Inky, Thanks for not blasting me! You had a good response and I want to answer some of your questions or observations if I may.

Since you are 1000 miles away, how do you know any of the bad stuff is true? At age 50, you surely know 9/10 the man always claims “They haven’t slept together in years” (Right).

We text every night and he sends me photos of himself and his dog in bed with him. He talks to me on the phone on his way from his office while he is driving home.

Some variation of “My wife is crazy.” ( “20K” in therapy? Yeah, OK.)

She has a histrionic personality disorder. They were married 2 years when she started to disengage from the marriage with limited sex, no cleaning in the home, won’t cook. Stays in bed on her laptop. Creates mountains out of mole hills.

For a mistress to be upset because “he” pays for “her” elective surgery seems a little over the top. (Dollars to donuts she works and it’s from the household account.)

She has never worked. Can’t hold a job if she wanted one. SHe is incapable of cooking a meal much less being on time to go to work and she has no skills. SHe is raising 8 puppies in the living room (he sent me photos) and on Christmas day someone slipped down in dog urine because the house stays filthy.
She runs through money like it is water. He does anything to avoid a conflict and I feel paying for this is to avoid a conflict and he really feels it is something that is beneficial and he likes to be of service. I feel if he is heading toward divorce then he should pull back on the monetary help to her.

You are right, Inky, I need to scale back until he leaves her and I will. And he might not leave her if he wants to avoid conflict but I have a feeling he is.
Thanks for all of your help!