiologically, when needs we have are going unmet. And I’ll bet you didn’t even stop smiling, your heart stopping you from doing anything with the emotion, maybe froze? Maybe excused yourself and yelled at yourself in the bathroom or in your head? You could have done anything with that emotion. Dumped the wine. Told a humiliating story. Stabbed her with a fork. Anything. And you chose to chew it. In Buddhism, this is called “do no harm”, and is considered noble. 🙂 So, why feel shitty about it? You did fine.

    That being said, there’s still the discomfort with yourself, right? The sense that “I’m just wrong”. It wouldn’t surprise me if it even sounded like your sister (especially after interacting with her). Its a paper tiger, sister, an empty bubble of habit. Your sis, who ideally would have loved you like a bunny, hugged you and squeezed you, lashed instead, and so you have some stuff to sort out, heal. When we rest with compassion (such as the wedding example, accepting, letting what’s there actually show through, make some space) the clouds break. A positive self view begins to blossom. And not selfish, such as becoming self absorbed and making everything about us. Rather, a sense of positive self, such as buoyancy, gratitude, connection. Consider starting a metta practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship, the authentic smile, and brings a lot of much needed freshness to this kind of space. Like a vase of flowers we offer ourselves to brighten our desk, remind us of beauty. Or hopping in a tub with candles, feeling the water, watching the lights dance on the walls, letting go of the previous moments for awhile, and unwinding. One teacher said “if a million beings practiced metta, there would be a million happy beings.” 🙂 Consider “Sharon Salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

    Finally, don’t be so harsh with yourself. You’re a goddess, dear sister, with a heart that is strong and resilient. Considering the shit you’ve slogged through, you’re incredibly put together. Shuck this critic nonsense and you’ll see just how strong you really are. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #64515
    Sherry
    Participant

    Bryony, Thank you for sharing. I have struggled a lot with this in the past and now I am doing much better but lately with a turbulent relationship in the mix I am hearing some of those negative voices again. The trick I learned though is we cannot let other people have the power to validate our characters and who we are. What I do if focus on is becoming the person I want to be and practice it everyday of my life until I become that person. It is hard digging down to childhood beliefs and changing them and the older we get I think the harder it is to not go back to that self loathing phase again. The good news it though by never giving up and constantly working on this eventually that will be part of the past and the present will reflect the person you imagined yourself to be.. thoughts and all…

    #64605
    Lilia
    Participant

    Bryony,

    I have similar experiences to what you went through. Although it’s not exactly the same, I can still understand where your feelings are coming from and empathize with you.

    I, too, have sisters who do not want anything to do with me unless they need something from me. I tried my best to please them but I still feel like an outcast. My sister even had threatened to stop letting her kids to come to my house for visit because I didn’t do what she wanted me to. I remember there were times that I tried to turn to my sisters for comfort to sooth my broken heart. My feelings would be invalidated and I felt so inadequate for feeling sad. Growing up in the this lack of love and appreciation atmosphere, I too have internalized this belief that I’m not worthy of love because I will never be enough.

    Not until recently, I realize that not everyone has it all together. My sisters have their own struggles to face. A loving and compassionate person would not have said such mean words to anyone. My sisters might have harsh judgement for themselves internally and said the same mean words to themselves when they were vulnerable and hurt too. Maybe they thought it was the way to combat hurt feelings. Your sister might be quite critical of herself too. She might believe her own harsh judgements and slowly started to see the world through such a darkened lens. She might not even realize those judgements she holds for herself are toxic. Let alone to realize the power it has to destroy others. Trying to see from a broader perspective allows me to bring out my inner compassion for people who have mistreated me. Their actions are still not acceptable but it’s much more understandable. From there, we can channel more love to ourselves and others as we try to see the obstacles that are blocking their way to becoming a genuinely loving person.

    There were times that I wished my sisters to be the kind of supportive, loving and nurturing sisters that I always dreamed of having. I realize I put my fullest life on hold when I wait for someone to treat me better. Why wait for someone to be my support? I can be the kind of sisters I wish I had to myself. I believe you can be your own pillar of strength too. From the awareness you have for your own struggles, the courage to end a unhealthy relationship that you cared a lot for, the love you have for your niece, I see your strength. You’ve got to see it for yourself to believe it no matter what others tell you. You validate yourself. Nobody’s validation can replace your own. Self loathing thoughts happen to the best of us. Our work is to search for the strength within and focus on that. Soon our voice of self love would become louder and the voice of self hatred would become lower. It will still be there from time to time. Accept that it will be there. What you resist, persist. Instead of feeling bad about self-hatred or trying to push it away, accept it’s there and see it as a sign of it’s time to nurture yourself with love. Once our voice of self love gets loud enough, nothing will have the power to affect the way we feel about ourselves. You deserve unconditional love. There will be times that you don’t like yourself so much that you believe you don’t deserve love for yourself. These are actually the times that you need the most love for yourself. Be gentle towards yourself. Imagine if your niece would go through this inner turmoil like you do, what would you tell her? Even if she made all the same mistakes, would you still love her for who she is? Even if she harbored feelings of unworthiness and self hatred, would you still love her no matter what she felt about herself. Try to think of the love you have for your niece to channel out the love you have for yourself.

