Hi buddhajackson,

Believe it or not, your dad was probably a laid-back, cool guy, otherwise your mom wouldn’t have married him. But something happens (I’ve seen it over and over again) with each child, each decade, each trauma. Men get more and more fearful of their own mortality. Your father’s worst fear is dying, him failing you, and your mom replacing him with someone who could do “his” job better ~ all in that order.

It is subconscious and his shadow side coming out. He doesn’t see himself as the bad guy because all he feels is an immense amount of actual, and existential, stress.

Even you going off to college will confront him with the passage of time. And then when all of you kids are out of the house, all he can blame is the house and your mother. Or he can have a midlife crisis and take up a young man’s hobby. Or accept Life and his place in it.

And as you can see ~ When men fight about the dishes, it isn’t about the dishes.

What I would do (and circumstances have done for me once) is take your mom and sisters out of the house. With your mom’s $$ if she has a separate account or simply to visit extended family or friends for a weekend. Visiting colleges is a great excuse. He will be alone in the house, the dishes will be his, and he will see exactly how stressful (or not) things are without you, and how much he misses you.

I have had the family eat off paper plates every time someone complained. And many a house cleaner has saved a marriage.

Have routines in place for cleaning and being out of the house. Everyone should leave the house in the evening at least once a day.

Then there’s the classic family therapist. Ten sessions should do it, otherwise it becomes another stressor.

Hang in There,

Inky