Hi Chil,

You are living in a contradiction: on one side you want to please your family, on the other side you want to be accepted as you are as a learner that needs support to grow, but your family does not like it. Hence there are two things you can do to come out from this mess: you either decide that it is not worth to please them so much and define your boundaries, or you accept that they behave in a mean way while you are growing and learning and think that you are pleasing them by being the object of their blame.

Let me elaborate a bit more on the two choices.

It is a fact that your family is “happy” when they blame you because you are late. They are pushing on you all the responsibility for a failed deadline and, by carrying all the weight, you are pleasing them. I know it may not seem that way, since they are angry and mean, but you are actually making them happy by being the subject of their harsh words. Really, do you want to please them so much? The first thing you should say to yourself is “I do not want to please my family, I want fairness, I want to please everybody including me and I want to be treated nicely”, then you have to realize that this mean hurting them and fight and not please them while things are changing. It is something you need to do. You will have to make the bat go hungry for some time if you want to teach him to not suck blood from you arm.

If you decide to define your boundary, you will need to hurt them. So, please think that even if you are hurting them or they will be harsh and mean at you while things are changing, this is just a temporary situation. Once you endure it for some time, things will be better later. They will either accept you or you will learn to deal with their disapprobation. I understand that you are very stressed and have very little energy at the moment, so my first advice is to shut yourself out of the context. Do everything you always do, but do not listen to them. If they ask you something tell them “I’ll do my best”. If they blame you say “I’m sorry, I did my best”. Every time they approach you just to blame you, turn cold and blind. Be like a monkey that does not see, does not hear and does not talk. Do things at your pace. Take time to relax. Do this for some time, retreat in your mind. Tell yourself you’ve been doing a good job, you are making steps forward and that chances are they will appreciate you one day after the change you are planning.
Once you have done this for some time and built your energy, let them hear your voice. Tell them you want a happy family and you are trying your best to please everybody. However, you are just one person and you have your limits, and you deserve happiness like everybody else. Tell them you’ve been doing you best and it is not respectful of them they do not acknowledge it. Tell them that you would appreciate some help, some advices about how to do things better. You also need time to relax in order to recharge your batteries. Their blame is useless and is only going to make you feel worse and make your performance worse. If they reach harshly, go deaf, blind and mute at their rage, till they acknowledge what you said.

One more thing. While you are building your energies up, it may be a good thing to find some friends you can talk to, about you daily life. Maybe someone who is in your same situation at home, someone you can talk to, briefly, maybe 10-30 minutes a day. Isn’t there nobody at work, in the neighborhood or at some social circle you may join? You said you are religious, what about you local community? Maybe you can post some of your daily thoughts on this forum, so that you’ll know that there is someone out there who appreciates your effort and respects you for what you do (even if your family is so demanding).

• This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Vhanon.