Hi Jess,

I’m deeply sorry for you problem and for the feeling of betrayal and unworthiness you are experiencing.

He broke part of the link between you and him and that is something undeniable. You may say that it was you fault because you were not able to detect or deal with the signs of the upcoming change. You may say that it was his fault because he was not strong enough to talk with you before it happened or to resist the outside temptation. You may say that it is the outside world which corrupted him, by not granting him a good job and by exposing him to such bad company. The fact is that it was a mix of everything.

I do not know what your agreements were and how you decided to divide your responsibility among the couple, probably you both felt that your natural empathy and reciprocal care would have been enough to guide you through good and rough times. You did not expect one of you reached a point where he felt so ill that he could no longer feel good when doing his part. You did not think about what to do in such a situation, most likely you never imagined it, did you?
It was his part to tell you what was wrong, it was your part to make him feel at easy. However you both never considered it, he was sure he could not talk about it, you were sure he would never talk about it, the unhappiness, the sadness he was supposed to carry silently. Maybe it was a couple’s mistake to not foresee this situation and define some rules for it. This is what they would teach at a marriage course. It is better one is always open to the other partner, so that by receiving feedback and recalling their common expectations they can make the necessary change for their common good.

I suppose it is good to not be judgemental of a partner’s quality, however you should really not refrain from judging his actions with respect to what you agreed and were expecting. It is good to be kind, understanding and willing to forgive a mistake. We are all humans and we make mistakes, but you have to make sure that the pattern mistake-forgiveness does not become an habit. Either you change your expectations or your agreements or he starts doing something to break out from the dark spiral he is falling in. If you plan to forgive him, you should add his action to the sets of defects he has and you are willing to tolerate. Can you do that? Is that a tolerable defect, that he has been with another person? Would you like some kind of compensation from him?

If things become too stressful or unbearable, consider also a couple therapy. A neutral person may solicit more sincere answers, help you find the problems and the lapse of the mind, without giving the unconscious impression that he may react negatively at some mistakes. Really, you can be kind, but you should point out his mistakes, if he does not realize it and keep doing them and you do not react for too long, you may end up in a pattern that everything is allowed. Moreover, if you bottle your negative reactions inside you for too long, you are going to be stressed as well. A neutral party will also listen to your complains as well and help you ease your burden and help you avoid pushing it all on your partner.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Vhanon.
• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Vhanon.