Hi Ben,

First off, thank you very much for taking the time to answer me with so much attention. Your answer is full of knowledge and very good advices. It helps me a lot to have other opinions like yours.

To answer your first question, it’s true I do believe something is happening to me, whether it’s a spiritual awakening or something like that but I don’t know how to take it. I’m trying to go with the flow with it, but sometimes it’s so overwhelming and intertwined with anxiety (that maybe is caused by it, I don’t know) that I tend to fear it and want to go back to my old self, when I was aware of all that and interested but wasn’t feeling so much concerned since I wasn’t living it.

I haven’t read the book you’re talking about here, which seems to be an interesting read, but I documented myself a bit about past lives which, just like for you, sounded ridiculous to me a few years ago. But with the time, when I look back, it’s like my mind has slowly opened itself to so many things. I totally believe in it today, especially when I read about all these kids who remember their past lives. My cousin’s daughter seem to know some stuffs too. She’s 4 years old, and everytime she’s drawing me, she draws a baby in my belly, a big heart and a forest. She always does. And when I asked her why once, she said I “used to” have a baby girl. But that’s another story… As you said, if the feeling of belonging somewhere else is there, I don’t really know if it means it’s necessary to go there. Maybe it’s just a part of who I am and that’s it.

I also believe it’s true that if you pray for something, it’s not going to happen literally, but you’ll be indirectly guided towards it or be given an opportunity to “make it happen” yourself. I’ll always remember a quote in Bruce Almighty – I know the reference isn’t very brilliant lol – when God says something like “If someone prays for patience, is God going to give them patience or an opportunity to be patient?” and that’s exactly what’s happening. I agree when you say it’s a part of us anyway. Things happen through us, voluntarily or not.

My “I don’t know” phases do sound like I’m the kind of person who goes wih the flow, but I really don’t. Lately I’ve been trying to since I’ve been through some very hard times and questionning every single thing was just causing more questionning, doubt, stress, anxiety, fear and it was way too tiring. When I find myself doing it, I try to go back to the present moment but it’s a hard thing to remember when you drift away in your mind. Especially for me, I’ve always been obsessively weighing the pros and the cons to everything, from buying an apple to chosing a field of study. My sister is always saying she’s glad not to be inside my head when I’m trying to make a decision, I think it shows you how hard it is to go with the flow for me. It’s just that certain things presented themselves to me and the idea started growing in my mind and then it becomes something I feel like I have to do because I see it as a door that is going to lead me somewhere. And this way to see things comes more naturally for me now. I tend to let things happen and see where it takes me, when I’m not forced adapt the situation for someone else, which is precisely one of my concerns lately. Being surrounded by people you don’t feel connected to can be a very hard thing.

Talking about my first time in London, as you’re saying, I also believe it wasn’t the right moment at the time. Because when I look back, I wasn’t the same person at all, and I would’ve done certain things differently like listening to myself expressing myself more. I think things would’ve been different if I wasn’t trying to please everyone around me back then. Today I absolutely don’t care if what I do doesn’t please my family, but they still have some hold on me and we’re on totally different wavelenght so it’s like we speak different languages, that’s why I’m trying to detach myself from them (without forgetting that they’re my family, even if they hurt me sometimes). The gap between us is getting bigger with the time and I don’t even feel the need to explain myself to them anymore since they don’t understand. They call it selfishness and apathy when I try to go my own way, and as you say, since we’re not on the same path, it’s even more difficult to get along with them. I don’t think I’ll ever talk about it all with them since they could never get it unless they experience the same thing and it can’t come from nobody but themselves.

The thing you said about finding the truth is funny because there’s a certain artist I admire a lot who approaches everything he does like a quest for the truth and he always say that we should always seek it. That’s what I’m trying to do and I trust you when you say that if I feel like I should be somewhere else to find it, I should go for it (in other words lol). I hope you’ll find the answer to your moving question as well and I think that by simply moving forward, maybe things will fit together naturally and enlighten the path to follow. At least that’s what I hope for you and me too!