Hi Chil,

I understand the present looks so stressful that you naturally go back to that blissful past you lived with your ex and wonder whether things would be better now if you were with him. You made some choices during the last five years that led you to this present, and if you think calmly those choices make sense. You left each other because his family could not accept your marriage, so nothing tells you that things would be better now with him. When you were together, he protected you from his family, he shielded you and valued all your qualities. However those were not things he could do forever, eventually his energies run low and he could not protect you anymore. That is when he proposed to part, so that you could find a family that would treat you better. So, going back to the past is not the solution to the problems in the present, chances are they would still occur even if you were with your ex now. The point is that you have to find your own energies to protect yourself, so that nobody will ever harm you. Not even your ex could do it forever in your place.

So the following are my advices to find some energies and protect yourself.

You can try to communicate with your husband and his family. Do not tell them you are capable, tell them you are doing your best. You are learning and trying hard, and you were not supposed to know all those things already. When your husband decided to marry you, they all accepted the arrangement even if they did not know how good you were. You all committed to be a big happy family and that’s exactly the thing you want: work together to the success and happiness of everybody, and your happiness is included. Moreover, tell them you also have a job and it is just your right to relax at times, you cannot give all your mind and body too cooking and cleaning in your spare time. Tell them that you are stressed and tired, and you reached your limit. You worked hard and deserve some peace and rest. Tell them the next day you’ll be stronger.

I understand his family is quite demanding and it is very hard to please. However, try to understand that is just their viewpoint and their way to frame their desires. The fact is that you are good the way you are (after all you lived with them five years), but you can be better. Yes, everybody can be better, but that’s not a goal you have to set up for yourself unless you want. Do you really want to please them so much? If you want to please them or want to improve in those activities they wish you were better in, then focus on what they want, ask them advices about how you can improve what you do, how you can find more time, what you can do when you are tired. They will help you and understand you better and respect you more. If you do not want to please them and do not want to improve, then do not mind what they say. Tell them that you are good the way you are and do not need to improve. You’ve got a job and you do really a lot already. Tell them you know you may be better at home, but you are not interested, you want to focus on your career. Or maybe you want to take care of your body and soul.

Moreover, recall that, since you are financially independent, you have a back-up plan: divorce. However, think about it as your last weapon, the last safety net. If everything fails, you are your own woman. So be proud of yourself that you have such an opportunity. That is an inner source of strength. Really, if you divorce, you would show everybody how you can take care of yourself and maybe your kids away from them. Then you can start a life at your own pace. But please, do not talk about it… yet.

Really, do not look back at that past. This is your place, this is your life, this is your world, this is your path. You just have to push it in the right direction. Craft your future, either in your current family or somewhere else where you are independent and new. Keep treasure of the experience of the past, and show everybody that you are capable and can do it.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Vhanon.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Vhanon.