Hi Yanmei,

Five years of relationship are really a long time and his sister was there already. You have already accepted her in the past. Maybe you implicitly assumed that the marriage would pull them a bit away. That was your core belief: when a person forms a new family, it seems natural to make the old one come in second place. Did you discuss this belief with your boyfriend? I imagine not. So you endured it all, waiting for the time to be the first in his life.
So, what is that you have to accept?

Do you want to accept the fact that a marriage does not bring siblings apart and that their bounds is preserved even when they start a new family?
You may reflect on the fact that such a deep bound cannot be broken from one day to another. This is true for every pair of siblings. However, marriage is a big step indeed, it is a change of life that brings new needs and new duties on the table. That is when one may realize he/she does not have all the time to keep in touch with his/her siblings as once he/she used to. Hence he/she draws the line. This is what may happen naturally. Your boyfriend is not married yet. Nevertheless, under the pressure, he may actually decide that the time he dedicates to his sister is OK even after marriage. If this is what you are fighting to accept, try to imagine that spending time with his sister is your boyfriend’s hobby. When he is away, imagine for example he went to watch a car race or went to see some other show you dislike. He is going to be much happier when is bad. Wouldn’t you let him go? Or is there a difference?

This leads to my second hypothesis.
Do you want to accept the fact that your boyfriend will keep in touch and help a person you are not in good relationship with?
He is your boyfriend, yet he goes out and helps and listens to a person that talks bad about you and maybe also tries to sabotage your relationship. It is not a nice feeling indeed. However, there are plenty of situations when your boyfriend may hear someone talking bad about you or may benefit from the fact he was single. Imagine, someone offered him a job somewhere and they really needed his skills, wouldn’t they try to take him away from you if you were a problem and hindered his performance? Such things are not under your control and you have to rely on your boyfriend to be honest and fair about it. I suppose you’ve talking to him about what was bothering you: the fact that his sister is not nice to you. I further suppose that he also reassured you that nothing his sister would say or do will make him change his mind about you. But a request you can make to him.
Tell him that when his sister calls you with names or uses some other bad tone, she is emotionally undermining the appreciations he has for you. Due your experience of fighting hard to be accept in social circles, that is something you are very sensible about. You fear that the bad feeling she puts in those words is really a mine that may explode when he least expects it. Cite some example from your past. Then ask him what he thinks when his sister call you with those names and reflect together about why such bad feelings injected from the side will not hinder your love. As a first hint, observe that five years make quite a strong bound. As a second hint, try to detect what “defect” of yours his sister is trying to highlight by calling you with names, and reflect about why that “defect” is not important.
So expand your concept, when someone attacks you, you do not have to attack back or run away, you may just simply keep constructing your fortress, so that the stones they will throw at you won’t make a dent in the wall. Well, maybe the stones will not make you sleep during the first nights, but you will get used with time. Moreover, keep the doors open, you never know the poor guy will get bored and think that joining you for a dinner at your fireplace is a better idea.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Vhanon.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Vhanon.