February 17, 2015 at 2:36 pm #72911SammyParticipant
Okay so – I’m kinda hitting a hard time of it recently.
Whenever I hit hard times I always feel like I can turn to the people on this site, there’s so much positive energy on here and I feel like that’s exactly what I’m looking for right now. That and the possibility of a little nudge in the right direction..
Okay anyway. I’ve rather recently come out of a pretty intense (and great at the time) relationship. As much as I was broken hearted at first, right now I understand that it was the best thing for me right now. I’d lost myself. I have lost myself. I used to be so happy, and I don’t meant that in a flimsy way, I meant I was so happy, and grateful for everything in my life. Now it took me a long time to get there – in the past I’ve battled some rather extreme mental debilitation’s, the ripples of which still stick with me today and can sometimes make day-to-day living quite difficult and tedious. However, I was really starting to overcome all that and began to truly show myself and the people around me love, and it was great. I was exercising regular, I had fitness contacts and friends in the industry I’d talk to, I’d eat SO healthy and clean, for myself, and for my body. I really came to hold alot of respect for myself which I had really struggled with in the past.
But ever so slowly, bit by bit over the past 8 months, I’ve backtracked. I’ve lost myself again. I fear I’ve slipped further than I ever have. Before I’d even realised it, and then I found myself sat here feeling like an immature 15 year old again. Not helped by the fact that I have actually gained SO much weight, and I just can not stop eating rubbish food. I haven’t stepped on the scales yet but I look the heaviest I have ever looked in my life and this weighs on me every single day.
contributing to all of the above is my job. Mortifyingly, I find myself stuck in “The Grind”. The 9-5.
I have dreams. I am such a creative person, I want to design, I want to allow my creations to break free and somehow make a living from them, I want to move out of this rubbish city with no potential, I want to touch and inspire other people, I want to break free of the shackles of 9 – 5 work, find my spark and live my life!
But it’s almost like, I know what I can achieve, I know what I want from life, but when I think about it, I panic. It’s like my dreams and hopes are so huge, when I think about them I panic, and my brain shuts down and I go into procrastination mode, where I just sit and watch youtube videos for hours and hours on end. This is enforced by how tired I feel when I come home from work everyday, it’s like my body agrees with my brain and just forces me to sit there and “vegetate”. Any stray thought of motivation or inspiration is immediately shut out and closed down because, why bother when there’s SO much to do and you’re so tired right now?
I’ve lost my spark, I’ve lost my little bit of “me” And I’m just absolutely terrified that I’m going to get myself in an even more vicious circle and find myself in 5, 10 or 20 years still in the same place I’m in now. I can’t actually even think of anything worse than that! I need to get “me” back and I need to break this slump, I just can’t bring myself to do it!!
I’d be so grateful to anybody that takes some time to help me out here, I really would.
Thank you for reading!
xFebruary 17, 2015 at 3:15 pm #72912HelenParticipant
I felt so much empathy when reading your entry. I’ve just very recently posted about this problem myself.
In my heart, I know I want to be a singer. But I’m scared to get started. And I also have to earn money to support myself. Probably much like you, which is why you’re stuck in that 9-5 job.
Now, you have set small goals – baby steps, as they say – that’s what I’m doing now. Maybe see if you can work part-time, and when you’re off work, you can design, create, be, live. Try and pick up something like yoga, or taking walks to get movement into your life. Inform yourself about good, healthy foods and COOK them yourself. Cooking to me is like meditation and art in one. It’s a creation, a meal that can do my body good and fuel it.
Don’t try and do EVERYTHING all at once. Start with one thing. About the moving away: I know the feeling. But honestly, nowadays you can do anything from anywhere. Get your work out there! Make a tumblr page – get your creative juices flowing!
If you really feel like the place you live in limits you, start planning on where you could go. Remember though, it will take time and will be hard. New place, new job, new people. It can be exciting, but also scary. But if you want it – do it!
I have made it my goal to move to NYC soon, and slowly but surely I’m starting to plan it in my head. And if I fail – who cares. We will fail so many times in this life, but never trying is the worst failure of all – because we failed ourselves.
Sammy, I hope I was somewhat helpful. Keep going, don’t give up on your dreams, my dearest.
xxFebruary 18, 2015 at 6:02 am #72932WillParticipant
A deep breath for you. That does sound tough.
But there is something that can inspire hope in this situation, and that is that you know how to be happy. You’ve done it before. You know it’s within your capabilities. OK, so right now, you’ve not been doing it and that’s too bad, but the path is so much easier to walk if you’ve been over it before.
I think what might help here is to really see and make explicit all the conflicts going on inside you. You seem to be fighting yourself on every issue, all these different parts of you waging a silent war. Of course it’s difficult to feel good with all this violence going on inside you. Easy example: there’s a part of you that wants to be thin, and a part that wants to eat ‘crap’ food (whatever that means to you exactly). Of course, these parts want different things, that’s a given, but from they way you talk about it, it seems they’re not just disagreeing, they’re not talking to each other and playing dirty sneaky games. That’s no way to manage conflict in a mature way. I can feel the anger in you when you say “and I just can not stop eating rubbish food”. Of course, your current diet may not be serving you in the best way, but I think this anger and self-conflict is at least as unhealthy for you. Also, if you can calm the war down to a disagreement, I think it will become a lot easier to make the kind of food choices you really want to make.
Likewise, I detect a part of you that really wants to be happy, and a part of you that’s yelling and screaming “But you were happy before, how could you let it all slip away look at you sitting there moping like a 15-year-old!”
It might be really helpful to have a calm, mature, mindful sit-down with that yelling and screaming part and try to explain that she’s not helping. She’s not going to get what she wants by yelling and screaming. Also take care to notice: her intentions are good. She wants happiness for you. She’s just doing the wrong thing for the right reasons.
So these parts of you, even though they’re all fighting and playing tricks on each other, ultimately want the same thing. You may be able to get them on the same team instead of being in a ‘divide and conquer’ state, as they seem to be now.
Let me know what you think about that.