A deep breath for you. That does sound tough.

But there is something that can inspire hope in this situation, and that is that you know how to be happy. You’ve done it before. You know it’s within your capabilities. OK, so right now, you’ve not been doing it and that’s too bad, but the path is so much easier to walk if you’ve been over it before.

I think what might help here is to really see and make explicit all the conflicts going on inside you. You seem to be fighting yourself on every issue, all these different parts of you waging a silent war. Of course it’s difficult to feel good with all this violence going on inside you. Easy example: there’s a part of you that wants to be thin, and a part that wants to eat ‘crap’ food (whatever that means to you exactly). Of course, these parts want different things, that’s a given, but from they way you talk about it, it seems they’re not just disagreeing, they’re not talking to each other and playing dirty sneaky games. That’s no way to manage conflict in a mature way. I can feel the anger in you when you say “and I just can not stop eating rubbish food”. Of course, your current diet may not be serving you in the best way, but I think this anger and self-conflict is at least as unhealthy for you. Also, if you can calm the war down to a disagreement, I think it will become a lot easier to make the kind of food choices you really want to make.

Likewise, I detect a part of you that really wants to be happy, and a part of you that’s yelling and screaming “But you were happy before, how could you let it all slip away look at you sitting there moping like a 15-year-old!”

It might be really helpful to have a calm, mature, mindful sit-down with that yelling and screaming part and try to explain that she’s not helping. She’s not going to get what she wants by yelling and screaming. Also take care to notice: her intentions are good. She wants happiness for you. She’s just doing the wrong thing for the right reasons.

So these parts of you, even though they’re all fighting and playing tricks on each other, ultimately want the same thing. You may be able to get them on the same team instead of being in a ‘divide and conquer’ state, as they seem to be now.

Let me know what you think about that.