Will

I don’t know if you will see this, but i tried mindfullness meditation first time yesterday. I felt relaxed and i will do it again.
I also applied for a job but i panicked when they seemed interested. I bailed out. I feel guilty to say this but i don’t feel ready to take a job yet. I feel really guilty because other people have to work and don’t complain. I can live at minimum expenses but a little voice in my head keeps saying “get a job, feel useful, get a job”

But when i applied this strange thing happened. I didn’t know why i applied. I mean it wasn’t coordinated with my gut.
Do you think i am making up excuses? Or maybe its this affirmation fallacy you were talking about in another post. ” i will be happy when i get a job” Instead i prefer what you suggested. To engage with other people. Maybe i was responsible all this time for my parents and burned out. Maybe i want to find meaning again. I don’t know, i want to cry from frustration.

Truth is, i want to believe i deserve to live and be happy just as much as i want this for other people.
I don’t want to justify my existence anymore… Actually, i can’t even articulate the words “i will be happy” like being addicted to drama.

I feel a little relieved. Many times during these two months i have applied for job ( 5 times ), panicked due to commitment frustration, negative thinking, and finally bailing out. Something doesn’t click. I ‘ll have to find what that is…

The irony is, that helping other people is so much easier sometimes than helping yourself!