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Feeling Insecure

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  • March 9, 2015 at 12:42 pm #73757
    George
    Participant

    Hello all

    I am 22 years old. I live with my mother and little sister. My father supports as financially at a minimum level. He can’t help otherwise due to his alcoholism. My mother lost her job. Thus things are harder for us now.

    I wish to see this as an opportunity for change. However things have beem difficult for me. I had an emotional breakdown. For the past 2 months i was severely depressed, had suicide thoughts because i felt hopeless, helpless and my situation unfair and pointless. Right now i am recovering but my healing proccess is delayed by constant fights between my mother and sister (my sister is in her teenage years, and showing passive-aggresive behavior), and because i have no control over my life.

    I am seeing a phychologist to heal the wounds of the past (as a child i had to take care of my family emotionally) and build self-confidence and personal goals.

    I am trying to release the anger, build healthy relationships once more and find a part time job.

    But my character flaws are not letting me move on. I realised that i am a perfectionist. Too demanding. I was fond of Nietzsche’s huberhumanism teachnings and grew hostile to society. I felt that someone is good if his motives are as pure as Gandhi’s and anything lesser than that is selfish behavior. I am taking important steps away from this thinking. The perfect image of myself hides the low self esteem that tells me that i should not enjoy life but only help others and i should not do work that i love but instead do manual exhausting labor to prove that i am not lazy.

    I feel lonely. I have not a best friend with whom i can feel warmth in my heart because i don’t let anyone in it, feeling that sooner or later i will dissapoint him/her or be dissapointed.

    I can’t find work because most of them are office related (the irony is that because of my seclusion i sit alone in my room all the time) and when a work comes up that involves waitering, barista, various excuses comes to mind such as: these companies only care for money and will abuse me or the clients, i cannot make it i lack the experience, i will make mistakes and the boss will get mad at me and sent me away. At all means a sense of shame accompanies my thoughts.

    I have reduced the hours i attentd my universtiy (despite my good grades) because i think that intellectual work is unworthy or i am unworhty for it or does not suit me.

    To sum up, a work would give me the feeling of being usefull (no one is forcing me to get a job). However a number of problems emerged from self induced thoughts.

    I hope i don’t sound miserable. But sometimes i say to myself “maybe your real problem is that you are a coward”

    If you read all of this, thank you very much for your troubles.

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by George.
    March 10, 2015 at 3:30 am #73787
    Will
    Participant

    No, your real problem is that your brain is a massive troll and you need to stop feeding that troll.

    Easier said then done, yes. Reading your story, I at first thought: oh, clearly time to move out. Then, oh, clearly time to get a job. Oh, wait, no, you need to continue your education. And get some counselling.

    And now I think that any of those could be good. I’m glad you’re seeing a psychiatrist, because what’s holding you back is nothing but your ways of thinking. You could do any of these things if you stopped allowing your thoughts to talk you out of them.

    I think Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might be able to help you reorder your brain so you have more useful thoughts (you can learn the principles from books but in person therapy is more effective). You could also look into Mindfulness, especially the “stress reduction” type courses that you can get in a lot of places, including online. It’s meditation based, but it’s really down to earth and it’s actually all about how you relate to your own thoughts and the stuff in your head.

    Work on your mental attitude, and then it will become possible to get a job. And I agree I think it would be good for you. Better than sitting in your room anyway. Going out somewhere and meeting other people is also something I would recommend.

    March 10, 2015 at 4:03 am #73788
    George
    Participant

    Will, thank you so much

    I’m glad that you answered my post. I feel that people care as time goes by. This gives me hope.

    I am actually seeing a phychoanalyst. I also thought about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy but i don’t want to break the relationship with my therapist right now. It was really hard to establish it and i think it helps me nevertheless.

    I didn’t know about mindfullness. I think i will search it, and see how it can help me.

    You’re right it’s easier said than done, but i have to be patient and willing.
    It’s good to hear another person’s perspective that doesn’t know me.
    Yes, i can do any of these things.

    Take care
    George

    March 10, 2015 at 10:55 pm #73832
    George
    Participant

    Will

    I don’t know if you will see this, but i tried mindfullness meditation first time yesterday. I felt relaxed and i will do it again.
    I also applied for a job but i panicked when they seemed interested. I bailed out. I feel guilty to say this but i don’t feel ready to take a job yet. I feel really guilty because other people have to work and don’t complain. I can live at minimum expenses but a little voice in my head keeps saying “get a job, feel useful, get a job”

    But when i applied this strange thing happened. I didn’t know why i applied. I mean it wasn’t coordinated with my gut.
    Do you think i am making up excuses? Or maybe its this affirmation fallacy you were talking about in another post. ” i will be happy when i get a job” Instead i prefer what you suggested. To engage with other people. Maybe i was responsible all this time for my parents and burned out. Maybe i want to find meaning again. I don’t know, i want to cry from frustration.

