Thank you for your kindness.

I am feeling so devastated at where we are right now. We merged lives. We have a child each from previous marriage. Now he wants to move out as soon as he can.

Yes, he still does things to avoid the drama. He would learn, grow, set good boundaries and have really promising moments or stretches. However, in the end he would default to his old dynamics with her of people pleasing. It was like a trance or some BPD/codependent dance they automatically do when they interact. Like he would consciously try to avoid it, but would slip, let his guard down, or he’d just be too exhausted and would allow himself to get sucked into their dance and he wouldn’t even notice his hips swaying to their song.

“I would suggest that you offer him as much space as you can so that he feels as if you ‘backing away’ from him to a degree.”

Idk, idk even how to respond to this. Things are so extremely complicated. I think I will soon need to start my own post to sort it out more, when I’m ready.

He is the type that needs my affection and love to feel close to me. Giving him space only serves for him to “forget” that we love one another instead of drawing him near. We have been in couples counseling and I pretty much have accepted my role as the caregiver of the relationship and that can be ok for us.

“Non stop supportiveness by one partner is called “CODEPENDENCE””
Thank you for caring and looking out for me. I have often challenged our therapist and questioned him why he did not discard our dynamic and consider it an unhealthy codependency. The reply was that as long as one of us can remain aware and conscious about what is going on in the relationship then there is someone awake to steer the ship. It is if we both get entangled and reactive in our dealings that he would consider it problematic. I wasn’t sure I agreed with this. I complained that I had needs too. I have since come to accept that we could have a relationship that works well in this situation. Yes, it would mean me removing some attachment to expectations and appreciating other things. There is much about us to appreciate that would lessen the loss I’d feel of letting go of some of my expectations.

“That is why when my boyfriend walked into my life I fell so hard for him. He gave me everything that I had not gotten from my husband.”

I think there is much to ponder about this thought. It rings so true for me. I know it is the reason that my BF became so attached and drawn to me. I was everything his ex wife was not. I was a huge source of comfort in his transitional phase in his life. It also is much of the reason I was drawn to him too as he is much different than past relationships I’ve had.

I wonder if I could be looking more into myself for these things and feel satiated with what is there, would that free me?
I feel real pain to think this thought.
It feels scary and like I’m losing something.
I am not sure how to get there.
But I imagine it is a freer place.