Wow, thank you Jordan. This resonates quite a bit! There’s a lot in there and without babbling on, the ideas really help. It seems there’s a weird balance between consciousness (which thinking can sometimes help) and living..

Slightly unrelated but related nonetheless, another thing that is part of this feeling is my realising how I sacrificed fun and living to the full, and non-academic opportunities (societies, trying new things, friendships/possible relationships, honestly and fearlessly exploring sexuality/relationships even or just finding out who I am), and right at the end before I graduated I had a few weeks of fun and really living in a sense, and maybe part of the feeling of the work being meaningless/not worth it comes from my wishing I’d had fun too. It kind of feels like I’ve missed all those opportunities and part of me wishes I could go back to university, not for the work but to have fun/make the most of opportunities.

Maybe that’s part of my lack of motivation too- a part of me right now feels why bother , and a part just wants to have fun somehow and not have responsibilities like finding a job.