Hello again. I thought I’d give a little update on this & put into words how things are since I first posted about 6 months ago.

After my last post I still carried anger & resentment for a few months. I I had a new girlfriend for a while but I finished with her after a few months as I couldn’t be hers & hers alone. I’m not at a point in my life where I want only one woman. I would be perfectly happy to have 5 girlfriends or 10, who all know about each other. That might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s my life & my choice. I do know however, that it is a result of my treatment in the past by the girl who is central to this entire thread; that I’ll never give any one girl the power to hurt me like that ever again.

We were at court a few months ago because I was trying to get my contact with my child move out of a supervised centre & into my family or somewhere else. I was seeing him regular up to then & I still am but she would never agree to moving out of it so that’s why I went to court. Anyways, court didn’t work because she made me look really bad with Facebook & twitter statuses that I was venting about it in. I launched an appeal because I had good defence to come back to the judge with, but a few days later I pulled the appeal because I realised it wasn’t going to help me at all being stressed out & that it would only serve to feed the hate & resentments that had been inside for so long. I did it for my own sanity & decided to let go of trying to make things happen as I wanted them to, & have left it in her hands to decide what happens & when.

So after that I wanted to let of anger, resentment & hate for my own health & I told my ex i forgave her for everything & that I no longer held anything against her. I’d said it before of course, but this time I felt I’d had enough, 3 years. I really made a point of finally doing something conclusive to help me heal for good. I wrote out a list of all the reasons I felt hard done by & took a cycle to the docks at the edge of the city & read over the list twice, out loud, & then watched it burn as I looked out to the sea. The next day I booked some counselling sessions & I’ve got one session left next week of 6. I’m not sure it’s “fixed” me since I still get pissed off about it from time to time.

I think maybe I just have to accept that I’m going to get angry now & again, because it did happen & it’s obviously never going to fully leave my memory? I also read a line the other day that “memories are just a memories until you assign a feeling to it”. Which made me stop & think. It is correct & if I’m honest this is how I have been dealing with it subconsciously for a long time now where I allow the thought to just drift on. It is just those other times like once a month where I allow myself to think about it for 10 minutes & get more & more angry & feel the hate rising. Then I’ll do 10 rounds on the punchbag & be ok.

The point here is I know I haven’t truly & fully let go of that anger & hate because sometimes it still pops back in when I think about the things that hurt me. Yes I told her I forgave her & I do wish it were as simple as just saying the words & that would be it, but it isn’t that easy. I thought by me telling her honestly that I forgave her that it could see it as a starting point of the process of me beginning to truly heal. It’s been working yes, but like I said, I still get upset sometimes which if I follow the feelings get emotional which turns to the rage where I hate the men she was with & want them all to die horribly. The feeling soon pass, or I take them out on the punchbag, or I meditate. But is it going to be like this forever? Will I ever be truly free?

If any or all of the men I mentioned before died I’d gloat about it & feel like shouting from the rooftops how much I don’t give a shit & they deserve it. I know that’s not good for my soul. I think it goes without saying that I’d still be happy to beat their shit in if any of them crossed paths with me.

I am forgiving her, but hold hate for everyone else involved. Counterbalance in the wrong way I know.

I’ve thought about the future & the possibility of my ex moving in with a new man & starting a new life etc, the thing I wouldn’t like about this is my son spending more time with some other dickhead than me. I’ll never be ok with this kind of situation & I feel this could potentially harm me in the future. Could I stand there & shake hands with some other guy playing stepdad to my own son? No, I’d want to punch him.

I should point put that this woman is a brilliant mother to my son & literally have nothing to worry about or fear for his safety. I sleep easy at night knowing he is in good hands with her & that he is safe. I have told her this & applauded her for it on occasion, just to let her know I truly am grateful for her care, love & attention of my boy. I am always seeing the good she does for my boy & trying to make it make up for the bad, but former the good has not yet won, & those past hurts still come back to overwrite it.

I do have loads of positive things going on in my life, it’s just I know this issue still burns underneath it all, because I feel it every so often.