    Everything will fall into place when we have a good relationship with ourselves. Take the time and space you need to empower yourself. Try to set some boundaries with your sister. Say no to others’ demands when your heart tells you to. You need some space to untangle yourself from the knots you’re tied up in. Love yourself for where you are now. Don’t wait until you become the “lovable” person you expected to be. Love yourself now. Try to write down your strength or something you love about yourself everyday. It can be as little as one thing. Like how you find the courage to seek help when you feel vulnerable, how you choose compassion and kindness over bitterness. It helps to change the way you see yourself on a daily basis. It’s not easy to shake all the conditioning that is so engrained in us after all these years. But it’s possible. How far deep down in the valley we are now will show how high we can fly to reach the top later. It’s not about how we prevent us from falling into a deep hole. It’s about how steady we rise from the bottom. Our strengths get stronger each time we face adversities. We will be faster to recover our broken hearts each time.

    The man I thought I was going to marry after dating for him for three years completely cut me out of his life when he met someone new in a matter of 3 days. As much as I wanted to blame him as though it’s all his fault, I knew what I did to contribute into sustaining an unhealthy relationship. I reclaimed my fair share of responsibilities. After that, I no longer see myself as the victim. I had let him treated me with less than love and i believed I deserved it. Now I know what I need to work on in order to build a stronger and healthier relationship next time around. I no longer to be in a passive role for change when it comes to relationships. As much as I believe in taking the time to enjoy being single and enjoy your own company to build a solid foundation of self love before jumping into a relationship, you sounded like your withholding yourself because of fear. If you find it hard to trust other, you can choose to trust yourself for your ability to differentiate unhealthy relationships from healthy one, to protect yourself from harm and the capacity to radiate love inward and outward. You can trust yourself to have the ability to rise out from the dark. All you need to heal yourself is within you, just waiting for you to discover the strength underneath all those layers of self blame.

    Try to go out and volunteer for something that you strongly believe in. Do something good for your community. Anything would be great as long as it ignites your passion and puts sparks in your eyes. People are like islands. Separated at the surface but deeply connected below the surface. You will discover more about your strength and share it with the world as you see how we all are connected through our struggles and desires. Reach out (at your own comfortable pace) and see how much you can offer to the world!

    See this struggle you are going through now is the birth of your new strength and the growth of your self love. This misery gives birth to a stronger, more resilient and more loving version of you.

    #64612
    louise
    Participant

    By Byony
    the bible warns to take every thought captive.
    and for a very good reaon.
    you are listening to an entity, jf you believe it, it will distroy your life.
    This is a spiritual problem for many.

    you are hurting yourself, you are

    being taken advantage of by your sister and
    allow it to happen because of her baby, she is using it against you.
    give it up, you are hurting yourself. Stop being a people pleaser and stop biting your toung
    speak up. No matter what you lose.
    ANd stop believing your thoughts, they are destructive.
    Louise

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by louise. Reason: typo
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by louise. Reason: more typos sorry
    #64665
    louise
    Participant

    When questions are answered no one replies.

    I think that is rude.

    It would be nice to know if people have been helped.

    #64685
    Matt
    Participant

    Louise,

    But you’re already being the wonderful gift of letting go, such as learning to give a gift with no expectation of return. If their silence is contentious for you, you’re doing it wrong. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #64700
    louise
    Participant

    No Matt,
    I don.t believe in goddess making
    compliments are an escape from reality.
    communication on a message board is vital
    to ones well being,
    anything else (usung your favorite
    expression) is shitty.)
    Such a word is gross.

    #64701
    Lilia
    Participant

    Louise,

    I’m sensing some pain from your response. Would you like to talk more about it?

    Although I would appreciate any feedback for my input, I also accept that some people just need some time to absorb and digest the comments before being able to say something heartfelt. There are also some circumstances that may make her unvailable to respond. Either way, she does not have to if she doesn’t feel like it. We don’t always get all the feedbacks in life anyway.

    What matter most is not immediate feedback though. It’s the way we create a ripple effect and its power to continue and pass on the strength to others. It can travel a great distance and reach out to other people unintentionally. A lot of people search the Internet to find some insights into their own struggles. Their search keywords my lead them to this page and they may have been able to find some reliefs right here. We don’t always know how we impact each other’s lives.

    Our words and actions plant a seed in others’ heart and it takes time to grow.
    We need to be careful with what kind of seeds that we plant and why we plant it.

    Are we genuinely helping people if we want something in return?
    If we do expect return, what is it really that we want?
    Is there something within ourselves that we need to attend to and nurture first before helping others?

    I hope you find a way releasing the tension despite being in the midst of this silence.

    #64702
    Matt
    Participant

    Louise,

    What? What word is gross? Escape from what? Is there a conversation we’re having in your head that I’m not included in?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #64707
    louise
    Participant

    quote from Matt:
    Are we genuinely helping people if we want something in return?
    If we do expect return, what is it really that we want?
    Is there something within ourselves that we need to attend to and nurture first before helping others?

    I hope you find a way releasing the tension despite being in the midst of this silence
    ……………………………………………………………………………………………
    Hello Matt,
    Believe me when I say that your radar is way off.
    Personally, being still is my motto. One has to be still
    in order to know God, There is no tension in that.
    I don’t think nurturing others or oneself helps anyone.
    Only the truth will set us free.
    Louise

    #64712
    louise
    Participant

    Correction,

    My last post was to a quote from Lilia, not Matt.

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