Alpal,

It very normal and usual to have odd feelings after we get sick. Remember how Buddha taught of impermanence, how things are always changing, never the same. The feelings of tightness and dread will dissipate with time, it sounds to me like your mind and body are out of synch a little… mistrust in each other, both having been through quite a journey.

Next time some dread arises, instead of fearing the fear and trying to run away from it, try resting with it. Be courageous and just breathe, with attention on the feeling in the here and now. Just beneath the racing quality of the fear is a tenderness, Alpal’s gentle desires to be happy, healthy and free. With the mind racing toward “it’ll always be like this!”, that tenderness is perhaps overlooked. Consider it more like how the outside of a pineapple might stop a being from getting closer to it. But, if the outside surface is worked with skillfully, we quickly see that its skin is actually quite thin. The fear perhaps is the same, a little bit of leftover skin around your desire.

With warmth,
Matt