Solve the mystery? I don’t see any mystery here. A young man refused to take responsibility for anything in his life and blames all of his problems on others. He may be (on his way to becoming) depressed. That’s a perfectly natural outcome, no mystery here.

I also don’t think any childhood trauma is needed for this kind of attitude. It’s just a poor attitude that renders you helpless in the long run, but in the short run it has its rewards. If you blame someone else, you can feel angry and self-righteous: energising, uplifting feelings. It means you don’t have to look at your own faults, which is unpleasant, or consider how you can help the situation, which is difficult. We all choose this path sometimes. But those who choose it over and over cut a groove into their minds until it is the only way they know how to think and react. Suffering results. Not everything is about childhood traumas. Sometimes it’s just bad mental habits, growing worse over time.

“What great advice – to forgive this type of person. Truly this is all your girlfriend can do b/c he’ll never change.” I understand that’s your experience Nikita, but you don’t know that. You’ve shared the story of a man who had this problem and didn’t change, but that doesn’t mean some other person with the same problem can’t. People are different.

I think you and your girlfriend should encourage him to seek therapy, specifically Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Talk to your parents as well, see if they are on board (maybe they can pay for it? I dont know). Even if his depression is bearable now, it could be very useful to learn some techniques to change his way of thinking. And here is my own cautionary tale.

About a year ago I broke up with my boyfriend of some 10 years. All the time we’d been together, he wavered in and out of depression, sometimes it was worse and sometimes it was ok. I encouraged him to seek help with it, especially when it was bad, and even tried to get him into self-help but he wouldn’t even read the books. Since our break-up he has spiralled down and now he is seriously depressed, doesn’t enjoy anything in life and is seriously considering ending it. He has, at long last, agreed to get some therapy, but I’m worried it will be too little, too late. I wish I would have pressured him to have therapy earlier on, when we were still together.

Best to you, to her, and to him.