    Truth is, i want to believe i deserve to live and be happy just as much as i want this for other people.
    I don’t want to justify my existence anymore… Actually, i can’t even articulate the words “i will be happy” like being addicted to drama.

    I feel a little relieved. Many times during these two months i have applied for job ( 5 times ), panicked due to commitment frustration, negative thinking, and finally bailing out. Something doesn’t click. I ‘ll have to find what that is…

    The irony is, that helping other people is so much easier sometimes than helping yourself!

    March 11, 2015 at 10:47 pm #73862
    Al
    Participant

    Georgev,

    Your actions, behavior and mental processes, among others, are all understandable. How can a flower properly blossom without the right conditions? Likewise, how can we expect to mature into more spiritually and mentally wholesome beings without the proper care, teachings, influences, etc…? It’s no wonder so many of us have declined into more and such chaotic states as adults. And, sadly, for some of us, the damage has been so damaging and stacked so repeatedly that attempting to mend or just seeing that we need help is nearly impossible. So much chaos, confusion, unanswered questions, chemical imbalances have/are been wrought upon our beings that we/we’ve become petrified. How do we begin to make sense of things then? How do we know what to believe? What becomes right and what becomes wrong? What are the proper attitudes and behaviors? What actions should we take? What are we supposed to make of this life?

    My friend, please be kinder to yourself. You are not meant to know it all. You are not meant to perfectly know how to handle every situation. You are not meant to know how to react accordingly to the unexpected. And especially so in your case. You’ve endured much in your childhood and adolescense. It is then normal for you to have triggers you believe are destructive hence do not berate yourself when they occur nor do not believe you must chastise yourself (mentally). These triggers have a reason for their existence. So how do we combat these triggers? We must find their root causes and dissect them. Unfortunately, to put it in your words, “easier said than done” for sometimes dissecting them yields nothing. We must not despair, however. The important thing we must remember is that we are seeking. To ‘seek’ is an action. A wholesome action. To do nothing, however, is the opposite. So long as we continue to seek we will continue to grow. With this said, even if you believe you are at a crossroad, you are not. Perhaps, even consider yourself ‘in early development’; that you are still molding yourself into your masterpiece. You’ve only just begun and are still an amateur. However, staying diligent will surely yield great (and surprising) results and eventually turn you into a master. And so, with this also said, again, please be kinder to yourself. As you read in my other post, answers to significant questions behest significant time, contemplation and searching therefore do not languish when answers do not immediately come. The pace of your journey is exactly as it should be. And, do not be too harsh on yourself when you believe you are wrong. A lesson will be taught either way hence you could say you are always winning. As for your troubles with accepting employment, try to see it as a new venture despite your beliefs and go forth. It is only by being exposed to new environments and experiences that we are able to gather the necessary informations that we need to help guide our lives and also in establishing our existence.

    I hope I made sense and I hope this helps. Please do not hesitate to ask me for anything you find difficult to understand. Also please forgive me if I’ve made any grammatical errors as I am using my phone to reply.

    Your friend,

    Al

    March 12, 2015 at 9:59 am #73873
    George
    Participant

    Dear AI

    Thank you my friend for your kind thoughts about my existence.
    I am trying to establish peace in my mind and body.
    I think i am still a child not physiologically but mentally.
    I am taking small steps to maturity. I am trying to come to terms with adulthood and its joys and discontents.
    You said i should be kinder with the pace of my path. And i think you are right.
    It is the enviroment of my family and the success driven society that is too cruel sometimes. Work is not a bad thing. If it wasn’t for work we would not be able to take a step out from our homes because there would be no streets, lamps, busses and so on.
    I am afraid, i admit. Afraid of the routine, of the possible bad employees or bosses. In the past, i have worked. It is not a problem of lazyness so much as a problem of right and wrong and outside judgement. You mentioned all these.
    It helps me too see that not all people demand without understanding, like you. However not working is a social stigma.
    Maybe the worst of it all (with the exception of crime).

    I am taking steps however. I try to breath. I try to make new friends. I am exposing my self to my therapist, to new people in my enviroment, in this online community. Sometimes its terrifying. Sometimes its joyfull. I walked outside of a place i ‘d like to work in.
    Its funny. I hope i find the courage to things without caring if they are right, or wrong. But because i want to do them. Because there is no right answer. There is only your answer.

    I love how you describe people as flowers! How loving and peacefull. I was raised with the patriotic sense of self. I must say this. I think its stupid. I think it takes courage not to hit a man but embrace him. Hug him. War. What an unnecessary garbage. If it is only to protect your loved ones from being hurt i may understand. But i think it is still unjustifed. I see people fighting each other in this western culture of mine. In this free market. It is unhuman what we do to each other. I don’t know. I am scared of the real world. Of all these manly role models that survive in my society. I did not answer you, my friend AI, to make you feel obligated to answer all these questions. I simply expressed my feelings just as you shared your thoughts and advice with me.

    I hope all humans incuding me, find peace in this world.

    Take care AI
    George

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