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I feel numb to this world..

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  • This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by lisa.
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  • #65899
    audrey
    Participant

    Everyday is the same routine, the same people, the same shit. I am so tired of it,i am tired of being a slave to society,tired of working and getting bullshit from people just to get my month ends wage which only is enough for food and medical bills. I didnt get a degree like everyone else, i hated school and hated the students. I hate the system. I am 28 years old with a pair of dissapointed parents who look down upon me because i dont have a degree or a great paying job. i LIVE with my parents as i cant afford my own place, i dont go out anywhere except for the mall and gym. I have picked up 10kgs over the last year and i dont know why but im struggling to lose the weight. It is very very hard to get a chance at a great job let alone any low paying job. i hate it,i hate being a part of this struggle,im starting to hate people too.

    It drives me insane because i see others my age with great jobs, travelling, posting their awesome life and weight loss goals etc etc. Basically they rub it in my face that my life sucks. I really feel so depressed and dont tell me to go speak to a professional and get medication because i will not take any medication whatsoever. I look in the mirror and my face has lost its glow, i can hardly smile or be happy anymore,i look like a zombie. I used to receive compliments but not anymore,now people look at me like a piece of crap.

    I am afraid of the future … i dont think my life is worth living. I am grateful for what i do have but nothing goes my way. I sometimes feel i need a holiday but i cant afford one :/ I ALSO think of death alot,it seems to be the only way out of this miserable life. Life is only for the rich. That is why people get degrees so they can buy that big house, have a family and nice fancy car. If you dont have money in this life then youre as good as dead. Dont tell me people dont need money to be happy, i see more unhappy people without money than with.

    #65916
    Vic
    Participant

    Don’t let them win this fight Audrey. I agree with your views towards society even if we do live in different countries. It’s unfair how materialistic society has gotten but it doesn’t mean it’s right. You should focus on what’s right; for your self and the rest of the world. Ultimately your self but eventually you will contribute to this world as I plan on doing.

    Expectation is the root of all suffering and no one can make you feel bad unless you allow them to. Don’t worry about any one else, comparing your self to them is only setting you up for more pain and misery. We are all human and we all deserve to live a happy life but it is our responsibility as well. I believe in the old philosophy saying “mind over matter” because any situation can be looked at in different ways. I personally believe that everything in this world is neutral and it’s only our minds that perceive things as good and bad, which is great to an extent but it can also be detrimental.

    I just want you to know that you’re beautiful, simply because you’re human and you’re trying. You don’t have to be super skinny to be considered beautiful, only to superficial people you do. You don’t need a lot of money to be happy because happiness comes from within. It is a state of being. You don’t need validation from your parents or any one else to feel good about your self because as long as you’re trying your best to improve your situation, who can blame you? It’s actually one of the few things that we can all control; effort. If you don’t have goals, you need some not necessarily to have an end goal for your happiness but to give you some sort of direction. Focus on hobbies or just things in general that make you laugh and smile. You need more of that, we all do as a matter of fact. Don’t dwell in the victim mindset, everything happens for a reason. Take your hardships and look at them from an angle of understanding instead of judgement. Try to understand WHY these things are happening and what is the Universe, or life, trying to get your to do/see?

    I know these are just words on a screen to you but I really mean this. You are beautiful.

    I wish you the best Audrey. Much love,

    -Vic

    #65937
    Rose Tattoo
    Participant

    What Vic said. Also, it might seem obvious, but it sounds like you’re clinically depressed. Depression lies to us, and tells us that nothing is working out, everything is horrible, and we’ll never feel better. This is simply not true.

    You say that you will never take meds, and to me, that seems like the depression talking. It doesn’t want you to feel better. But there’s a part of you who does want to feel better, or you wouldn’t have posted here.

    I just recently started taking zoloft after years and years of being unhappy and refusing to take meds. You know what? I feel better now. Whether it’s a placebo effect, the meds, or something else entirely, it feels great to feel “normal” again. Ask yourself why you are so dead-set against at least trying medication or speaking to a professional. Are you somewhat comfortable in a place of feeling sorry for yourself and feeling like a victim? If so, and you don’t take steps to get out that mindset, you will be unhappy for the rest of your life. Do you really want that?

    There are lots of people who have built good lives without a degree, and who started out in a place like you’re in, but changed their lives for the better. Comparing yourself to your friends is going to be painful right now because they’re on a standard societally-planned path, and you’re not. You may always be different than your peers. I’ve always been different than mine, too, and sometimes it feels extremely lonely. But your path is OK. You don’t have to be like them. Late bloomers are often the happiest people later in life, because they’ve taken the path less traveled and figured out who they really are, while people who did what they’re “supposed” to do often find out later that those things don’t make them happy.

    You say you hate everything. I’d focus on finding something – anything – that you like, and finding other people who like that, too, even if only one or two. I know it feels more comfortable to isolate yourself, but that won’t help you feel better. It’ll just keep the cycle of self-hatred going.

    You can get out of this if you really want to. I’ve been there, believe me, and I know a lot of other people who have. Good luck to you! Hugs.

    #65944
    CKamealoha
    Participant

    Just skimming through, and so do I as well. I think it is normal and natural for an individual to feel that way sometimes. I feel numb at night because I am alone with my one-year-old. My father died in March, my brother in 2008 suicide following the war. My h husband is stressing out because the responsibility of caring for us, taking care of my fatherʻs wishes and also being my dead brother to me. So he doesnʻt come home.

    Our oldest son is 22 and he doesn’t come home either because the few times he does, his parents are fighting. So I am numb. I have a mental health diagnosis, depression for this current episode, individual therapy and medication. But now what?

    Numb to the point where sometimes I donʻt care about my hygiene, and stay in my night clothes all day until night time, and shower off the numbness and put on new armour, but the numbness comes back.

    I decided today I would reinvent myself everyday. Its the night time that is cold and lonely.

    And because I am aware, am I being manipulative of myself, knowingly observing the tarmac and checking my equipment so I can take off. . .

    KNOWING I will run out of gas midair, tumult to the earth and…

    crash and burn.

    #65952
    lisa
    Participant

    Audrey,
    I understand the same ol, same ol, day in and day out thing we all experience. I do feel however, that you like some of the other posts said, that your a bit depressed. Have you talked with your primary care physician who can perhaps recommend a therapist or just soemeone to talk with? YOu say you wont take any medication whatsoever. Why?? Being on antidepressants, even the slightest mg may help you to start to feel like “all is not lost”. Some being seretonin reuptake meds work on the seratonin in your body to eventually (1 week or more) start to feel better. There is no stigma any longer about antidepressants. Many people including myself have been on them and they are what keeps us feeling well and our best selves..on most days.

    Audrey, dont be afraid of the future. Today’s tiny buddha was about facing uncertainty. Everyone is uncertain about their future, and its totally fine. Rest assured that you wont always feel this way.

    What are you grateful for in your life today? It can be the most simplest thing: like just being able to work out. Having that cup of cofee in the morning, a roof over your head. Are you a spiritual person? Know that there is a higher power guiding you even when you dont feel it.
    Dont you ever say your life is not worth living!! Just reading this makes me very sad.
    Please think about talking to someone for an objective view on things.
    I wish you the best Audrey.

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