What Vic said. Also, it might seem obvious, but it sounds like you’re clinically depressed. Depression lies to us, and tells us that nothing is working out, everything is horrible, and we’ll never feel better. This is simply not true.

You say that you will never take meds, and to me, that seems like the depression talking. It doesn’t want you to feel better. But there’s a part of you who does want to feel better, or you wouldn’t have posted here.

I just recently started taking zoloft after years and years of being unhappy and refusing to take meds. You know what? I feel better now. Whether it’s a placebo effect, the meds, or something else entirely, it feels great to feel “normal” again. Ask yourself why you are so dead-set against at least trying medication or speaking to a professional. Are you somewhat comfortable in a place of feeling sorry for yourself and feeling like a victim? If so, and you don’t take steps to get out that mindset, you will be unhappy for the rest of your life. Do you really want that?

There are lots of people who have built good lives without a degree, and who started out in a place like you’re in, but changed their lives for the better. Comparing yourself to your friends is going to be painful right now because they’re on a standard societally-planned path, and you’re not. You may always be different than your peers. I’ve always been different than mine, too, and sometimes it feels extremely lonely. But your path is OK. You don’t have to be like them. Late bloomers are often the happiest people later in life, because they’ve taken the path less traveled and figured out who they really are, while people who did what they’re “supposed” to do often find out later that those things don’t make them happy.

You say you hate everything. I’d focus on finding something – anything – that you like, and finding other people who like that, too, even if only one or two. I know it feels more comfortable to isolate yourself, but that won’t help you feel better. It’ll just keep the cycle of self-hatred going.

You can get out of this if you really want to. I’ve been there, believe me, and I know a lot of other people who have. Good luck to you! Hugs.