Hi mattr

Firstly, I hope that today and the forthcoming days hold nothing but happiness for both you and your amazing wife. I know that situations like this are especially difficult, but you’ve made it this far- continue trudging on my friend.

My boyfriend and I have gone through something similar. Without going into full blown detail, our relationship started on a very weak foundation. I was the positive, motivating and strong rock/ shoulder to cry on while he was the depressed, angry and negative one. I had no problem with his sadness; and although I had not experienced depression before myself, I was knew how difficult things were for him and tried nothing but my best to help him through it. I had quite a few curveballs thrown at me throughout my life, but none that got me into a rut that I was unable to pull myself out of. However, after months of put downs, humiliation, lying, mistreatment, flirting etc. on his behalf, he had gotten the best of me and I snapped. Without realizing it, all of his negativity had completely drained me of everything and anything I had left inside of me. There was no more love to give, no more care, no more compassion. I felt like there was nothing left of me. There was emptiness, and by the time he realized it, it was too late. The way I looked at it was, he needed a light so I set myself on fire. I was so upset for a long period of time and couldn’t begin to fathom why he did the things he did to me. This whole situation turned my world upside down and made me question almost everything. I saw triggers everywhere, ranging from the most ridiculous things (Snickers candy bars being one of them because he told me that his ex named his private parts Snickers and let’s be honest, who wants to hear that?) to names, places, items etc. The list was endless. I felt as if the girl I was and knew had been ripped away from me and in her place was this strange, new, dark person. I was so upset and caught up in a lot of bottled emotions. My boyfriend did a complete 360. He got himself together. He finally, after all that time, tried with me. He realized how cheated on and lied to I felt, and he wanted to make that change. He’s been doing a lot for me, and I can’t thank him enough. He’s grown so much from the person who did all those terrible things to me, to the point where I sometimes have difficulty believing that he’s the same person. I’m still recovering. Although I don’t think that I’ll be 100% okay again, I think it’s gotten somewhat better. But I believe in many ways that your post opened my eyes- I too may be suffering from mild PTSD from that terribly painful part of our relationship. Facebook is a trigger for me as well, as I used to catch him talking to other girls flirtatiously and I remember how hurt I would feel- but I would be afraid to mention it to him in fear he would get mad at me. In any case, I understand how you feel. I understand the triggers and the constant uneasiness. My only advice would be remember who hurt you. Remember that it was your ex wife, and not the woman in your life now. Realize that when you feel your anxiety and PTSD acting up, it was your ex’s fault, and make sure that your wife never feels like it’s her fault (unless it is, of course). And remember that once cut, the scar will always remain. It just depends if it heals well and fades, or leaves a nasty mark. Ongoing mistreatment for an extremely prolonged amount of time as in your situation calls for a very painful recovery. People who go through things like what you and I have gone through will always be reminded by everyday things which may prove to be extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant. But just remember that your wife now loves you very much and don’t let the mistakes of another impact your life with her. Don’t feel threatened (I know it’s much easier said than done, but this is being said encouragingly) because she is all yours. There’s a voice deep down inside of you that screams at you and lets you know when something is right or wrong, it just depends on whether or not we listen to it. Listen to your inner voice. Don’t let your insecurities rule you because they can, and more often than not, they’ll destroy you.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck- please keep in touch and let me know how everything works out.

Sincerely,
The Brooklyn Bella